MLC? Confused what to do

[sandi2]

Hi Anthony, I'm glad you found the DB board, b/c the people here can give you lots of support if you post often. I am so sorry to hear about your young family and how your MR has spiraled to this point.

My wife started to work out during this time and wanted to lose a lot of weight and look good. Started talking about tattoos (doesn't have any) and also plastic surgery (her nose or breasts).

Sometimes these type of actions are seen in women who are going through MLC, but it's not necessarily a determining factor. IMHO, something triggers a MLC......like the death of a close family member, for example. Whatever was not dealt with (or healed) in their younger years, throws them into a crisis when they are triggered by some tragedy. (That's a very rough & short explanation.)

Just by reading your story, it seems the problems were fueled by alcohol. Before you both started hanging out with the neighbor, did she have a history of alcohol or drug use? When she's not drinking, is she a person who is easily influenced by another person?

The other negative influence is her BFF. Does your W have any other close female friends who have been a positive influence in her life? How long were they friends, before BFF started hanging out at the neighbor's? Were you shocked when your W said you could flirt with her BFF? IMO, it's very rare for a W to tell her H he can flirt with another woman. Three things come to mind, for why she might tell you. 1) B/c she and BFF were already talking a threesome. 2) To catch you doing something.....in case she wanted leverage in the near future. 3) To deflect her own bad behavior (sleeping with OM, etc.)

I started to mention things like a threesome

Have you and your W ever discussed dabbling in the swinger lifestyle? I'm asking b/c whenever thoughts plants seeds, it will likely sprout into a real scenario. In your sitch, you have already experienced unfaithfulness, and opening your M to include another person during sexual intimacy. IDK if there have been other occasions in the past. I am not here to reprimand you. I only want to help you see how these actions have consequences. Your W has admitted to being very confused. Whenever a woman is participating in sexual activities with anyone other than her spouse........it is going to cause mixed/confused feelings. The consequences have just started, and you will have to find the strength to deal with it as it comes. I tend to make my posts too long, so I won't continue on with that subject at the moment.

I encourage you to read Divorce Remedy. Read the links that Cadet has provided in his post. Take time to think about your core values, b/c you need to know where you draw the line. You need to know what you stand for and what you will fight against. Take a personal evaluation of yourself as a man, a H, and as a father. Dig deep until it hurts,,,,,and then dig some more. Are you the kind of man you want your son to become? Are you the kind of man you want your little girls will marry some day? We encourage people to become the very best version of themselves. Don't try to become a house husband, thinking you will score brownie points with your W.......know what I mean? Don't focus on that type of stuff. Focus on what is the right thing to do for your kids, and becoming a man of honor they will respect. ((hugs))

I congratulate you for making the decision to stop drinking. I hate that things happened while under the influence, that might lead to the finality of the M. However, you are setting an example for your W by having the courage to not drink and keep your head clear. I hope she will follow suit. Do you have a supporter IRL, who can talk you off the ledge, so to speak?

I have a question about the pain she experiences when having sex. Has this been diagnosed by a physician?

Okay, I said I was going to shorten this, so I'll go for now. Keep reading and posting.