Well...a fitting end to a crappy night. Two crying children... my son because he is sad about the “you know mom... dad...the divorce.” He says he thinks about it when he isn’t busy and that he misses “the old days” when we were all together. I asked him if he ever talks to Dad about his feelings and he tells me that he doesn’t because he doesn’t feel as safe with him. He then said that he hasn’t been good at keeping Dad’s secrets so he doesn’t think Dad would be good at keeping his. Sigh... I then tell him that there are no secrets that he should ever have to keep for either of his parents. He said he knows and then looked at his sister and said, “pretty sure [name of D11] has at least one.” She just glared at him so I have no idea what that is about and I didn’t ask. I just told her that she can always come to me if she is worried or upset about anything and doesn’t need to worry about my feelings.
My daughter’s issues are tougher to figure out. She came into my room later and needed to talk. Lots of tears. Not a lot made sense. The confusion of being an 11 year-old girl with a family in flux and a brother who she loves one minute and can’t stand the next. Such fluctuating emotions. My H, of course, oblivious... off living with someone else’s children. And he has convinced himself he is doing the right thing. Any anger I still feel toward him definitely surfaces when I see my children hurting.
That letter I found was really hard to read. He’s gone from “I love you so much it takes my breath away” to “I like you as a friend.” Reading it was surreal, to say the least. He even talked about being a strong person who will work hard to keep me happy and safe”. Um...he didn’t even want to mow the lawn. I should have known. He was so crazy, over the top, head over heels in love with me that there was just nowhere else to go but down. Insert financial problems, parenting challenges, and daily stresses and how quickly love turns to resentment and deceit. Anyway...enough thinking for tonight. A bit of a setback on the detachment journey but I will recover. (((HUGS))) to all.
