I am in an IHS and it doesn't do anything. Its stagnant. It doesn't send a clear message. Had I found this place early, I would have kicked W out. I was that emotionally charged up but I wasn't thinking clearly. I remember one instance W and I went back and forth a little on seeing who would leave. We both didn't so I couldn't force her out. She hasn't been blatant about anything for me to initiate on(I think she fears this, I know if I look for and engage OM, I will end up behind bars.) I thought about moving out and unfortunately I couldn't due to finances. All the while, W is cake eating and pretending nothing is going on...
I do not suggest getting comfortable with the idea of an IHS.
Sometimes we have to set our emotions aside to make it through the moment, the hour, the day.
What do you deserve? Men, we want respect right? And for the WW, that is the ultimate betrayal, to lose their own self respect and respect of their H to go wayward.
Be careful on telling too much too early to friends. Lets say you can turn this around in a year from now, what will all the people say that you've told? You and your W will have to face those challenges.
And no fraternizing with the enemy camp.
It's been 6 months from BD for me. I am to the point where if W served me papers today I would sign them and not weep. I don't have hatred in my heart nor is the emptiness all-consuming. I can see the writing on the wall and after W and I sell this house, the next step will be D. I don't want to live in limbo indefinitely and I would hope you think about that and make the tough decisions early. If you realize you love her enough to let her go, do that early. Show her. Do it from a position that commands respect. Remember to keep the road home paved smooth as well.
H 49 , W 47 T 23, M 17 S11, S5 BD: 7/18 IHS: 7/18 - 3/19 Physically Separated: 3/19-4/19 Piecing: 4/19 - Current
Thank you Adam. Your advice is always appreciated.
Where we live we need to be separated for a period of 12 months before we can get D, but in reality most of the work is done as part of the separation such as property settlement.
Here's by dilemma right now - all the evidence, and especially the ticket, points to her at the very least having an EA with OM. So why do I still have doubts? Is it because I'm not able to reconcile her behaviour now compared to the behaviour of the woman I married?
Should I look for more evidence or just leave it?
She can do whatever she wants now that we're separated, but I can't help but feel I need to be sure that the reason we are separated is because of her betrayal.
On the very very very slim chance that she wasn't having an A, but was flirting with the IDEA of having one - is that still a WW? Is that bad enough for me to instigate a separation?
These are the questions I'm struggling with right now.
When I feel more rational I tell myself that even if she hadn't done anything yet, it was only going to be a matter of time, and it was better for me time find out and act when I did, albeit pre-emptively.
Sometimes I feel like what if I jumped the gun, and by being hard on her and insisting she move out I've jumped pushed her closer to the OM?
Not telling me about the ticket was WRONG, and is a huge red flag for an A, but I guess it's not absolute evidence either. Am I just letting my feelings blind me from the truth?
I am a few weeks more down the line than you.. I started posted here in early January ( 2nd EA started in October 2018 )..
I tried to follow the advice on here, but also had to find my own path, before i could totally detach.
My partner had an EA with a guy at work in August 2018, then started another EA in October 2018, then started a further EA in November / Dec 2018 with a guy from the gym.
My ex partner took detaching really hard, and says it was detachment that finished us.... but i dont think it changed her overall decission really - again, just an excuse to carry on living the way she wanted. She was Cake eating and didnt know what she wanted - But she loved the best of both worlds.
She has since comminted to the gym guy ( although she would deny it on our childrens lives ) and sneaks around his house multiple times a week. She has cut contact with the EA guy from October.
The advise on here is to detach.. I tried in most ways, but still needed proof before i could totally detach. From my perspective, i kept digging - ( checking her phone, had a work friend follow her after work to see them meeting etc) until i knew it was more than an EA - Just for my own sanity if anything, as she lied lied lied. Its one thing suspecting, but i think "knowing" is important for some people - ( was for me ) - It was closure in some ways - and in my head knew i didnt want to ever be with a liar like her. I also found a valetines card for him on the 13th Feb...
That was a few weeks back. SInce the 13th Feb, i havent even given her phone a second thought, i dont bother to check if shes online and i generally leave her to it. I now look forward to her going out. She moves out in 5 weeks and it cant come soon enough. If children werent involved ( you are so lucky in that respect ) it would be earier, as for me this is the bad bit.. Its hard because they are affected and i will see them less - my eldest ( 7 ) has noticed my ex keeps going out at night asked "why is mummy always going out now"
I feel like i am detached now - i just needed to do it in my own time / way.
They are a different person to who you fell in love with / married.
One thing i have learnt from this is trust your gut.. Mine has been correct 95% of the time.
good luck
Previous username - Helpme123.. A name chosen at a desperate time..
Now Mr Brightside.. coming out of my cage, and doing just fine.
We try to ignore to protect ourselves. But we must face reality K.
I agree with LH. I am a former ww. Not proud of it. But the signals are common in all sitches. Going deeper into snooping will hurt yourself more and diminish the chances to MR survival.
So protect yourself but donīt close your eyes.
You need to regain respect. Read what Adam posted.
Stay strong man, itīs a marathon, time is your ally.
LH, you're right - she's made no effort to contact any of our mutual friends, or my family, about any of this. She knows I will be telling them the reason we are separated. If she truly wasn't doing anything, she'd be defending herself.
Help me, I'm so sorry to hear about your situation, but I do share many of your feelings. My brain just can't fathom her actions, but my gut is telling me otherwise. I think definite proof will help me truly detach, but at the same time I understand what LH and neffer are saying.
Thank you neffer - what brought you back from your fog?
We try to ignore to protect ourselves. But we must face reality K.
I agree with LH. I am a former ww. Not proud of it. But the signals are common in all sitches. Going deeper into snooping will hurt yourself more and diminish the chances to MR survival.
So protect yourself but donīt close your eyes.
You need to regain respect. Read what Adam posted.
Stay strong man, itīs a marathon, time is your ally.
I also want to know some of your thoughts on ww since you were one? I love readin sandis posts about the process and thinking during it
Donīt expect something similar to sandiīs posts...have mercy on me please!
K, ease your mind. Keep in control of your life. Thatīs all you can control. We all talk about time and patience. Keep yourself calm and use the time to read what you are getting.
We try to ignore to protect ourselves. But we must face reality K.
I agree with LH. I am a former ww. Not proud of it. But the signals are common in all sitches. Going deeper into snooping will hurt yourself more and diminish the chances to MR survival.
So protect yourself but donīt close your eyes.
You need to regain respect. Read what Adam posted.
Stay strong man, itīs a marathon, time is your ally.
I also want to know some of your thoughts on ww since you were one? I love readin sandis posts about the process and thinking during it
Bubbs, the same applies to you: donīt expect sandiīs treasures...
Gonna get into your sitch then. Iīm sorry I havenīt got the time to be more involved. Itīs summer here where I live. I work in a water/environment profession so thereīs not much time to be here now. Just some little time incursions.
Things have been relatively calm the past few days. I've been out of the house most nights GAL by catching up with friends and family, working out, and only coming home to sleep.
We haven't seen each other or spoken to each other in this time, aside from the odd message asking if she can grab something from the MBR, to which I respond with a yes and nothing else.
I've settled down a bit on my feeling of needing to find more concrete evidence. At the end of the day, you don't book a trip with another man and not tell your husband even when the relationship is going well, let alone after you tell your husband you have doubts with the marriage.
I got the BD in the mid of Jan, and the tickets were booked on the 5th of Feb. You don't just book a trip overseas, it takes some planning, which means this has obviously been in the works for some time. Whether or not they were already seeing each other before the trip doesn't matter. This act alone is enough of a betrayal.
