Rocky Road

[Miler]

Hi gang,

Any input would be greatly appreciated! I've DB'd once in my life, and unfortunately, I find myself here again .

Married for 20 years
-separated for 5 months in 2015 (we both dated other people, but never pulled the trigger on the D)
-have children 18, 16, 11

After the separation, we entered couples counseling. We have been at that for 3+ years. There were a LOT of issues to work through when we got back together. We both struggled with trust issues, we weren't truly connecting, and just plain bad experiences (not that we didn't have our really good times). It was almost like we went through this cycle in which we connected really intensely, then distanced really intensely. REPEAT.

Well, over the last 9 months or so, we have faced a ton. The honeymoon of getting back together waned, we focused on the kids...stressors of sending one off to college, one struggling in school, and our other son lost his best friend (that was like a fourth child to us). In addition, I started a new business and she is growing hers.

Around 4 weeks ago, I came back from a business trip and she seemed cold. Definitely no affection, we hadn't been intimate in a month, and she wasn't reaching out like she typically would. She also wasn't wearing her wedding ring. She done this in the past when she works out a lot. She's lost weight in the past and the ring is very loose, and it bothers her when she workouts out. In the next therapy session, she said she felt like we hadn't connected in a year and felt like maybe we just were incapable of connecting outside of sex. We had different styles of connection. We spoke about this more when we got home. She didn't say she wanted to leave again (earlier separation was walk-away-spouse). I asked if she wanted to work on the marriage and she said yes. I asked if she felt like separation was an option again. She said that we promised the kids that we wouldn't split up again and that we needed to think about them. She said that it wasn't like we were walking around miserable or anything, but that she was frustrated that we "were back here again.

I went right to the drawing board to work on myself and learn what my barriers were to connection. I do certainly have my issues and I wasn't really clear on what here Love Language was. Man, am I clear now!!! She is a Quality Time gal, and loves to connect through shared experiences and quality conversation. I was NOT giving her my full undivided attention, I was not validating, I was constantly in my own head trying to figure out what to say next, I was not listening, and I was not initiating quality time experiences.

Life has been different for the last 3 weeks. I have been working hard and she has definitely noticed the changes. I had a BAD moment yesterday... I initiated some relationship talk. UGG. It was heavy, but I did practice good listening and validating. I asked about her continued distance. She has thawed over the last 3 weeks, but still no affection, no casual touching, no initiating "ILY", though she does freely initiate conversation and will reciprocate if I initiate casual touching. There still feels like there is a bit of a wall up. She reported that she was still frustrated that we were here again. She noticed changes, and felt more hopeful about the M than she was 3 weeks ago. We had a phenomenal Valentine's date, we went to an escape room with the kids, and we were intimate on Valentine's Day (though she didn't get me a card or present as she usually does...and I did).

Here's me freaking:
-If she wants to work on the M, why doesn't it look like she is from my end???
-Why is she still so cold??
-My mind fears she is just biding her time to WAW again once my oldest goes to college in the fall
-How do I gain more connective experiences without seeming desperate?
-Do I continue to ask her to do things? Do I continue to say ILY?
-Do I pull away a little and give her space? Let her come to me?
-It's so hard to remain upbeat and continue with good listening when she seems cold and not interested in pushing ahead
-IT FEELS LIKE I AM JUST WAITING FOR HER TO MAKE UP HER MIND!!!
-It feels like she has all the control

Despite the heavy talk yesterday, she continues to initiate small talk.

Any input or advice is greatly welcomed!!

Thanks guys,
Miler