So something came in the mail today that made me think H has hooked back up again with his OW. I thought it over for a while, and decided to ask. So I texted him….. M: Can you talk for a few minutes. H: About what? M: I want to know if you are seeing xxxx again. H: Why? M: Just answer the question please. (I’m already pretty sure by this point because of the avoidance) H: You haven’t cared about what I’ve been doing for 6 months remember you asked me to leave. M. Just answer the question please and that is not true what you just said. I think we need to meet. H: Yes it’s true. She actually actually cares what’s been happening to me. H: Whatever it is you got to say you can say it here
I couldn’t leave it alone. Could I? So I called him. He answered very snappish “WHAT!” And it went downhill from there. He accused me of not caring one bit about him over these past 6 months. He was living in terrible conditions, his shoulder injury, you haven’t asked about my procedure, and on and on. He accused me of throwing him out. “SHE actually cares about me.” (just writing that wants to make me vomit). I told him I’ve done nothing but care (love) him for 30 years. And that hasn’t changed. He started to rehash old stuff. He chooses to wallow in what was, and not try to find a better future. I got drawn in though. Raised my voice. He did too. I found myself defending myself. Ugh. And I HATE it! I did nothing wrong! I tried to remind him that I didn’t throw him out. We agreed it was best. I told him for 30 years I never stopped loving him, and still today want reconciliation.
He brought up many times that I am obviously doing much better without him because I seem so content and happy. He commented on how great the house looks all the time, my “trips” (one cruise with a friend), how he had to learn everything……shop, cook, budget, laundry. How he’s no good to me or anyone.
He said SHE is pushing for more (she still lives with her H, BTW), but he’s resisted. I asked what do you mean, more? He said she wants to BUY a place together, and told him it was wasteful to rent month to month and having to always move. THAT pissed me off. We have joint accounts.
I asked why he hasn’t filed for D yet. And why he’s resisting more with HER. He said because he remembers all the good things about US.
I asked him why he thinks he can’t share his thoughts with me. He launched into the same thing he always does “We’ve never had that deep communication. You didn’t seem to care for me as a man and didn’t seem to care if I was around or not”.
I don’t even remember my full response, but I did say that we were way, way beyond “we didn’t have that kind of communication” .
There was more (40 minutes on the phone).
I hate myself for being drawn in. I hate myself for feeling I had to defend myself. I’m mad at myself for bring the kids into this, telling him if he moves in with her I’m answering all of the kids questions about it honestly. I’m mad at him for being so weak. I’m mad that his soul is sick. I’m mad that he refuses to get help, and just seems to want to stay miserable. I’m mad he’s with that skank again.
I finished the phone call telling him he still has a lot of soul searching to do, and if he thought a life with HER was what he wanted, I wouldn’t stand in his way. And, that I am not reaching out to him. I will wait for him do do it if that’s what he chooses to do.
Sigh. I don’t usually drink martini’s during the week. But tonight seems to be the night to break that rule.
P.S. I just typed this out, and didn’t really re-read it. So sorry if it’s a bit jumbled.
