Moving from Newbie status to LBS of MLCr

[OneArt]

Grace, I hope this will help, but there will come a time when you just don't care anymore about what he is doing or not doing. Right now you are stuck in the rawness of it. And I think your H has been particularly cruel in his trickle truths to you and implying that this was temporary, when it clearly wasn't, and now claiming you aren't doing the dance right so everything is your fault. This is what they do. They lie, lie, lie. They project and gaslight. Anything to get you off their back. Any story to tell people to justify what they have done. THIS IS NOT YOUR FAULT!!! Don't buy into his BS. [The buying the house excuse after the tax law change is the most ridiculous thing I've heard].

Here is the stone cold reality. You don't want to be with someone who does not want to be with you. You can't reason with someone who is unreasonable. You can't have a rational conversation with someone who is irrational. You can't talk someone out of their feelings. Everything you say to him now is a wasted breath, just a further excuse for why you are awful or unsupportive or fill in the blanks.

Imagine if you could reach the point where you just did not react. Where he got nothing from you. When every time the toddler turned around mom had her back turned. Imagine how scary that would be for him. Now imagine every argument, every fight, every accusation as just further evidence of how you are right where he wants you, how awesome to have two women fighting over him. How empowering that must feel.

Do your best to take your eyes off him. Move forward with your life. Make your like what you want it to be for you. If he catches up with you in the future when he has played out the futility of his fixes, great. If not, you are way down the road on your path to healing and creating a meaningful future for yourself.

[Grace21]

Thank you Deja, DnJ, Gordie and OneArt.

My mind is in turmoil right now. All of your posts are meaningful and true. There is so much to think about.

Why do I want to stand?
DO I want to stand?
He stated he's no good for me or anyone. Why do I think he STILL might be good for me?

I know it's easier for him to justify his actions when he feels there is someone else to blame. But it still hurts, even though I know they are lies.

He is so very damaged. I am actually quite healthy, in mind, body and soul. He's right. I do have quite a good life without him.

I want a good like WITH him .....Still.

The nurturing nurse in me needs to go away.

I can't fix him. Never could. Never will.


I'm too wired to sleep. Maybe I'll clean the house.

I realized that I've only had 1 or 2 sleepless nights since "I kicked H out" 6 months ago. I'd say that's not too bad.

I will re-read and mull things over tomorrow.

Thanks.

[DejaVu6]

That’s the ticket!!! Just finished my ice cream.

[Rita]

Grace, I am so sorry for what you are going through. I totally understand everything you are saying and have written the same things many times.

I think you are hurting not because there is something wrong with you, but precisely the opposite. It HURTS. You are one flesh and he is ripping it apart. I think it would be really weird if you didn't feel hurt.

I think it keeps hurting but by detaching it can hurt less.

But being told to detach is not how to detach. You can't detach today. Maybe you can't tomorrow either.

What I have noticed on these boards is that people who don't have faith have a practice toward detaching that is more rational and practice-based. This has never worked for me. The thoughts creep back in. All that has worked for me is to keep praying, asking God to give me peace despite all that I see and hear. That seems to be the only way I ever come by what folks here call detachment.

If you are a person of faith, it is a heavy cross to bear, because you are standing for your marriage and trying to trust God when it appears impossible and your H is saying horrifying things. You are trying to keep part of your heart open while also protecting yourself. It's impossible! Yet possible. But not in a day. Be patient. Forgive yourself. It will come when it comes. When you are in a dark night, if you can get yourself to clean the house or drink a martini or clean the house while drinking a martini, you are amazing! I rarely can do either one. If you have to spend an evening lying on the floor crying, you are still amazing. You are still breathing, you are still putting one foot in front of the other, so you are amazing, start from there!

But there is one thing you will find both those in the faith community and those here say, and that is to believe nothing you hear from H. He is, in secular terms, totally confused; and in faith terms, is listening to the lies of the devil! So he can say totally contradictory things and believe both of them. Reminding myself of this over and over is one way I was able to get some detachment. Realizing that my H is mentally ill, in other words, helps me to both forgive and detach and know that I have to enjoy my life with or without him.

Keep your eyes on God. You can stand for your marriage even if your H says horrible things to you and swears he's never coming back. You can also stop standing for your marriage when he says horrible things. It's your choice to make. Always.

Just don't stop trusting that God has a plan for you and is by your side while you face this darkness, this rejection, this pain. You are not alone. By God's grace!

(((((Grace)))))))

P.S. It's not a huge setback. It was a moment of raw honesty for you and it helped you to see things. Maybe it didn't "work" on H but that's not your problem. If it helped you see that you want to go a little dark or stop initiating contact, great. If it didn't, you'll get there when you get there. Just keep seeking what can bring you a tiny bit of peace and a tiny bit of joy and don't worry, you can't mess things up with H, he did that already. Forgive yourself. You are doing great.

[Grace21]

Well, I'm back. I had a good cry. The very FIRST one since H moved out. Much needed I think.

I called out to God to soothe me.

I called out to God to guide me on what to do.

I called out to God to help H.

Finally the tears stopped.

And here I am.


