I definitely understand standing tall and doing things that you wanted to do and be a good example for your daughters.
I did tell exW I was disappointed, but I am way more than disappointed. I am upset. She went against what we had agreed upon - she was the one who had brought it up TWICE to make sure we were on the same page months ago. So for her to now do this and me not holding her feet to the fire is just weak sauce. I don't intend to talk to her with anger. I can get myself emotionally grounded quite well now.
The crux of the issue is - we agreed to a standard of behavior that respects the feelings and thoughts of the other person when it comes to the kids, and treat it with prime importance. She has called me out on that, correctly. Even though my intention wasn't to not take her into account, my actions made her feel as the lesser parent. I put myself in her shoes and acknowledged that and gave her a heartfelt apology, and made sure that my future actions reflected that I met the standard. So, this is me holding her to the same standard she expects out of me - it's not vindictive, but both parties have to act in a way that ensures that other parent is the first priority when it comes to the kids.
You're right about the boundary. They have to be enforceable. I just need to get a clearer picture of what's going on to see if it's worth my time to meet this person. If they are around my kids, I most definitely want to put a face to the name and him also knowing who he's dealing with.
I can't stop her from introducing someone in the kids lives and how often they hang out - I am not trying to do that. I know I can't control that. But, we need to be on the same page when it comes to parenting and this issue falls under that.
I also need her to know that I am not conflict-averse and that I will not shy away from difficult conversations. I will not have important conversations over text/email - that's weak sauce. She did that and I know because she can't handle conflict. I can have a civilized conversation and express my thoughts and feelings without emotions bubbling over.
As I am committed to my own learning and growth as a person, this is one of the most important things for me to be able to do - not be conflict averse, manage my emotions, give the other person a wider berth and not automatically assume they acted out of malice, and be direct about my thoughts and feelings. As much as I can say that I am better at that, I need to walk the talk at all times. This is me showing up for myself more than anything. I will not slink away in a corner. I am a f#$%king Alpha.
