Don't let fear stop you from doing anything. Join the club and see how it goes. If you start dealing with a lot of injuries then you can always drop out later. I was a little worried about starting xfit because I had been having severe shoulder pain for years and have lower back issues as well. 2-1/2 years into xfit my shoulder pain is now completely gone and I have much better shoulder mobility and flexibility. My lower back issues are not completely gone but are definitely improved.
Exactly. Shouldn’t let fear stop me. It has in the past; though I think about the times when it hasn’t (and there have been plenty of those, too), and those were some of the best times where amazing things have happened.
I mentioned this in my post to LH, but I’ve asked for more specifics about the running club—I know when, but would like to know the where.
And you’re right—if running starts causing a succession of serious problems, then stop for a while. I’m not married to it!
I also talked about swimming or picking up marital arts again in the earlier post to LH, too. All of these are viable options, I feel.
Originally Posted by AnotherStander
I understand, I think we all go through withdrawals for a while. Here's the thing though, did you really have that much of it during the M? I had those same feelings but when I really thought about it, there wasn't a lot of that closeness in the later years of my M. Sure we had sex fairly often but attention? Affection? Physical touch? Outside of sex there was very little of that. I came to the conclusion that I only missed it because it had been removed from the menu. I knew it would be back some day, either with my ex in a new-and-improved R or with someone else. So I found a way to be content with waiting. I think I've said this before in your thread but I didn't fully detach until I learned to be happy alone. And I don't mean just lived to accept being alone, but actually got to the point of enjoying and embracing being alone. I don't have my son this week, so it's just me and the dog. I get home from work and I go to xfit and work out with my friends. I get home from that and fix dinner, then decompress by doing some clay sculpting while listening to music, or do a little house cleaning while watching a recorded show. When the weather gets warmer I'll tinker with my motorcycles or strip and reseal the tikis in back or clean up the yard. I have friends that stop by, and sometimes I'll swing by their places to see what they are doing. Honestly I'm not even sure I could fit a wife into all of this, I stay pretty busy. And I am really happy! I love it this way. I have a GF but she is just one part of the elaborate tapestry that is my life, not my whole life.
So my advice is try to quit focusing on what you don't have because that just elevates it to a level of importance that it shouldn't have. Instead, focus on what you do have, or on the things you want that are within your power to achieve.
I would say the last year or two there hasn’t been too too much in terms of attention / affection between W and I. Some of that is on me, I will admit. I’ve got to be honest, though—W being gone for work for overnights, or for a few days, a week or two, a month, or even 3 months (which has happened, and most likely will again), really does not help with sex / physical affection, tbh.
Because of doing NFP, we would have periodic abstinence, where we’d go without sex (prob. 10-14 days or so per month, depending). Couples who do NFP are encouraged to practice affection in other ways during the abstinent period—perhaps I didn’t do this as well as I could have, but I also didn’t want to get too close to her physically while she was ovulating because I would totally want her, and she would feel the same way. So I kept my distance to an extent.
I know you and / or others have mentioned this, and I just need to internalize this and move on, but I need to be content with waiting. I need to trust that all this (sex / affection / attention) will be back again some day—either in new-and-improved R with W, or with someone else IN TIME. And this is something that I will need to process and make my own, and that unto itself will take time (I can be a quick study, but for some things it takes me a long time to make them my own, which I’m sure has frustrated W, too). Though for me, the attention and affection with another woman in time will be relatively easy, and rather welcome if / when it happens—the issue would be sex with another woman if / when that happens.
As my sitch progresses and I see how all this plays out, I’m sure I will think long and hard about what I want from another woman if / when we D (LH mentioned in an earlier post about my using this time to really think about who I am and what I want going forward, and this will need to be part of it). My attitudes about sex are very religious-based (and I will admit that I have struggled with this and I’m sure this has contributed to my sitch in part, though I am coming around to the belief that a faithful Catholic can have a great sex life, it just requires a good amount of prayer, support, discernment and self-awareness, and that is what I want to strive for regardless of sitch with W); and for me going forward I’ll need to discern what sex and sexuality mean to me in the event that I find myself in another relationship down the line. Tbh, if W and I end up D’ing, I’d feel a whole lot better about sex with another woman if I can get this marriage annulled (once again, don’t know how likely that is, but I’d like to have hope). Paging through the discussions about dating after D, I’m not sure how encouraged I should feel about sex being relatively available if you want it and are available (I mean, unless I want to get laid, then I’m sure it’s rather easy), and how sex-soaked our culture and the dating world is. But all this is way way way down the line.
I really like what you wrote about your GF being part of the ‘elaborate tapestry’ that is your life, and is not your whole life. That sounds remarkably healthy, is beautifully phrased, and would be something that I’d like to strive for. Stop the codependency on my part. Find someone in time who will complement me; in the meantime, I need to make myself and my life so amazing (like I would tell my students ‘be your awesome, amazing selves’), that hopefully someone will want to ride along with me and share that journey.
What I do have that I need to focus on?
2 wonderful children who need their Daddy. A great, relatively stable job that I’m very good at, and that there are students who need me to be a good role model to them, to love and serve them, and that there are students who look up to me and adore me.
What would I like to achieve within my power?
Growing emotionally stronger (the forum has helped, even if I don’t always sound like it; and seeing the LMFT will hopefully help too); getting in better shape (like I said, I love how I look and I’m really proud of my body for the first time in a very long time—this weekend I hit my target weight of 175 lbs.); becoming more financially self-sufficient / stable (I know a potential D can really blow this up, but there are things I can do to put myself in somewhat better shape, and I can set goals for the future)
.....and the last thing I can think of right now that I can achieve within my power.....
Looking freaking amazing in my new, better-fitting dress shirts, starting tomorrow.
