My wife and I have been married over 10 years and together for 17. I am 38 and she is 36. We have three children (9 yo son and twin 7yo daughters). We have had sexual problems prior to getting married that pretty much cut her off from wanting sex because of pain, etc. She and I pretty much stayed at home a lot with young children after we got married since within the first year of marriage she got pregnant. She was a stay at home wife/mother and I work at a great job and make good money. We have a nice house that is currently getting some patio addition done.
Fast forward to August 2017. We started hanging out at the neighbors house when the guy's son that is just a little younger than us invited us over. This guy's dad is an alcoholic. We started hanging out over there when his son built a fire pit and just wanted to hang out since he had a son my son's age. The neighbor's daughter also had a daughter that was my daughters' ages. We started to drink and my wife started to become more social. When she started drinking, she would start "dirty dancing" and just be flirtatious. This was very concerning to me and as the months went on, I thought maybe she had something for my neighbor's son who was single. I accused her of liking him and started snooping in her phone, phone bill, etc. Nothing really was found but for some reason I was determined in my mind that she was. This continued with other friends that went over there too.
My wife started to work out during this time and wanted to lose a lot of weight and look good. Started talking about tattoos (doesn't have any) and also plastic surgery (her nose or breasts).
Then she had a girlfriend of hers that started to hang out over there. This girlfriend is married and has two boys my kids ages. She is definitely in an unhappy marriage and my wife had told me that her friend was seeing another guy. This concerned me because my wife liked to start hanging out with her and go places and I didn't like that my wife was hanging out with a "friend" who is openly cheating on her husband.
The drinking go worse and worse for both of us. We were going over every weekend and getting drunk. Sometimes we would have fights. I started anti-depressants and the alcohol I think made me angry and yell and scream. She started going out with her girlfriend to bars. Sometimes not getting home until 2 or 3am and she would be passed out or vomiting when we got home. Now during this time, our sex life was much better as the alcohol did not make her feel pain as she used too. However, she still wasn't into it and told me that she did it for me. Well it is kind of hard to get excited to have sex with my wife knowing she was just doing it for me and most of the time just laid there.
I started to mention things like a threesome and she asked "oh yea? with who?". I mentioned her best friend who I did not like and still don't care for. I was drunk and not thinking but I did mention this maybe back in April or May 2018. During this same time, she was looking to go back to work and do something. She ended up getting a job through the school district and would start in August 2018. We went to a concert and she wanted to try weed for the first time with her best friend. It upset me because I can't do to drug testing for my job. She was about to start a new job and didn't know if there was drug testing.
The arguments got worse and during our 10 year anniversary in July 2018, we went away without kids. During this time, I drank a crap load the first night there and while we were doing things, I mentioned a threesome again. Not sure why but I did. This upset her and we dealt with the rest of the trip but it was not the best but not the worse time together.
August 2018, there was a blow up at the neighbor's house where the father and son got into a huge argument and a few days later, the neighbor quit drinking. He has not drank since then (good for him). Since he stopped drinking, we stopped hanging over there and my wife started to hang out even more with her "bestie". At this time, she also started frequenting bars, wanted to join a band as a singer. Said she like to go out to "escape" the kids and ust be social. I was worried since her best friend was always cheating and flirting that this was not a good idea.
Sometime in this time period she went out for drinks were her Zumba friends. She had three very potent margaritas at this mexican restaurant. She got a car ride home from her best friend even though she had contacted me before the third one asking if I would come get her. I needed my car the next day for work. We got into a huge argument and she walked away from the house. My neighbor's son and I look everywhere for 2 hours and couldn't find her. I finally had to call the sheriff and right after I got off the phone, she appeared. The sheriff came and talked to her and left. She was really drunk.
In September, we had a large argument after she stayed out late and we had a big fight. She swore nothing was going on with anyone and her best friend does have problems but it is not hers and not to worry. I am just paranoid and lack self confidence. I apologized to her in an email telling her that I love her and I will start to trust her and I would start to get help. I called and got into individual therapy. At this same time, I asked her to do marriage counseling but she said she wanted me to get individual help first.
During this time, she was very secretive on her phone, installed snapchat. She was always on the phone and hiding it and I got paranoid. I was begging for attention from her. She was always talking to other people to include her best friend. We hardly talked about anything except work, the kids or the house improvements.
In October 2018, I must have mentioned a threesome to her best friend who was always flirting with me and saying stuff like "can I f your wife?" and such. My wife said it upset her best friend and I told her I would apologize. My wife said it is ok to flirt and such with her but the threesome stuff needs to stop. Keep in mind, I don't like her best friend. Well I apologized to her since i made her uncomfortable and her friend told me that it didn't make her uncomfortable. Then I told her that my wife said we could flirt, whatever that meant. She stated that it meant whatever we wanted it to. Her best friend then told me how my wife told her how good I was in bed and how she always wanted to kiss me at my neighbor's house. She said every other guy would flirt back with her but me. She started flirting big time on text messages and saying how she was attracted to me and my wife. She drew me in and I started flirting back.
In early November, my wife said she was going out with her friend. This is the time when she was looking to join a band. She sent me texts saying that the one bar was not busy and they were going to another. I said have fun. I was trying to trust her. She came home at a reasonable time (before midnight). The next morning, I see on Facebook that her best friend was at a clock painting party until 10pm at night based on the pictures she was tagged in. I questioned her on who she was with. She said her friend. I showed her the post and looked at her phone. She was with one of the band guys that has told her she is pretty, and other crap. I was pissed. He lied to his girlfriend too. They quit talking because that guy wanted to be with his girlfriend and that ended. I think she was looking for emotional support.
