I went right to the drawing board to work on myself and learn what my barriers were to connection. I do certainly have my issues and I wasn't really clear on what here Love Language was. Man, am I clear now!!! She is a Quality Time gal, and loves to connect through shared experiences and quality conversation. I was NOT giving her my full undivided attention, I was not validating, I was constantly in my own head trying to figure out what to say next, I was not listening, and I was not initiating quality time experiences.
I can't really tell from reading your update if she is one foot out the door or two feet but I'm inclined to think one foot. If she's half in/half out then it might help to try and "fill her love tank". Brush up on 5LL and her LL in particular and come up with ways to do that without pursuing. Maybe you're already doing this, you said things have gotten better the last few weeks, is this one of the reasons?
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I had a BAD moment yesterday... I initiated some relationship talk. UGG. It was heavy, but I did practice good listening and validating.
Can you give an example of how you are validating? Sometimes people just flat don't understand what it is, and they think they are doing it when they are not at all.
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She has thawed over the last 3 weeks, but still no affection, no casual touching, no initiating "ILY", though she does freely initiate conversation and will reciprocate if I initiate casual touching.
GOOD! Those are positive signs. Perhaps you are expecting too much too soon.
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There still feels like there is a bit of a wall up.
Well yes there is. It will take a while before she starts trusting you enough to lower it again.
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She reported that she was still frustrated that we were here again. She noticed changes, and felt more hopeful about the M than she was 3 weeks ago. We had a phenomenal Valentine's date, we went to an escape room with the kids, and we were intimate on Valentine's Day (though she didn't get me a card or present as she usually does...and I did).
Again these are good signs. DB'ing is about baby steps, not big moves. You are seeing some great baby steps. Your big hurdle now is patience. Right now she thinks you are changing to lure her back, IE, it's all tricks. She doesn't trust your changes. You've got to show her consistent changed behavior over TIME before she'll believe it.
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-If she wants to work on the M, why doesn't it look like she is from my end???
Because her working on it is different than you working on it. She's trying to learn to trust you again.
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-Why is she still so cold??
She's worried you will fall back to old habits, so she's keeping her guard up.
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-How do I gain more connective experiences without seeming desperate?
Don't be pushy. Give her time and space while also trying to reach out to her in her LL. Remember you have the gift of time, don't rush things or she'll run.
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-Do I continue to ask her to do things?
Don't ask her out on dates. Something like the escape room is fine because it's with the kids. It's OK to ask her ALONG for stuff like that (IE, you go whether she does or not) but personal dates right now are pressure and you need to remove the pressure.
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Do I continue to say ILY?
Don't initiate. If she says it then it's OK to say it back.
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-Do I pull away a little and give her space? Let her come to me?
Yes.
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Despite the heavy talk yesterday, she continues to initiate small talk.
