Rocky Road

[Miler]

overrnbw,

That's a fair enough question(s). I'm not quite sure it's a simple as "fell back into unproductive behaviors." I'm not sure we actually addressed anything to begin with. We both turned to each other one day and felt like we couldn't be without one another, despite the fact that we were both dating other people. We spent some time together and realized we loved each other after being separated for a few months. Our connection at that time was getting past the hurt, being with one another again, and piecing our relationship (it was like the honeymoon phase all over again). We were connected because we were fighting against something together (and against the people we, now looking back, mistakenly dated to make ourselves feel better). We both have unproductive behaviors that were never truly addressed. I still have plenty to work on, that have contributed to the ups and downs of the past 20 years. But this brings me to your questions...

"What's different for you this time" is rather easy to answer. I never truly understood what she meant by "being more engaged." I essentially was going through the motions. I thought it meant do more around the house, help out with the kids more, do more things the family likes rather than sports and work, go on more dates, spend more time together. Well, we did those things...however, what was missing was me. I wasn't fully there. My attention was divided with work, my phone, being in my head, not having meaningful conversation, etc. She wants to be with me fully, not just around me more. She wants me to ask more questions about her, be interested in her and what's she up to...not just update me when I get home. That's different. Whether I was ignorant or just didn't see clearly (which now it's pretty clear, AND it's something I can do). I've recently read Love Languages for Men, I Hear You, and Eight Dates and I get it.

"Who do I really want to be"... that seems like it is ripe with philosophical rhetoric. I am who I am. I'm wired the way I'm wired. I run a laboratory on human cognition and am fairly certain that we can't truly change the DNA of "who we are." Personality characteristics are fairly well established in the late teens (granted yes through experiences as well as genetics), the frontal lobes of the brain (last maturating area) are fully maturated between 22 and 25, and decades of literature shows attempts to change fundamental likes, dislikes, personality, etc. in adults is not genetically possible (which is why results of psychotherapy trials are very seldom positive). NOW, can I change how I interact with the world, my spouse, my children, others, and make better decisions/choices when it comes to who and how I give my attention...you bet! Absolutely! Can I break free of some of the anxiety that comes along with trying new experiences with my wife, you bet! I would love to be more vulnerable, more open about my thoughts, feelings, and desires. I would love for my wife to be able to influence me without always feeling like I have to be right. I would love to find simple ways to let her know that I cherish her and everything she brings to the relationship. So change who I am, nah. I think she likes/loves who I am...that's who, and why, she was attracted to in the first place. I can't change the fact that I love sports, I love my job, and I don't like wearing slacks. However, I can most certainly change the way I make her feel, through showing her I love her, letting her feel validates and heard, spending truly undivided quality time with her, making her a priority, and...putting down sports, work, and jeans every once in a while.

Yes, I'm truly sorry I didn't have that skills set 20 years ago...and even 5 years ago. But, I am working hard to change THAT. I want that for me, my wife, my kids, my parents, and the people I love now and down the road.