Whirlwind of Hurt 7

[Twofeet]

It's funny you all posted on my thread today. I have it off and XW doesn't so she dropped the kids off this morning. When she left D8 needed to call up XW quickly. XW needed to speak with me after. At the end of the conversation I swear I heard XW say ILY to me. Maybe it was a freudian slip, I don't know maybe it was old habits. Anyway she called again after lunch and asked if she could come over and give the kids some gifts she bought. Lol, she also was complaining to me about money (if she would only cutback her spending )and said she wasn't going to get any raises for at least a year and wanted to know if I would tell her my compensation if it grows. I told her my goal is to be a true financial 50/50 with her and I don't like taking her CS money.
Anyway she stayed for about 15 minutes before heading back to work.

Speaking of her a little more, she has been occasionally sucking at being a parent. D8 had a fever last week and XW called at 23:30 at night and tried to get me to take her. I told her no, I could do a half day but not a full as I was already taking a day off to be with the kids that week and save money on childcare as it was a teacher in service that day. I had 6 days of work I had to compress into 4 including an interview for the news that day. She started throwing a tiff so I just called her out on her behavior. I just don't validate bad behavior from her anymore. I used to validate to de-escalate, but now I have too much respect for myself to put up with that. Anyway the next day she left D8 home alone with a fever for the morning while she dropped off D5 and S3 at school and ran errands. I found out from D8 about this and had to get after XW as this was not acceptable.

So anyway XW runs hot and cold. Likes to call the 5 of us a family or her family, wants to keep it in the family, don't share info outside of our 5 member family.... She is very nice or can blow up over one wrong word. Yeah she is still a bit nutty, and due to the age of the kids we have to interact a h3ll of a lot more than I ever thought we would. She never talks about our R thank the lord. Just kids and finances.

I pretty much have taken over as the primary parent. I deal with the school, scheduling, appointments, extracurriculars, etc. Xw does play dates and bday parties and that's about it, but that works for me. Kids need structure, discipline, and at least one stable parent. I continue to be that rock.

A week or two ago I caught the kids playing divorce. A very caustic divorce were D8 was the judge and S3 was the abusive H and the kids were going to be taken away and S3 had to move out of state. There was some other stuff because then D8 said child services were going to take the kids from D5. It was getting grim both from D8 and D5. I panicked and reached out to XW to which she laughed at me. XW was useless, so I stopped the kids explained the wrongs of the sitch and scheduled some counseling for them. Outside of that they have been doing well other than S3 never wants to go to XW house or be with her which makes things difficult for XW.

This new normal feels weird and I often feel like I am the twilight zone.

I am putting on weight. Up to 177 lbs, but still leaning out while making weightlifting gains. I need go down another waste size again, but the next size down feels too tight in the quads and thighs. This has happened in the past when I hit the weights seriously. I tend to put a lot of muscle on in my legs. I have my deadlift in the 300s. It will be a bit, but I will get it in the 400s again. Been doing hot yoga for a month or month and a half, and I love it. It improves my flexibility, my weightlifting, my PMA. I recommend it for anyone BD thru post-D. So I lift 3 days a week, do hot yoga 2 to 3 days a week depending on kid schedule, and night ski once a week. Season has ended up having some great snow this year.

Work is picking up and going well. Lots of work this season, but all very exciting. Due to the nature of my job and my participation in my local industry I am able to tie a lot of GAL in through work related connections and functions. Next couple of weeks are pretty packed with things I am attending. I have loose trip planned for late April to visit a buddy in L.A. I want to plan a little 3 or 4 day vacation for me and the kids this summer, but I haven't decided what to do yet. I have some solo hiking trips planned for this summer, I would like to add a lady companion to these hikes if the time is right.

Yes, I am probably not there yet to start dating women, but the temptation is very real. I sometimes wonder if I give off a vibe that women pick up on because I am seeing the interest. I think when married I had a H mindset and just shut my brain off to women as women. I am at the point where I am ready to move on, but haven't moved on. I still have moments of grief, but they are few and far between. If XW tried to comeback tomorrow the answer would be no. It hurts to think that, but I could never consider another attempt unless she matured and worked on herself. At that point it would only be a maybe.

This whole process has helped me connect to my emotions and express them much better. I think I have made self improvements by the leaps and bounds. I have an IC appointment this week to do a check in. I know IC says where I am now compared to the first week of BD is light years ahead.