There have been a lot of things going on in my life since my last update. First thing first though. I have finally come to the realization that I don't want my WW back anymore. My last bit of feelings of R for her gone. All I have now are memories, good and bad. I'm trying to not dwell on the mistakes I made and I am still trying to not have angry thoughts about the way she treated me, what she said, etc. I keep reminding myself that I contributed towards her behavior and she is deeply hurt. I also think about who she was when I first met her and how happy I made her. Then it goes downhill when I remember my passive-aggressive behaviors when she was pregnant, the mean things I said about our R, the angry outbursts, all stuff that contributed to the end. I feel guilt for my contribution towards it. I feel sad that when I look at my WW I see the shell of a woman who I fell in love with but is a different person dating someone else. And I think, "If I just...it would not have happened." Maybe it was supposed to end this way. But I know that I have to live with the heartbreak I caused to someone who truly loved me for who I was.
I am still struggling to do tasks that require my knowledge (taxes, hospital bills, childcare, etc.). I still have a problem of making a promise to do something then I don't do it. I have good reason not to do it, but I would tell her when she yells at me my reasoning for not doing it. For example, I was supposed to take some stuff to Goodwill. I told her I would take care of it months ago. Months later, the stuff is still there. When she yelled at me I told her why I couldn't...months later. I don't know if it's still my NGS or something else. I just know that I made promises to get stuff taken care of and I just don't want to do it for one reason or another.
In my life:
- Health is great. I feel better daily. - WW is moving out in May. Either legal separation or divorce papers will be filed. - I am going on a date tonight with someone I met at a Meetup three weeks ago. - I am tentatively being assigned my own company car
In other words: I'm loving life.
Now, I mentioned earlier that I am going on a date with someone I met at a Meetup. I know that I am on the tail end of this journey, and with all of the confidence I was gaining and working it was going to be a matter of time before I would start embarking on a new R journey. That being said, I know I'm going to have to take it slow. I also know that Sandy told me to let her (all of you) know when I do. I am going to need that. If something comes of this, I want to make sure that the foundation I am laying down is one not only of love, but of strength, teamwork, and fair compromise. And I need to make sure that I continue to apply the things I have learned towards this new potential R. I really mean it when I say that I want my second chance to my last one.