I think that H is his own worst enemy. He craves so very much affirmation and attention, but the one person that has stood by him for 30 years, he doesn't turn to. When that affection and affirmation comes from me, (and Grace, I might add), he can't, or won't, receive it.

He's a product of his own worst fears. He's creating an environment to see if I will believe he's a bad person and therefore affirm his own belief, that he's worthy of---------

Abandonment.

By yet another person in his life.

But God doesn't want me to abandon him.

I might not have control over the outcome of my marriage, but,

I can get on with my life without abandoning him.

[Grace21]

Good morning. Had my martini (I think it was a double), and had a bit of a headache when I woke up. Gone after 2 advil and a cup of coffee!

Here is the stone cold reality. You don't want to be with someone who does not want to be with you. You can't reason with someone who is unreasonable. You can't have a rational conversation with someone who is irrational.

So true. I've said as much to many friends over the months. I've even told me kids that it takes 2 to work on a M, and if their dad chooses not to do that, there is nothing I can do. This whole situation is out of my control. That is tough for anyone, but I'm a fixer so many doubly so. I feel at peace every time I truly give my situation over to God. I need to remind myself daily to do this.

Do your best to take your eyes off him. Move forward with your life. Make your life what you want it to be for you. If he catches up with you in the future when he has played out the futility of his fixes, great. If not, you are way down the road on your path to healing and creating a meaningful future for yourself.

Take your eyes off of him and keep them on you and the kids
Today was terrible
Tomorrow will be better
One day at a time

This is how I've been living these past months, for sure. It does work, and I AM mostly happy and content. Why, then, do I feel like I've done something wrong? I showed no compassion for Hs miserable states. I never checked up on him. I don't care. Ugh. The words haunt me, because I DO care, and thought by letting him alone, that was the loving thing to do. I tried to explain that to H, but of course if fell on deaf ears.
Back to me and the kids today. Just finished booking a trip to see my folks and sister for Spring Break. It will be nice to have my loving family around me.

You gave him some things to think about. You learned that he hasn’t filed because he isn’t sure and he is resisting her because he maybe, just maybe, has an inkling it isn’t all about you. Space and time has allowed him to remember the good things about the two of you. That’s a good thing. Next talk, you should focus on listening and validating.

I wonder if he WILL think about it. He said a few alarming things last night, a backhanded, vague comment about a permanent out, and how he thinks he may be going insane. Yikes. I think he knows it’s not about me at this point. He states he is so damaged, he’s always been damaged, and always will be damaged. We talked briefly about him seeking a counselor. He had excuses, of course. I’d be curious how he acts around OW, and whether she knows ANY of this at all. Probably not.
Not my problem.

Now, let this particular episode go, and get back to working on Grace. She is a darn good woman and deserves your attention much more than your H. And in my ever so humble opinion, your H is a complete fool for leaving such a fine person.

Thank you. In the midst of these episodes, thoughts creep in about my own value, but thankfully I have found so much peace and happiness in so many ways that those feelings are stifled in usually short order. I appreciate the affirmations. I got a few of those this weekend from a man, and I liked it!

You know there are lots of lessons from this night. However, just a couple of quick things in case you miss them.

A good rule is contact them after waiting 24 hours, 48 is even better. Unless it is about kids, it can wait.

Yes. I see the value in this now. I need to dig deep for self-control in the future.

H and OW are looking at buying a house together. You need to get your financial security in place.

I’ve been thinking about this, and not sure what course of action I need to do. A Realtor friend of mine said that in our State, unless the D papers are signed, he can’t buy a house with her. Need to look into that further.

DnJ[/quote] I am happy to discuss anything with you. Will talk soon. [/quote]

I am thankful for your thoughtful responses, and wisdom. This board is my lifeline.

but there will come a time when you just don't care anymore about what he is doing or not doing. Right now you are stuck in the rawness of it.

I know this in a logical sense, but impossible to believe now. I care about him so much, and my vows and devotion to 30 years make it really tough to implement. Time and space, as they say.

But it also hurts that he used the reason of me not showing caring and compassion to him these month is why he reached out to Her. I know, I know. I’m not the reason at all. The words still sting. Maybe if I had just…….

Keep your eyes on God. You can stand for your marriage even if your H says horrible things to you and swears he's never coming back. You can also stop standing for your marriage when he says horrible things. It's your choice to make. Always.
Just don't stop trusting that God has a plan for you and is by your side while you face this darkness, this rejection, this pain. You are not alone. By God's grace!

It is nice to know I have a choice, but one thing I do know, I don’t plan to ever file for D. That will have to be on him. That thought may change with time, but pretty firm now. I did tell H that if he thought being with her would give him happiness, I won’t stand in his way.
I’m digging deep for the patience to wait while God does his work. I pray for guidance on what to do, what to say. I’m not hearing Him, though. I wish his voice was clearer right now. I guess I have more to learn first, though, before He guides me on the next steps.

Time to get ready for work. Bible study tonight, Bunko tomorrow, Friday with a friend, and Sunday a party.

Diversions are always a good thing.

In spite of the recent events, Life truly is Good!

[job]

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Embracing my inner me