I would have anxiety, too, if it hurt to have sex. Actually, when I was pregnant once, it was very painful, and I resented my H b/c he wanted to keep having sex. I also remember a time when I told him that I would have sex for him. I honestly thought I was being a good W by enduring it for him. I was so young and ignorant about men and their needs. Anyway, I am very sorry for both of you that she has this problem with sex. Does it have any emotional ties to her past relationships?
No it doesn't. Soon after being together, she developed this issue. Now you mentioned earlier a thing that may trigger an MLC. She has mentioned this a lot lately. The yelling and screaming by me when I was drinking brought her back to the memories of her father yelling at her mother or her? Not sure but maybe that is the pas youth issue that brought on the MLC.
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Did your W feel that she had been judged about something.....or was it more that she felt free to do whatever without BFF judging? Sorry for so many questions. I'm just trying to get a better feel of the sitch.
No, he just feels comfortable around this toxic BFF because her BFF is just messed up and won't judge her and her actions. I always had problems with this BFF because she openly cheated on her husband and stayed out any time of night. My wife always admitted that her friend was messed up but her issues weren't my wife's and to just trust her. It is hard to trust knowing what type of "friend" this BFF is.
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This is just me talking, but I'm pretty sure I would not reside under the same roof while my spouse was going out to see the AP. Did your IC tell you to date your W? It sounds like something a MC would say. Are you residing under the same roof, due to financial reasons? Is she dependent on your earnings?
Well she is living there because she says she does want to work out on our relationship and for the children's sake. We are not fighting in front of the kids. Mainly, she just stays up in the room and I have been taking care of the kids until recently. She has slowly been coming down and holding conversations with me. The funny thing is that I was talking about her work and master's with her on our date and it bored her to drink and have that guy come get her. However, yesterday she talked about her work to and from dropping the kids off at a ninja class they are taking. I was engaged and listened but thought it was weird she is ok to talk about it but I couldn't talk about it 3 days ago without her drinking like mad. She depends on my income as well. I make really good money and she has a part time job in the school district. She has made it clear that she wants to stay and work on getting her master's (she just applied to an online school) and work on our marriage and go from there. I asked her what about the guy. She said that she can't let him go because if it doesn't work out with her and I, she would be hurt of letting him go. She is "cake eating". The master's would take her 2 to 3 years to complete so I don't know. We are both in IC and I have an appointment today and she has one tomorrow with her therapist. Our therapists are able to talk to each other since we signed paperwork so I can divulge information that she may hold back such as being with the guy and not just talking to him, the excessive drinking and leaving me to be with him on the date.
Also, the marriage counseling lady, I called her to make sure she has had experience in a MLC, with OM and wanted to let her know my hope is to reconcile and my wife says she is still interested in MC. I hope it isn't just words but she is really open to it. The lady said she has been doing this for 30 years and no judgement and we will work on it. She is trying ot push the date up a couple weeks to get us in mid-March instead of end of March to start.
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Do you know why, or were you aware at time that you were not being emotionally supportive?
That is why I am in IC to figure that out. I hold emotions in. I did realize the last couple months that she would try to engage into a conversation but showing me an article or something. Instead of engaging her on a discussion on it, I would just say yeah, I saw that article and end the convo. I am more cognizant that maybe she was trying to just talk and I (maybe as a guy or taking our marriage for granted) just never engaged. I am starting to engage now that I realized this as I was reading some stuff. But I hope IC will help me figure that out and be more emotionally connected to my wife as well as MC. I love my wife and I hope we can reconcile. I know it is a process.
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When it comes to our H, we expect him to be stronger than we are. Don't put up with our bad behavior; don't cave to our demands; and don't be outsmarted by our manipulative tricks. We are very crafty. (Your W won't tell you any of this.....so, I will.)
I struggle with the rules and such. if she says I have not been emotionally there for her. Being detached or not engaged with her is what I should be doing or this guy will keep getting more and more attention from her instead of me showing her that I am trying. I am not pushing it on her and if she starts talking first, I will sit and listen. I don't try to go to her to hold a conversation. The old, let her come to me for conversation. I drop everything I am doing to focus all attention on her. Other than that, this morning I had a delay for reporting to work. I said by to the kids but never said bye to her. She will reach out to me in the morning to say I hope you have a good day, etc. I will then respond back the same. But I make sure not to say good night first or anything. I am not sure if I am doing is right wrong or indifferent. But if I just treat her like a roommate, this guy will get more attention. i have noticed that she messages me a lot more lately than she did and they are happy things and not yelling or whatever. Not talking about us mostly but she might see something funny or cute on facebook and share it to me. I take those as positive but I try not to reciprocate. I just respond back to the post to say engaged and then end the convo instead of extending it just to do it.
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If you have been guilty of inappropriate behavior (other than the admitted stuff with her BFF), you must stop it immediately. If you want to save this MR, then it needs to start with you not indulging in anymore inappropriate behavior for a M man. Don't mean to sound like I'm harping, just trying to leave no doubt as to what you will need to do.
The date idea was hers. We haven't started MC and she has only had 1 IC appointment where the guy supposedly told her that she has just focused on others and she needs to focus on herself. I think she thought this meant seeing that guy and doing master's. I think she might have misinterpreted the therapist. She is a wife and a mother still so she can't just ignore her kids. I understand why she isn't happy or focusing on me but she has a responsibility for the kids still. We shall see how she progresses through her IC. My inappropriate behavior has ceased. I have not had contact with her BFF and now I been just working out or working on home imporovemnt projects and reading anything and everything I can. Five love languages, divorce remedy, etc. I am waiting on the books.
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.S. Where do you turn for inner strength and guidance?
I have some close friends I talk to. I am not religious. Spiritual but not religious if that is what you meant. A brother-in-law used this site a long time ago for an ex-wife and he has been my main person to go to as keeping me sane as he went through this before. He spoke very highly of you for helping him, Sandi! I have read most of your story and it is inspiring that the WW can come back and make it work with her husband. You need to reach out to my wife!!! haha
Sorry for the lengthy message. I am trying to point everything out and be very transparent. I know I have to fix me still.
