The bomb woke me up, but she still won't talk

[lusa]

After hearing of your W's loss of her parents, it makes even more sense that therapy may be needed. Is she the type who wants to talk about her feelings, or does she bury them in her heart? Some people are very touchy about someone suggesting they see a "shrink". I may understand the WW side of her, but I don't know the person you've known in her.

I have previously (lovingly) suggested she see a “shrink” many times when she was grieving for her mother, it didn’t go down well, and she refused. Funnily enough she is a trained psychotherapist and life coach so is good at listening to other people’s feelings but not talking about her own. She is definitely the type to bury her feelings in her heart rather than talk about them. I can easily see how she kept burying her resentment towards me in her heart rather than discussing it with me.

The lack of contact could throw her into withdrawals, but I am concerned she is keeping that dream alive......which would be a common act for WW's. She may write her feelings and dreams in a journal, or just fantasize about how wonderful their life will be together. She may fuel her dreams by losing herself in romantic novels (it happens).

She has been losing herself in romantic novels for years. I didn’t think anything of this and even used to buy them for her. Once I read on your threads what this could mean I became more aware of the amount of these novels she was devouring. Sometimes one a day all about affairs / lost love regained etc.

Does your W have a close female friend? Does she have any relatives still living?

She has far more friends than anyone I know and is constantly trying to connect/reconnect with friends from the past. As for close female friends, her closest disappeared on her when her mum died, but she still has plenty of friends from her school days that she does talk to regularly.
From what I know though she hasn’t told even her closest female friend the full truth about when the EA started. Just that he conveniently contacted her a month after I’d moved out.
She has a few relatives still living but they have been no support to her, an older sister who has been evil to her since she was born and an auntie who doesn’t really care about her.

Okay, so let's continue to talk about this for a little longer. You've waited this long, you can wait a bit more. So far, I've learned she has a lot of stubborn pride; has suffered loss of both parents; has kept secrets from her H. What type of personality does she have? Who would you say "wears the pants" in this relationship? Would you describe her as a bully; self entitled; a perfectionist; high strung; low key; quick to anger; affectionate, timid, etc.

It’s hard for me to answer who wears the pants, I would say it was me up until I turned into a mess since BD. She is very self-entitled, works hard, a good public speaker, a fantastic caring mother (even through this last year of hell). She’s always been very quick to be extremely defensive, I used to put this down to childhood bullying from her sister. Likes to play the victim sometimes, states that she finds confrontation very hard. Easily gets very upset when a friend doesn’t treat her right or says the wrong thing. You reminded me of her when you wrote about what a “good girl” you were. I married her because she never lied to anyone and always went out of her way to help people, prided herself on her moral integrity and “simple faith”.

I’d never met anyone like that, she seemed like an angel to me compared with women I had known before.

How are things going in the bedroom? Still having sex? Here's an important question. Does she let you give her open mouth kisses? You know the kind I mean. Does she engage in sex, but avoids the open mouth kisses? Are there any nonsexual show of affection throughout the day, or is all pretty much hands off?

The bedroom has been a big problem for a decade or so, basically since she got pregnant, we have had a SSM. This in turn caused a lot of negative reaction and pressure from me over the years, however I think she had a problem with sex before that. I remember her going to a therapist for her IC work around that time and him telling her she needs to buy a porn mag or read sex books because she had issues even talking about sex.
Sex was great when we met and until she got pregnant, but I can’t help thinking it was part of an act. There hasn’t been any sex now since her “symbolic reconciliation” initiation.
When we are intimate and do kiss she always uses her tongue, but it mostly seems quite forced into my mouth. I don’t think she has a problem with me given her open mouth kisses but more of a long-term issue with any type of physical affection and sexual activity. Up until BD I used to complain on an almost daily basis that I couldn’t stand never having non-sexual touches, it was like torture to me. I used to crave just an occasional hand on my back while I was cooking etc.

Since her attempt a R there has been more non-sexual touching. I have almost trained her to hug and kiss me before I leave for work and now she initiates that when I say goodbye. Sometimes she now initiates a hug when she is upset. She also slowly moves towards me and ends up leaning on me when we are reading in bed. I don’t really initiate anything any more because I don’t want to pursue and am sick of rejection. The most I’ve been doing is sometimes holding her as she goes to sleep.

I forgot to mention she is almost double her ideal body-weight and has been this way since giving birth to our 1st child, so this will certainly play a part for her.

One other point is both pregnancies were really difficult for her, she was sick and had migraines nearly every day for the whole nine months, our babies wouldn’t grow to term inside her properly. Both were emergency caesareans, the first was so small he was in an incubator for 3 weeks.

You may see my questions as pointless and not getting you any closer to actually addressing the EA. I'm trying to see "her". I'm trying to see what is driving her wayward ship. I'm looking for a piece of the puzzle picture, I suppose. I will quickly tell anyone I am no expert. You don't have to answer anything you don't want to answer.

I don’t see any of these questions as pointless, I have read a lot of your writing and understand why you’ve asked for this information. Thank you so much for your interest and support.