In the original Language of Letting Go, I told the gerbil story. It’s one of my favorite stories about letting go. Here it is again.
Many years ago, when I lived in Stillwater, Minnesota, my children wanted a pet. They wanted a puppy, but I said no. We had tried a bird, but its feathers fell off. I suggested a goldfish, but we settled on a gerbil instead. One day, the gerbil got loose. It got out of its cage and scurried across the floor. It ran so fast that none of us could catch it. We watched as it disappeared under a crack in the wall. We stood around, wondering what to do, but there wasn’t much that could be done.
In the months that followed, the gerbil made timely appearances. It would scurry out from behind the walls, run across the room, then dart back into the walls. We’d chase it, lunging after it and screaming as we ran. “There he is. Catch him!”
I worried about the gerbil, even when we didn’t see it. “This isn’t right,” I’d think. “I can’t have a gerbil running loose in the house. We’ve got to catch it. We’ve got to do something.”
A small animal the size of a mouse had the entire household in a tizzy.
One day, while sitting in the living room, I watched the animal scurry across the hallway. I started to lunge at it, as I usually did, then I stopped myself.
“No,” I said. “I’m all done. If that animal wants to live in the nooks and crannies of this house, I’m going to let it. I’m done worrying about it. I’m done chasing it.”
I let the gerbil run past without reacting. I felt slightly uncomfortable with my new reaction—not reacting—but I stuck to it anyway. Before long, I became downright peaceful with the situation. I had stopped fighting the gerbil.
One afternoon, only weeks after I started practicing my new attitude, the gerbil ran by me, as it had so many times, and I barely glanced at it. The animal stopped in its tracks, turned around, and looked at me. I started to lunge at it. It started to run away. I relaxed.
“Fine,” I said. “Do what you want.” And I meant it.
About an hour later, the gerbil came and stood by me, and waited. I gently picked it up and placed it in its cage, where it happily reestablished its home. Don’t lunge at the gerbil. He’s already frightened, and chasing him just scares him more and makes us crazy, too.
Is there someone you’d like to get close to? Is there an irregular circumstance in your life that you can’t change? Detachment, particularly detaching in love, helps.
God, show me the power of using detachment as a tool in all my relationships.
From the book: More Language of Letting Go
Marina You letting go reminds me of this story I read
Last edited by job; 02/21/1912:53 PM. Reason: added space between paragraphs
married 14 years H 42 bomb 2/07 IDLYA D final 3 /09 M ow D ow
Jobs,dejavue6,kyh,sjohnson6,Peacetoday DnJ and westco
Thank you and Thank you everyone for my birthday Wishes.
I felt the love thank you.
Birthday came and went. Very quiet,
Just Apollo and I
It was W week, Kids didn't have school on Monday, President Day Trio's ask Mom M can you ask W if we can stay so We have an extra day with you for your birthday Trio's wanted to bake me cupcakes.
So I ask W W went on to saying it's my holiday, I want them back blah blah
A simple question went to several text. So I kinda stood clear from W as I can see W was ready for argument At drop off I talk with trio's to please listen and behave. D10 was angry at W, d10 wants explanation why Trios couldn't stay with Me. I explained to d10 we will celebrate next weekend.
I gave trio's hugs and kisses boys where quite and sad D more angry
Well 15min later I recieved a call from W, about d10 how D10 lies and over Dramatic. I listen to W. I then ask if I can speak with d.
D10 and I spoke. I gave her some meditation to do and how to deal with W W gets back on the phone and says I want them to see you and I are a team
I just listen. W stated are your listening I said yes W am hearing you.
Since then Trio's and I talk and they sing Happy birthday to me
They are amazing kids.
Yesterday I went to breakfast with a friend and then back home bake myself A dessert and ate it with Apollo.
It was quite.
Peacetoday I read your story. Very true letting go of what I can control and What I can't. It's been a rough road but here I am as many said as time goes by I Will slowly let go.
