As an example of validation, when she said she was frustrated that we were here again, I basically repeated what she said, something like, "I can completely understand why you feel frustrated. I'm feel a little frustrated too. I'm sorry we are here. Is there anything else you are feeling?" She said no to that.
OK that's not bad but as I suspected you could use some tweaking there. First, have you read the validation thread that Cadet posted early in your thread? If not then please do so. OK so briefly, validation is seeking to discover how someone is feeling and then acknowledging their feelings. It is HER feelings so don't say "I can completely understand" because she will think "you have no idea how I feel, how can you understand what it's like to be in my place???" So she says she is frustrated you're here again, you seek out her feelings- "you do seem frustrated, how does that make you feel?" Whatever she says- angry, sad, etc. do not downplay her feelings. Acknowledge them. "I am sorry you're angry and frustrated about this situation, it must be difficult to go through this again." You are not agreeing/ disagreeing/ negotiating/ explaining/ etc. You are simply acknowledging her feelings, which at the end of the day is all she wants from you.
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I'm feel a little frustrated too.
Do not ever turn it into how YOU are feeling. You are seeking to understand and acknowledge HER feelings. Try to think of yourself like a counselor, if you went to a counselor they would offer you a lot of validation but they would never start talking about how THEY feel, right? Because then you would think "you're just making this about you". It comes off as selfish.
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I made it a point to GAL and do some shopping for myself when she returned. I work from home a couple days a week, so part of me giving her space and GAL is not being under foot all the time when she is home. She runs her own business from home, so she's home frequently.
I also didn't initiate conversation unless it was necessary (about kids pickup, sports, if I could help with dinner, etc.). She didn't initiate a ton last night. However, when we were in bed reading, she turned off the light and said, "Looks like we'll get to bed early tonight. Good night sugar." I told her good night back, but did not say ILY, which would have been our usual.
Great!
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She has told me she wants to work on the M and she is hopeful. However, there has been very little to back that up action wise other than initiating pleasant conversation.
Lower your expectations. You're not going to see any bold moves from her, the small baby steps she's doing are the most you can hope for right now. Give her time to believe your changes. It sounds like things are actually going pretty well, I think you just need to reign in your expectations that things will be "normal" quickly.
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I have a business trip for 4 days next week. Should I ask her for an hour or two of quality time (which is her LL) before I go or just leave it? I'd really like to connect with her so we have some good vibes/mojo to think about while I'm gone. That's probably not DB'ing at its best thought...
Don't ask for "quality time". Instead, come up with some kind of QT thing to do. Also Michele suggests to invite her along to something you are doing whether she goes or not rather than asking her out. So for example you might say "hey I think I'll go grab some ice cream at Happy Happy Joy Joy (or coffee, or dinner or whatever) tomorrow, do you want to come along? If she says no then you go anyway. That way it feels less like a date and that's less pressure on her.
