MLC? Confused what to do

[sandi2]

First, thanks to Steve for that vote of confidence. Second, I want to encourage you, Anthony. We (well, some of us) speak rather bluntly, so I hope you won't take like we are out to see how badly we can make you feel. I was a WW when I joined the board, so I understand what it's like to get a little heat. I am delighted to see that you care for the children and that you are in counseling, etc. You have a lot on you while your W is in her emotional/mental frame of mind. The spouse who shows up on the DB board, is the one who gets the tools......and with it, comes a level of responsibility. The more given, the more expected......or something to that effect.

the sexual pain was diagnosed and she went through so many therapies. It was so bad that she just desynthesized sex. The drinking helped her get over the anxiety. She still says she can't feel anything down there but did it for me.

I would have anxiety, too, if it hurt to have sex. Actually, when I was pregnant once, it was very painful, and I resented my H b/c he wanted to keep having sex. I also remember a time when I told him that I would have sex for him. I honestly thought I was being a good W by enduring it for him. I was so young and ignorant about men and their needs. Anyway, I am very sorry for both of you that she has this problem with sex. Does it have any emotional ties to her past relationships?

The BFF came along after we started going over to his house and she admits she didn't like her BFF at first. However, they could talk about anything without judgment.

Did your W feel that she had been judged about something.....or was it more that she felt free to do whatever without BFF judging? Sorry for so many questions. I'm just trying to get a better feel of the sitch.

She has no really other close friends which is why she probably gravitated to this guy when I broke that news.

Women need at least one close female friend, especially when she's still relatively young, raising kids, etc. She doesn't need male friends. There are few reasons why men would choose to being just friends with a woman. He is either very in love with his W, very religious, ................and that's about all I can think of ATM. He is her friend, only if she won't let him be more. Now that you are aware this OM has had sex with your W, don't look at him as if he is just a friend. People don't have sex with their friends. Marriages are breaking up every day b/c our society has said it is fine to be friends with the opposite sex that excludes the spouses. What it fails to mention is that it is not okay for spouses to disguise an affair (especially in the workforce) by calling it friendship. Whatever MR you have in the future (either with this W or a new one), make it known from day one that there will be no "friendships" that exclude the spouses. What about you and your friendships. Do you have male buddies to hang out together? Have there not been any couple friends for you and W?

This is just me talking, but I'm pretty sure I would not reside under the same roof while my spouse was going out to see the AP. Did your IC tell you to date your W? It sounds like something a MC would say. Are you residing under the same roof, due to financial reasons? Is she dependent on your earnings?

I was not the most emotionally supportive the last few years.

Do you know why, or were you aware at time that you were not being emotionally supportive?

I know I can't make her change her mind. I can only focus on myself and fix me and be there for the kids. I read the dos and don'ts and have struggled with some of them.

You can't force her to do anything she doesn't want to do, but the H can have a ton of influence on his W. You've already made some good decisions, and seeing you acting from a place of inner strength & integrity is what she needs. How do I know? B/c it is what every W needs, regardless of the mess she's made or how she may feel at the moment. Let me share with you something about women. It is wired into our DNA to look up to the men who show stability, self confidence, self respect, protection, leadership, etc. When it comes to our H, we expect him to be stronger than we are. Don't put up with our bad behavior; don't cave to our demands; and don't be outsmarted by our manipulative tricks. We are very crafty. (Your W won't tell you any of this.....so, I will.)

If there are specific rules you struggle with, let us know. Some may require a further explanation.

Just don't know how we can if she is still talking to the other guy and when I "bored" her, she just left me in a middle of a date to be with him. The next day she was apologetic and kissing butt of no divorce.

You can't. My advice is no more dating her as long as she is contacting this other guy. You are not in competition with him! As a woman, she cannot feel true in-love feelings for more than one man at a time. She may have sex with a dozen in one night, but she only feels in-love with one. Your W will have to get this OM and any other guys completely out of her head, before she stops being "confused" about her feelings for you. Before you consider reconciliation, she needs to end things with him. If you have been guilty of inappropriate behavior (other than the admitted stuff with her BFF), you must stop it immediately. If you want to save this MR, then it needs to start with you not indulging in anymore inappropriate behavior for a M man. Don't mean to sound like I'm harping, just trying to leave no doubt as to what you will need to do.

She told me last night that she is going to start talking to her BFF again. I am ok with that for now as it is more contact with her BFF than that guy but both people really need to be gone. I begged for months prior that my wife quit hanging out with BFF because she was toxic.

So you saw this as BFF being the lesser of the two evils? I want you to practice something. Practice not being "okay" with what you know is bad. Just b/c your W decides to poison her life, it should not be okay with you. You should have a very big problem that this BFF is in the picture. What I don't comprehend is why on earth your W wants anything to do with her, considering how her "friend" gave you a BJ behind her back. She must really be desperate for a female friend. Bad thing is......that woman is not a friend. Just make sure you remember that fact.

I still do not know why I ever started flirting with her except I was begging for attention and her BFF was giving me the attention my wife wasn't.

Then I suggest you figure it out........and fast. Why? B/c you will repeat your mistakes if you don't know why you did them.

Keep reading the homework from Cadet. Keep posting.


P.S. Where do you turn for inner strength and guidance?