I infact now ask myself will W and I ever try to make it work. And Part of me says yes, W was there for me when I went through my own Fog. I also think I never caused W this much pain or chaos. I would never treat my worse enemy like W treated me.
I can say mentally am getting there I am healing I am finding myself again Financially I am struggling but things could be worse. I am taking it
One day at a time
At BD Lesbian marriage Me39,W36 S9,D9,S8 adopted all three Together almost 10yrs Bomb Drop - April 2017 W movedout - May,2017 OW June,2017 Currently 2018 Me40, W38 S10,D10,S9
Bad and good so let's start with the bad first. W call me early AM to say s9 has an appointment last minute. Can I take s10and d10 I said yes
W ok M ok W am 10min away M ok W well more like 5min M ok am here W you sure I mean I can take them M W am here
W drops kids off, look like W was running late I didn't say nothing W then comes back like an hour or two I didn't keep Time. W comes up and comes out of car W say well want to tell you s9 had psychiatrist app I of course look lost I said ok.
W then goes to explain well he is Bipolar. I of course chuckled Because I seen this coming. I knew W was going pull some crap Like this. I then proceed to ask questions simple ones W says it doesn't surprise me his biological father is bipolar Again I chuckled how do you know this.
This went on, I ask W I would like a 2nd opinion till then please Respect I don't want s9 in medications for now. W proceed to say M please let's try this. I said again W I would like A 2nd opinion.
W I guess. Ok then you find it.
This is where I want to scream and yell out of anger because W is mentally damaging our kids. Is not about the label I care less What my kids are is while W losing her mind she wants the kids F up Too. As I stated I have lawyer till March, which my lawyer stated There's nothing wrong with that. I try to explain to lawyer but once Again my lawyer seem to think there is nothing wrong with S9 being In medications. As this might help him with outbursts
I am livid, I called my therapist as I needed to vent, she had a available Spot. I explained everything as my therapist said you are to be concerned And you need to get a new lawyer seems like your lawyer no longer cares
I was explained to write W a email stating my concerns about medication Which I did try my best to explain to W and validate her concerns and mines
So just when I thought again W being so nice is to good to be true.
So this week at drop off W a d OW are there as always OW W gets out and proceeds to walk towards me, W Happy Birthday but it sounds like W was whispering. I said Thank you. W did you do anything special or special Friend M I smirk W So is that a yes, Ummm I would give you a hug but..... M just stared at W.
OW must of notice W getting to close, OW comes out, is everything ok W yes M smirk
I notice W caring more about what am doing. Or with who am with
So today after the whole s9 thing.
W again ask how was my birthday, Did your girlfriend take you out. M which one W eyes like a deer W wow how many girlfriends you have M smirk W so you having safe sex M laugh out loud. W you need to get yourself check to many Crazy diseases out here. M yelp W so for real anything you did M ummm had fun
W seem upset, W then proceed to kick on ice that is melting And notice the gutter needing cleaning W said when Weather gets Better clean that. I replied yeah if I get to it. W stop M your not that way your like a handyman I said if I get to it. W noticed my sleeve tattoo
Remember W hasn't touch me in 2 yrs always talks to me far away and no Eye contact W grab my arm and said what is that I proceeded to explain my tattoo W your crazy, you know I didn't want you with all these tattoos. I replied well we are not together. I can do what I want now. W don't be to extreme, I proceed to why do you care. W fine your right, then jump to another conversation about how W dad Was a mean man, but how now he adores her mom more. I said yes I see that. They got through the worse. W yeah is weird
My dad now caters to my mom he went from being an alcoholic and beating Her to this amazing man.
I replied they got through the worse I am learning anything in this world Could be fix, and that's what your dad is doing.
W look at me and said What happened to the old M. When did you become So wise.
I replied with falling in my face a lot and learning from mistakes I have done
W yeah, we sometimes need that.
Mind you W not staying still walking like in circles like a teenager who is Shy. Very weird but this must happen.
I stood cool and calm And remember DnJ and Gordie and some others Who have help me with W process.