I couldn't get in until the first week of November 2018 to an appointment. During this time, she and I were drinking more and more and fighting or arguing every once in a while but made up and such. One of my daughters in November 2018 had to go to the hospital for a week and it was a stressful time. My wife's best friend stayed the night right after we got back from the hospital with my daughter after drinking too much one night. I tried to do things with my wife not knowing she was there and my wife pretty much shut me down at like 5 in the morning. I went downstairs to get water and her friend woke up. I said morning to her and next thing you know we were making out. She gave me a bj and I was so shamed that I didn't go back up to our bedroom. I went to the basement to sleep the rest of the night and o get over my hangover as I drank a lot that night too but still not an excuse. I told her best friend the next day that it was a mistake. We shouldn't have done that. She asked why I felt so guilty. I was perplexed...I was like this is your best friend and my wife.
I started counseling but never told my counselor about what I did with her best friend in November 2018. My wife and I were up and down in December until one night we had an argument and I was so drunk that I don't recall that she tried to kill her self via car in the garage. She didn't follow through with it (supposedly my son heard us arguing and I thought she went to the neighbor's house to get away) He open the door to garage and asked mommy what she was doing. She turns car off and stops the suicidal thought.
In January 2019, her friend came over to our neighbor's house and we were drinking and playing pool. She ate some type of weed cookie as well. Next thing I know we were back at our house and a threesome took place between us. My wfie said she was surprised how easily I got into it with her best friend. But my wife wasn't upset, etc. Her best friend started sending pics of herself to me and my wife. My wife would send pics of her and me back to her.
Fast forward to a couple weeks later and the wife and her friend went out for the 3rd week in a row. They went to a Pampered Chef part and then went for drinks. It was right after our 17 years of being together. At midnight, I told her to be safe and don't stay out too late. At 1:37AM I looked and she had not been active on facebook for over an hour. She was always on phone. At 2AM, I tried calling her after 2 hours of inactivity. No answer from her or her friend. I knew where they were based on the snapchat last location of her best friend. The place closed at 2:30AM. I waited and then drove there to that location at about 2:50 and drove around the parking lot for 20 minutes. Never found the car. She was inactive for 3 hours. I was worried. Then at 3:16am I get a message saying they just left the very place I am at. I was angry. They were not there, I didn't see the car at all and I drove by every car in the lot. And the way they came home based on my wife's messages were not the way a normal person would have came home from that location.
Then the dreaded January 29th day came just after that weekend. The message of a sad face with "I love you". I then messaged her what that meant. She said she was lost but she loved me. We went upstairs and she told me she was just confused. I asked if there was a guy. She said there was no one else. I broke down and finally came clean of what I did with her best friend. She left that night to be with a friend. We talked a little the next day but then she would get upset and say she was done. She said she was going to a girlfriends house on saturday to sunday. She said the drinking and yelling and screaming is what is making her not want to do this anymore with me.
My next appointment with my counselor on the 6 of Feb, I told her everything that had happen. Then that next Saturday, my wife mentioned she had met a guy back in mid-January. It started out as friends but she said she loves him after just a few weeks. I am so lost. I am heartbroken. She met this guy before I even told her about the bj.
Her parents talked to her and said she would quit talking to the guy and her best friend which were both bad influences. This past weekend we went on a date. She got really drunk. I stopped drinking on the 29th as the 28th was my last drink. In the middle of our date, she was texting people. I looked and saw it was her best friend and the guy who she had met. I was hurt. She asked him to pick her up at the bar we were at watching live music. I am hurt.
She came back the next day and told me she was sorry. She don't remember much of everything that happen. She had mentioned that he can't get it up all the time but she is ok with that because of their emotional connection. She complains that I just wanted or want sex all the time. We don't have an emotional connection. She then said that her individual therapist (who she has only went to one time) said that she needs to take care of herself. She told me that she wants to stay with me and the kids, get her master's and try marriage counseling. She don't think it is repairable. I asked her about the guy. She said that she is going to keep talking to him (possible see him from time to time). I need to decide if I can deal with that. I told ehr divorce is an option, or working through our marriage through counseling but without the affair is another option. I told her keeping him is a nonstarter. But I have not made any decisions or ultimatums at this point.
I think she is going through a midlife crisis because the kids are older and more independent. She has a job that doesn't make a lot of money. She has a lot of the signs:
hanging out with a party animal that concerns her husband
rewriting the history of us through "I don't know if I was ever happy" or I married you because I didn't think I would find anyone better
more critical of me and impatience with me and the kids
less interested in emotional or sexual intimacy with me but still improving her looks and talking about other ways to look better
"it's time to put her first"
she keeps saying she is confused and doesn't know what she wants. The "I love you but I am not in love with you"
She is secretive on the phone.
I am trying how to proceed to fix our marriage. I love her and I know this is not really her. This guy she is with is not anything of what she is interested in a guy. She admits this as much. It is an escape. But I can't repair my marriage if she is talking to him but willing to do marriage counseling. The marriage counseling does not start until the end of March. I don't know what to do. I want to keep our marriage and family together. I could threaten divorce but that may push her away. I told her I won't make a decision on what I want to do until after a couple therapy appointments that are int he next couple weeks. So no ultimatum right now. We are talking and not arguing.
We spoke at great lengths yesterday. She even said that most couples would just go right to divorce. But we always are able to talk and be open. I have to admit that I shut down emotionally and did n't realize she was looking for talk the past couple months or years. I think we can reconcile but I don't know how I can compete with the "puppy love" stage with this guy she has only known for a couple weeks. She said she is in love but I know she really isn't. What do I do?!?!?!
