A brother-in-law used this site a long time ago for an ex-wife and he has been my main person to go to as keeping me sane as he went through this before. He spoke very highly of you for helping him, Sandi! I have read most of your story and it is inspiring that the WW can come back and make it work with her husband. You need to reach out to my wife!!! haha
Oh wow! Well, thanks to your BIL and the kind words.
When I joined the board, I joined the MLC forum b/c I thought I surely must be experiencing one. Imagine how I felt when some posters informed me I was past the age to have a MLC! All I knew was that I was in some type of crisis like nothing I had ever experienced, and I needed help. I think your W is crisis, whether it's of her own making or something else.
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Now you mentioned earlier a thing that may trigger an MLC. She has mentioned this a lot lately. The yelling and screaming by me when I was drinking brought her back to the memories of her father yelling at her mother or her? Not sure but maybe that is the pas youth issue that brought on the MLC.
She's mentioning the topic, mid-life crises....or do you mean she's talking of how her father yelled at her mom? Was her father an alcoholic or did he abuse his W and/or kids? It may have brought back some bad memories for her. I am no expert on MLC, but from what I understand, something really bad has happened to her when she was a child or teenager....maybe even in her years. It could be physical abuse, sexual molestation, rape, or some other traumatic experience for which she did not get proper healing. I've read of cases where it was swept under the rug, not to be talked about anymore. Then when the girl grows up, something happens that throws her into an emotional crises b/c she did not heal from the traumatic experience.
Whenever a newcomer reads the description of a WAW. WW. and MLC.....the behavior sounds similar. This is just my take on it when trying to know the difference in the categories. (Michele doesn't separate the WW/WAW, so bear that in mind when reading her books/articles.)
The WAW doesn't have selfish motives for leaving a bad situation. She doesn't have a secret agenda (i.e. OM) There is no type of an affair. Walking away from her H is more like an act of survival. She may have to leave due to something beyond her control. He is the culprit behind her decision to leave (i;e. abuse, imprisonment, abandonment, nonsupport, infidelity, substance abuse, endangerment, etc.). She has to protect and provide for herself and her children, and therefore, walks away from the H that is not providing the basic needs for his family. She won't abandon her children. Walking away from an intolerable situation is not her acting out of selfishness. She is not trying to "find herself". She doesn't start behaving like Girls Gone Wild,staying out all night and acting as if she were not a W and mother. She may make improvements in her life, but she doesn't act like a totally different personality, such as you might find in the WW & MCLW. The WAW uses logic and the reality of her situation to determine her decisions. She is not acting on a fantasy.
The W in MLC suffers from some personal, traumatic experience in her youth, for which she did not receive healing. That traumatic experience had nothing to do with her H. In other words, her issues stem from something that happened in her past......not the present. It was something specific and horrible. At some point in her adult years, an event will happen that throws her into a state of emotional crisis b/c of the traumatic experience she suffered in the past. She may start living as though she fears getting older (or fears showing her true age). She may start dressing in younger styles, have plastic surgery, get new hair color, apply more cosmetics, lose weight......anything to appear younger. She will often hang out with younger & wilder friends who are risk-takers. To her, it all represents youth. It is common for women in MLC to have an affair. MLC can last for years. Although her behavior may look very similar to that of the WW, they are different people. The W in MLC is driven by fear.
The WW is a different breed Everything is about her. If she can't benefit from it, then she's not interested. Selfishness motivates her. She operates on whatever emotion she may be having at the moment. The H is her target of blame for everything wrong in her life. He may not be aware that the MR is in serious trouble until she drop the bomb. She may give excuses of needing "space" or needs "to find herself". What she really wants is freedom. Freedom to do whatever she wants, without responsibilities or consequences. The WW is angry. She has held resentment and disrespect for her H in her heart, and her rebellion against her H and the MR goes into overdrive. The WW seems to be in a fog, b/c she .thrives on a fantasy. When she drops the bomb, she already has a secret agenda. She either has an OM, or she is on the prowl for one. She may display behavior typical of Girls Gone Wild. She wants no responsibility associated with her marriage, and sometime.....with her own children. Some WW's will choose to abandon her little children, in order to pursue her "happiness". Like the MLCW, she will dress younger/sexier, take more time with cosmetics and hair styles. She may get plastic surgery, lose weight, work out, etc. She will drop family & friends who do not support her decisions, and she'll find new friends who are as wayward as she. Waywardness can last a short period or a long time. It depends on how quickly and severe she has to suffer consequences due her bad decisions. The WW is driven by her self-centered mindset.
WW's can be extremely manipulative. Therefore, don't bite the apple too quickly. Know what I mean? Whichever it is, she needs to be held accountable for her current behavior. I am very concerned how you see yourself competing with this OM. Don't make allowances for bad behavior based on your fear of losing her to some OM who has no problem sleeping with a M woman. Find someone who has a higher code of conduct, if you need someone to guide your decisions.
I understand that you are afraid of losing her. Do you know that she will sense that fear and play on it? She will play both of you guys. She'll want the one who isn't afraid to dump her......much less, lose her. Find your moral code, and be a man of honor. Don't be afraid to require a woman of high moral standards......especially when you are married to her. You don't have to put up with infidelity. I'm not trying to push you to divorce court. I want you to think about your self respect, b/c I have to wonder when you are afraid of losing a cheating spouse. I know you see it as love, but at what price? I just want you to respect yourself more, okay? ((hugs)). Next time, maybe we can discuss boundaries, but in order to set boundaries, you have to know where you draw the line. So be thinking about it.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
All I knew was that I was in some type of crisis like nothing I had ever experienced, and I needed help. I think your W is crisis, whether it's of her own making or something else. 