W proceed then to say d10 I had to talk to her. I listen W I told d10 I will always love you will forever have love for you But Am not in love with you.
I nodded, W but she got mad. I validated. And then said d10 is just tired of hearing it over and over. I think the trio's get it. You have moved on, your not in love with me and Your marrying other women.
W stared at me. And put her head down.
M ok W anything else W no Ok. I open the door as I was going in my home I turned around W was standing there. I said Hey W
W yes with a slight smile
M I am truly sorry for any hurt I have caused you in the past I am truly Sorry.
W eyes look at me , W I accept your apology and I know you are.
Ok bye
W hey M M yes W if you ever want to catch a movie or something with the kids let me know We could.
M ok got it. Smiled
So as long this is it felt like forever I been waiting for this. I know it might not Last expectation at zero. But it felt good to finally hear W reply and acknowledge My apology.
I have before but W has never replied or stood that long but today W Paused and let it process.
So any feed back about anything or what I can have done better
As I said keep at zero.
But I am seeing W is realizing her childhood isn't what she has painted it To hear W say my dad was a horrible man made me realize W is in that Process of her childhood.
I know her dad. He was abusive and an alcoholic, I would have never known If W didn't tell me when we first met. But W treated him like a king he never did Wrong. Now that I remember W kinda blamed her mom, like her mom ask For it. Now I see W is seeing clearer. Is crazy to see these different people In front of my eyes.
I just want W better if it takes this for W to be an amazing Mom again Then let's do this. I just keep praying W find the light and God arms again.
At BD Lesbian marriage Me39,W36 S9,D9,S8 adopted all three Together almost 10yrs Bomb Drop - April 2017 W movedout - May,2017 OW June,2017 Currently 2018 Me40, W38 S10,D10,S9
You handled yourself wonderfully. Stayed calm and controlled.
I agree with you, get a second opinion about s9, before jumping on the medication bandwagon. I will also add if you still require a lawyer, get a different one. Your current lawyer does seem to be lacking some concern, and you and they do not see eye to eye.
It is interesting to see your W behaving as a different age and person. The walking around in circles and like a shy 12 years old. And yes, this has to happen, she needs to work through whatever it is.
Her grabbing your arm must have been a little startling. From not touching you for two years to that. I find it curious her reaction to your tattoos also. I wonder what’s up with that. Her statement “you know I didn’t want you with all these tattoos”, might be something from her past or just some idea of how you are suppose to be waiting on a shelf for her. The later is what I would suspect is at the root of her comment, a kind of possessiveness regarding the LBS. You made it pretty plain that you are not her’s anymore.
The letting her guess what you are doing, your birthday and girlfriends. I get it, and really neat reaction from her. I may have missed something along the way on your situation so forgive me if I am mistaken. When W asked how was Birthday and did girlfriend take you out. Your answer “which one” - I didn’t think you had a girlfriend, or more than one.
If you do, that’s cool, that is not my point. If you don’t have girlfriends I wouldn’t try to manipulate her, or cause jealousy. If she comes up with ideas like that, fine let her think what she wants, or correct her if you want. I wouldn’t purposely attempt to lead her along, she is suffering enough, and if she found out you were leading her along it will backfire in a big way.
Originally Posted by marina7
W proceed then to say d10 I had to talk to her. I listen W I told d10 I will always love you will forever have love for you But Am not in love with you.
For what it’s worth, a lot of times MLCer say the opposite of what they feel trying to talk themselves into their wanted beliefs. I think this is an example of that. Her confusion is showing a bit, her feeling bouncing all over the place. She feels something and is doing her best to push it down. If it were true she wouldn’t even bring it up after all this time.
Be careful bring up things like marring OW. You don’t want to put suggestions in her mind, or reinforce ideas of her’s that are counter to your desires.
That was a very welcomed update marina. You have really moved forward well. I’m sure W’s accepting of your apology feels really good.
You know W is going to go off the rails again, keep expectations to zero. And remember she was like this today, a bit more talkative, a bit more friendly, a bit of processing, she can do it again, maybe even for longer and longer. You’ve seen it, and maybe more importantly - so has she.
