Moving from Newbie status to LBS of MLCr

[Rita]

Grace, I am so sorry for what you are going through. I totally understand everything you are saying and have written the same things many times.

I think you are hurting not because there is something wrong with you, but precisely the opposite. It HURTS. You are one flesh and he is ripping it apart. I think it would be really weird if you didn't feel hurt.

I think it keeps hurting but by detaching it can hurt less.

But being told to detach is not how to detach. You can't detach today. Maybe you can't tomorrow either.

What I have noticed on these boards is that people who don't have faith have a practice toward detaching that is more rational and practice-based. This has never worked for me. The thoughts creep back in. All that has worked for me is to keep praying, asking God to give me peace despite all that I see and hear. That seems to be the only way I ever come by what folks here call detachment.

If you are a person of faith, it is a heavy cross to bear, because you are standing for your marriage and trying to trust God when it appears impossible and your H is saying horrifying things. You are trying to keep part of your heart open while also protecting yourself. It's impossible! Yet possible. But not in a day. Be patient. Forgive yourself. It will come when it comes. When you are in a dark night, if you can get yourself to clean the house or drink a martini or clean the house while drinking a martini, you are amazing! I rarely can do either one. If you have to spend an evening lying on the floor crying, you are still amazing. You are still breathing, you are still putting one foot in front of the other, so you are amazing, start from there!

But there is one thing you will find both those in the faith community and those here say, and that is to believe nothing you hear from H. He is, in secular terms, totally confused; and in faith terms, is listening to the lies of the devil! So he can say totally contradictory things and believe both of them. Reminding myself of this over and over is one way I was able to get some detachment. Realizing that my H is mentally ill, in other words, helps me to both forgive and detach and know that I have to enjoy my life with or without him.

Keep your eyes on God. You can stand for your marriage even if your H says horrible things to you and swears he's never coming back. You can also stop standing for your marriage when he says horrible things. It's your choice to make. Always.

Just don't stop trusting that God has a plan for you and is by your side while you face this darkness, this rejection, this pain. You are not alone. By God's grace!

(((((Grace)))))))

P.S. It's not a huge setback. It was a moment of raw honesty for you and it helped you to see things. Maybe it didn't "work" on H but that's not your problem. If it helped you see that you want to go a little dark or stop initiating contact, great. If it didn't, you'll get there when you get there. Just keep seeking what can bring you a tiny bit of peace and a tiny bit of joy and don't worry, you can't mess things up with H, he did that already. Forgive yourself. You are doing great.