Bo, I do like the advice you got from your IC, sounds like good stuff and very much in line with DB'ing.
I think I may have said this in your thread already but my ex and I agreed to a weekly split on custody. We both understood a week was a long time to go without seeing them so we also agreed to include verbiage in the decree stating that either parent could take the kids one evening during the "off" week to go to dinner or whatever. In actuality the kids had so many school activities that we were both going to that neither of us hardly ever went a week without seeing them even without using the extra day. Now two of my kids are grown and moved out and the other is still doing the weekly split. So we did it for, 7 years or so? I still think it was the best way to go. Handoffs were on Sundays so could be handled leisurely and ex and I would discuss upcoming homework/ projects/ events on the handoffs and coordinate kids' needs. I marked my work calendar so I could tell at a glance what weeks I had the kids so that I could plan work trips for weeks I didn't have them.
My brother did a 2-3-2 split and hated it. The kids were living out of suitcases and there was constant confusion over when handoffs were and homework frequently got missed too. Both of his kids ended up dropping out of high school, of course there were a number of reasons for that but their schedule certainly did not help things.
Originally Posted by Bo562
I also talked about swimming or picking up marital arts again
Hahaha! I know that's a typo but I think we could ALL do with some training in "marital arts"
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I would say the last year or two there hasn’t been too too much in terms of attention / affection between W and I. Some of that is on me, I will admit. I’ve got to be honest, though—W being gone for work for overnights, or for a few days, a week or two, a month, or even 3 months (which has happened, and most likely will again), really does not help with sex / physical affection, tbh.
Of course! Welcome to marriage. We get married, we have kids, we develop our careers and get super busy. I wasn't suggesting you were at fault for a lack of intimacy/ touching and such, just saying that it disappears from most marriages after a few years, and as such you're now missing something you weren't really getting anyway.
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I know you and / or others have mentioned this, and I just need to internalize this and move on, but I need to be content with waiting. I need to trust that all this (sex / affection / attention) will be back again some day—either in new-and-improved R with W, or with someone else IN TIME.
Your feelings are what they are, and it's fine to express them. I definitely don't suggest internalizing them! By all means vent about it.
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I really like what you wrote about your GF being part of the ‘elaborate tapestry’ that is your life, and is not your whole life. That sounds remarkably healthy, is beautifully phrased, and would be something that I’d like to strive for. Stop the codependency on my part. Find someone in time who will complement me; in the meantime, I need to make myself and my life so amazing (like I would tell my students ‘be your awesome, amazing selves’), that hopefully someone will want to ride along with me and share that journey.
Thank you and yes, that's the spirit!
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What I do have that I need to focus on?
2 wonderful children who need their Daddy. A great, relatively stable job that I’m very good at, and that there are students who need me to be a good role model to them, to love and serve them, and that there are students who look up to me and adore me.
What would I like to achieve within my power?
Growing emotionally stronger (the forum has helped, even if I don’t always sound like it; and seeing the LMFT will hopefully help too); getting in better shape (like I said, I love how I look and I’m really proud of my body for the first time in a very long time—this weekend I hit my target weight of 175 lbs.); becoming more financially self-sufficient / stable (I know a potential D can really blow this up, but there are things I can do to put myself in somewhat better shape, and I can set goals for the future)
Great focus and goals! Maybe copy these into your phone and when you start feeling lost just check them again to remind yourself where you are headed
