The bomb woke me up, but she still won't talk

[sandi2]

Well, you can't make another person feel remorse. The wayward spirit will likely rebuke any sort of guilt card the H may play in an attempt to stir remorse in his WW. If she is defensive or you hit a nerve......she'll pounce on you like a tigress. She'll bring up everything you've done the past 17 years.

My H has such a forgiving heart but when he looked at me and said, "I can't believe that you haven't even apologized to me", I saw none of that good heart. Looking through my WW eyes, I saw a H filled with self-righteousness, and I wanted to tear into him. I wanted to tell him that it was his fault that we were in that mess.

After hearing of your W's loss of her parents, it makes even more sense that therapy may be needed. Is she the type who wants to talk about her feelings, or does she bury them in her heart? Some people are very touchy about someone suggesting they see a "shrink". I may understand the WW side of her, but I don't know the person you've known in her. To be honest, I don't recall another case where the WW broke contact with OM.....with the intent of no further contact until she joins him years down the road from the present time. It causes me to question if this is just a case of waywardness, or if there is more to what's going on in her. Don't misunderstand what I mean. The psychosis in some WW's can be very alarming. Every sitch is personalized by its history and experiences within that woman's life.

The lack of contact could throw her into withdrawals, but I am concerned she is keeping that dream alive......which would be a common act for WW's. She may write her feelings and dreams in a journal, or just fantasize about how wonderful their life will be together. She may fuel her dreams by losing herself in romantic novels (it happens). The logically person would eventually give up and realize that OM isn't going to wait for her that long. He's just playing the game. However, I have to ask.......how logical is she? When a woman is unhappy and her emotional needs are not being met, she will reach out to something or someone that will stir some feelings that assure her she's not dead. Even if it's nothing more than a fantasy, if it makes her feel good......she continues doing it.

Does your W have a close female friend? Does she have any relatives still living?

Okay, so let's continue to talk about this for a little longer. You've waited this long, you can wait a bit more. So far, I've learned she has a lot of stubborn pride; has suffered loss of both parents; has kept secrets from her H. What type of personality does she have? Who would you say "wears the pants" in this relationship? Would you describe her as a bully; self entitled; a perfectionist; high strung; low key; quick to anger; affectionate, timid, etc.

How are things going in the bedroom? Still having sex? Here's an important question. Does she let you give her open mouth kisses? You know the kind I mean. Does she engage in sex, but avoids the open mouth kisses? Are there any nonsexual show of affection throughout the day, or is all pretty much hands off?

You may see my questions as pointless and not getting you any closer to actually addressing the EA. I'm trying to see "her". I'm trying to see what is driving her wayward ship. I'm looking for a piece of the puzzle picture, I suppose. I will quickly tell anyone I am no expert. You don't have to answer anything you don't want to answer.