The bomb woke me up, but she still won't talk

[sandi2]

I know I am behind, so I may touch on things that have already been discussed.

Now I'm back in the MBR we have been going to bed early together and watching tv, she has been very slowly moving closer to me, culminating in her initiating sex the other night.

This has happened exactly 300 days since BD but still with no R talk. I'm sure her EA is over and it seems that she has stopped all disrespectful and rebellious behavior. I know she still has a lot of internal work to do regarding her resentment towards me but this is definitely going in the right direction.

You know, Lusa, when we say no R talk, we don't mean to imply that you are to NEVER speak of the relationship again. We stress "no R talk" so much, I guess people think it is off the table even if they are trying to reconcile. However, I think your problem here is that you don't know where the MR stands. Like some other board members, you are stuck in limbo b/c you don't feel like it is really a reconciliation, but you are in the MBR and having sex.....and she's being nicer.

If you have waited on your W to bring up the things you feel need to be discussed.......she may NEVER go there. Why? B/c most WW's don't desire to talk about their betraying, lying, deceitful, sneaky, unfaithful, backstabbing, selfish, disrespectful, rebellious, resentful.........(do I need to go on?)..........wayward behavior. She doesn't have a problem talking about how you made mistakes in the past, but she doesn't want to have her's pointed out. I'm just saying that after nearly a year, and you moved successfully into the MBR.........and having sex.........don't you feel there has been some point in time that the elephant in the room should have been addressed? Maybe I haven't read far enough yet, so have you told her what you would need in order to really reconcile? If not, then IMHO, it's as if you are hanging suspended between heaven and hell. IDK......it's just me wondering if that is okay with you. I was asked to give my thoughts on another similar sitch, and afterwards, I have decided that person had rather keep things suspended rather than follow the suggestions given. I also saw someone who was set in their ways for many years, and just between us......I felt like that was the problem for not following the advice. Anyway......I don't want to see this MR stay in the condition until both people are too set in their ways to change.

Another reason I believe it is important to know where the relationships stands at the point, is so you will know whether or not to continue following the 37 rules. Once the couple reconciles and is piecing the M back together, the 37 rules are put aside. I have a thread (with BluWave contributing) to those things to follow during Piecing. But currently, you can't really define your MR as in Piecing, can you? Has your WW told you she no longer wants to end the M, or get a D or whatever she may have originally said?

No wonder my WW doesn't want to talk or consider R, preferring to just rug-sweep and pretend.
It is because she is still deeply in love with OM, and unfortunately as this is her ex H, with shared history I don't think she's ever going to get over it.

She writes notes before talking to him, I've seen a few before and posted them here. Unfortunately I snooped yesterday and found another note, they are always around cutting off contact, and this is in response to cutting off contact.

This is not just another man. it's her XH. Do they have children together? You have children with her, and she's willing to wait till they leave home to reunite with her XH? That's not love, that's a fantasy! If she went back to him, she'd want you as her OM.

I have been thinking about this for a long time and so finally said that I can't make decisions on these sort of things when we haven't discussed reconciling and she hasn't committed to doing what she can to make things work.
She responded with something along the lines of we are getting on much better so I reiterated that the verbal commitment from her and our joint decision to R will have to come before any other discussions on our future. She made it clear she understood so I am really pleased I finally got this point said after all this time.

Great! But you can't leave it there. Has she made a verbal commitment? If so, hold her to it by requiring that both of you attend therapy for couples dealing with emotional affair with previous spouses. I mean, I'm sure other things will be addressed, but XH is the ELEPHANT.

I've been re-reading Sandi's threads and I am seeing that she would be happy to slide under the door, rug sweep and pick up from where we left off. I'm so pleased I have become aware enough to not let this happen. I require commitment and honesty from my wife and I'm not ashamed to hold out for both or eventually choose to D if they are not forthcoming.

I'm so happy those threads have helped you. I do want to look back at list you made.

I'm aware of the huge amount of work we both need to do for a successful R and currently doubtful that she will ever make it through this long list.

Continue NC with OM - Absolutely, but there needs to be a "how-to plan"......like transparency.
Initiate R Talk - I addressed this earlier in the post. You may go the rest of your life, if you wait for her to address the elephant in the room. You've been living a lie, b/c you have not addressed her affair and have allowed her to rug sweep.
Want/Agree to R - I thought you said she had committed? Either she is in or out.....can't have it both ways.
Attend MC (for the right reasons) - That is a requirement you should make to staying in the MR.
Tell the truth about her EA - I don't think she will, without either the MC forcing the issue or you reveal you know the truth.
Feel true remorse - That is her inner work. You can require an apology from her. You can require her to show respect. You cannot require that she has particular feelings. It's kind of like inner spiritual work she has to do.
Lose her resentment - You can require that she not demonstrate resentment in how she talks/actions/attitude, which follows alongside of showing respect. You can't require her not to feel resentment. Again, those are feelings that she will need to work out. Hopefully, MC can help with it.
Send permanent end message to OM - That should have already been a requirement issued by you. Has your knowledge of her EA always been a secret?
Offer a transparency plan - Well, I would say "require" it. She has to be accountable, make atonement....if you will. It's not right for her to just expect you to trust her when she has proven she is untrustworthy.

So actually, most of this is work she will have to do. Your part is enforcing those things that aren't considered as her feelings. This is your life. You have a say about it. Why would keep closed lip about her cheating and her pretending everything was simply honky-dory? She blamed everything on YOU. Isn't that why you were left......b/c you were under the assumption you were the problem? To this day, you have not opened your mouth about the real issue....which was her EA? I'm not suggesting you did not have things to change about yourself, but the TRUTH behind the split, was b/c of her emotional connection to her XH. I'm telling you as a former WW, if you wait around for her to voluntarily confess it was not you, but rather b/c she was having an EA with her XH, you may never see the day.
The WW will blame the H as long as she can get away with it. So far, you are the reason she's getting away with it.

Those are my thoughts, FWIW. If you decide to address the EA, I'm sure the board can help you put together a plan.