Hey J - I remember when it went down for you. I remember it being rough. I think with the added time on my end, it's been slightly easier, but hey, I am still up and can't go to sleep lol. It was the first thing I saw in the morning when I woke up and so that was kinda crappy to start my day like that. Plus, I had just seen her the other day - the same day she met his kids and vice versa at some fast food joint. Plenty of opportunity to tell me in person, but didn't have the courage to do so.
I just remembered - in her text she said that she was in the beginning stages and this guy has potential and so she wanted to see how he would be around kids. That just screams poor judgment on her part, or she's lying about it being in the 'beginning' stages. Either option [censored]. It would be dumb to introduce the kids to someone in the 'beginning' stages of dating. I did tell her I was disappointed, but I got no apology, no nothing from her. Just another indication, on top of how this went down, that she is not emotionally healthy. Any time in the last year if I've genuinely messed up on things around communication about the kids or something that she should've had a heads up on, I've apologized and made sure that I exercise enough empathy. She f#$%s up on something we agreed on, and I get crickets from her when I actually bring it up.
She's got ways to go in improving her emotional and mental health, but not my concern as long as the kids are doing well. I did go a little loopy with my thoughts and emotions today and creating stupid scenarios where the kids would want to hang out with him more than me - one of my biggest fears is rejection coming from my abandonment issues and my kids rejecting me would take a huge toll on me. However, I know that this was just my fear and even if the kids want to hang out with him, it's not a reflection of me as a parent. I am pretty secure in the way I parent and spend time with my kids and the love I have for them. I also know they love me and I really have nothing to fear. It was kinda good to get that played out so that I could experience the feeling of rejection and realize that it has no real basis but my own emotional weaknesses that I am improving upon.
I did also play out her banging this guy in my head, and what made me feel sad and replaced was not the actual sex, but the intimacy and connection that I don't get to share. Which made me realize that I don't miss the sex with her, but I miss the intimacy of having a partner - someone you can hold close and snuggle up with. I am a big physical affection guy and so this stuff totally feeds into my LL. I miss sex in general, but not particularly with her.
I am going to go try and get some sleep. Writing this out is therapeutic and I feel already lighter in my head and heart.
