Thanks guys. I am okay. Today was an interesting day and I probably went against all DB rules only part of me thinks that is okay as my goals are not the same now as they were when all this started and I was still coming to terms with things. I got into a text conversation about co-parenting and the need for me to be able to trust him and it kind of went on from there. Hard to describe so I will just write what I wrote...
Me: H. I am not accusing you of willfully doing anything [to cause our kids to keep secrets for him] but actions have consequences. They have seen you lie to me. I have seen you tell people things that I have personally known is not true. I have heard you tell four different versions of the same story. Sometimes I don’t even think you know you are doing it. My entire life with you is in question. The cruise you took in 2016. Your trip to England for ________ Publishing. Your barometric chamber treatments. The list is a mile long. I have no idea if you even liked me let alone loved me. I think you are in love with the idea of love and you expect it to fill a hole in you that is impossible for someone to fill long term. So you can tell me you are trying to be a good person and a good father. I want to believe that is true. Maybe if you sat down with me and owned up to your top 100 lies, I might have some confidence in you. But so far, every question I’ve had has been answered with a question, or an accusation or a misdirection designed to make me look like the bad guy and you like the victim. Coparenting with someone like you is a challenge, to say the least. Sorry. That’s just how it is.
No response. An hour later... I know.... impulsive...
M: Predictably...the second I mention something about being honest, you disappear. Just once H... just once... take a deep breath and tell the truth. What does it matter? You got what you wanted so why not just be honest? Back up your words with actions. It would be a relief, I’m sure. Do you think it is going to make things worse? Do you think I am going to do a complete personality change and try to retaliate in some way? Not in my nature. I just want to know how much of my relationship with you was a fabrication and I think you owe me that.
For instance, I still think you aren’t being honest about why you want the May 1st separation date. You don’t need that to date people. I think you’ve told someone that is when we separated and you need it on paper to prove it. It’s probably [roommate]. I am still struggling with that btw. Everything in me says she is an affair but the only thing that gives me pause is that you told me she has pancreatic cancer, the disease that killed my dad and despite everything, I still have such a hard time believing you would make something like that up knowing that is how I lost my dad. Even you would not go there, right?
Anyway...I still plan on stopping by and introducing myself [to roommate] cause I know you won’t and I need to know who is hanging out with my kids. So if there is something I should know, you better tell me soon.
30 minutes later...
H: I will give you what you want - none of it is as exciting as you think - and not over text - I’m not going to do it tonight. M: Only if it is the truth. I’m not interested in more lies. H: Yep. M: And I am still meeting [roommate] H: You can - yep M: I don’t need excitement H. Just honesty. H: I know. M: That will go a long way. Thank you.
So... one last convo before the separation agreement is signed. I am glad he wants to do it face-to-face and that hopefully he will give me some truthful answers. My goal is for us to be good co-parents but I don’t think that will happen with sooooo many lies between us. I am hoping our meeting will help clear some things up and make that possible. I continue to believe that he is not a BAD guy... just really screwed up so I am hoping, if he really plans to lay it all out, that this will be as freeing for him as will be for me. I do not have any illusions that there will be anything more than a co-parent relationship between us in the future so I am fine with this one last talk. I think it will actually help me with my detachment and I think it will give me some peace. Love and (((HUGS))) to all!!!
