Rocky Road

[SteveLW]

Miler, sorry you find yourself back in this situation.

Let me tackle your list:

-If she wants to work on the M, why doesn't it look like she is from my end???

This is you trying to control her. It has been 3 weeks. That is a blip on the radar screen. Give it time. Calm down, take a breath and remember that these things take time. You can't fix overnight what took you weeks, months and years to get into.

-Why is she still so cold??

I think you know the answer to this. She has told you. She feels like you are back to where you were during the separation. She has admitted that her only reason for not separating again is because of the promise to the kids. That means her heart is not into it right now. Stop initiating affection. Stop saying ILY. Give her time and space to figure it out. By all means continue to do the 180s you've done but avoid pursuit and pressure. No WAS responds to pursuit and pressure by drawing closer. Read the distance/pursuit thread.

-My mind fears she is just biding her time to WAW again once my oldest goes to college in the fall

Maybe she is. What can you do about it? NOTHING. So why dwell on it. Live in the now and be the man only a fool would leave! She'll either open her heart back up to you, or you won't, but you can't CONTROL her. You can only control you!

-How do I gain more connective experiences without seeming desperate?

You don't. Anything you do (pressure and pursuit) to "gain more connective experiences" will seem desperate. She will question why you are doing it now. She'll see it as manipulation., that you are only doing it to get her to stay. This is why it doesn't work! So be kind, be considerate, be present. Find opportunities to fill her love take with her LL, but don't go overboard. Which leads us to:

-Do I continue to ask her to do things? Do I continue to say ILY?

No (sort of). And NO!! On the asking her to do things, don't "ask her". As in don't say "Do you want to go to the movies tonight?" And then if she says no, don't go. Instead, say "Hey, I am going to see XYZ movie tonight. You are welcome to come if you want."

And stop saying ILY. When you say that it makes her remember that maybe she doesn't love you right now. Plus it pressures her to respond with "ILY2". Both of those things are bad. So for now, no ILYs.

-Do I pull away a little and give her space? Let her come to me?

Yes, but don't do it coldly or meanly. Read the detachment thread so you know how to do this lovingly, where you are still present and kind. But the opposite of giving her space is to pursue and pressure. DON'T DO THAT!

-It's so hard to remain upbeat and continue with good listening when she seems cold and not interested in pushing ahead

Nothing in life that is worthwhile is easy. So do what is hard. Is it hard to be upbeat? And to listen? YES. But what is the opposite. To be mopey and sad? To not listen? Who wants to be married to that guy?!? Again, you are too concerned with her being cold and not interested. YOU HAVE NO CONTROL OVER HER!!!!! I keep repeating that for a reason. You need to understand that.

-IT FEELS LIKE I AM JUST WAITING FOR HER TO MAKE UP HER MIND!!!

This is what limbo is. You already know you want to save your MR. She isn't there. So you have a choice. You can pull the plug, go file for D, and move on with your life. OR you can be the man only a fool would love, see limbo as the gift of time, detach (lovingly), continue your 180s, and GAL!! (don't forget GAL!). Those are your choices right now. On detachment, look up "self differentiation in marriage". Studying that is eye-opening!

-It feels like she has all the control

Here is the crux of your problem. My guess is that you, like me, are a control freak. Here is the thing......you can only control one person this life: YOU! You have no control over anyone else. And trying to control others is a miserable way to go through this life. So stop it and don't do it. Focus on controlling yourself. She'll either come back, or she will leave. You have no control over that. But you can control the effect her decision has on you!! Concentrate on you.