Have faith. Have hope.
DnJ
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
Always look forward to your advice, and how you see W thoughts.
Thank you (((((DnJ)))))
No you didn't miss anything. I am not dating. I wanted to be funny
I wanted to see W reaction. W was sure fishing but your right W is already Fighting her demons don't need to add on to it.
So I will not make anymore remarks of girlfriends as I don't,
Yes the touching arm and rubbing caught me off guard.
We had bad storm here and tattoo where over 1yr and 8 months just shows how W didn't Pay attention. I have Virgin Mary on my arm as a statue pretty cool tattoo with rosary around Arm. W exact words where.
Oh is that a picture of your girlfriend, so yes W is fishing to see if am dating I did smirk and said No is Virgin Mary and explained that's when she grab my arm and look Around it. W reaction was priceless.
Also many will think Lesbians, lol I have long black hair. I once did crossfit in my twenties And was a track runner for 4yrs in high school.
So I must say being in shape in a young age, has help me with my lupus and MS Doctors say the way I eat and take care of myself is why many people won't think am sick.
So W hated attention I got already and always said No to tattoos because it will make me Look more attractive. I must say since tattoo I have more of that look I been told lol.
Who knows what W thoughts are.
I know OW is so the opposite of me, very short, chunky.
S10 is taller then OW lol... I am 5'3 and when we first seen each other I just laugh.
About W and OW marriage D10 today was sitting in table I usually drink coffee and crackers D10 sat next to me.
D10 started eating crackers, M you want some tea D ummm coffee please M lol yeah right gave her a sip and said tea D yes mommy M while making tea, so how are you D ok and puts head down on table. M went over and said what's going on D just spilled her heart, why why..why Does W has to constantly remind us I will love your mom always But am not in love with her M I am sorry d10 D isn't your fault mom Who cares W is marrying OW M have you told W how you feel D W doesn't care M d try to tell W exactly how you Express to me.
So I told D10 the story when W told me she was marrying OW, D10 was listening
I said when this happens again reach over to her hand and say Mom I am happy that you are happy and walk Away.
D10 says Really really mom.
I started laughing so hard.
I then said D your not a dum dumb kid your a very smart girl, I believe once you Validate your Mom when W says that W will stop.
I said what usually happens when W tells you that. D I get so mad M exactly W knows that. Try to do the opposite try this. D fine mom because I trust you. M cool
And we both toasted as we stared out the window hearing birds.
While s10 listening to YouTube boys will be boys...
I love my kids thank God I only have 1 daughter to many emotions for me.
So this is where me telling W, They get it they are tired of hearing it. But I can see W was listening.
Hopefully she will stop reminding D, the boys don't give W reaction so W constantly reminding d
And yes lawyer is done, She has a crappy attitude. This is why I went in to talk To my therapist who validated that I should feel that way and lawyer attitude wasn't good
The law here is at 13 kids make a decision to which parent they want to be with, I am just the lighthouse for my kids. Being there for them and being there voices when needed As again medication for Bipolar isn't something to play with.
And keeping expectations at zero as I know that tomorrow or the next day can be a blowout with W.
But I also noticed W notice my change when W said what happened to the old M.
That made me feel good and I am going on the right direction
At BD Lesbian marriage Me39,W36 S9,D9,S8 adopted all three Together almost 10yrs Bomb Drop - April 2017 W movedout - May,2017 OW June,2017 Currently 2018 Me40, W38 S10,D10,S9
So I sent W a text through our Parent app through court.
Concerned about our s9, W said M I understand we both want the same Thing. When you find the 2nd opinion let's go I agree 2nd opinion.
Woohoooo.... did W just agreed is something happening
Keeping it at Zero...
At BD Lesbian marriage Me39,W36 S9,D9,S8 adopted all three Together almost 10yrs Bomb Drop - April 2017 W movedout - May,2017 OW June,2017 Currently 2018 Me40, W38 S10,D10,S9
