Uncertain of What I Have (Thread 6)

[Bo562]

If I were you, I would just propose a reasonable option of WW moving out (since she is the one who wants out) and then establishing a 50/50 parenting schedule once she is settled. That is what most people do when both parents want equal involvement. The court ordered eviction is a non-issue, I think. I just have not heard of that before unless the spouse is abusive and there is a restraining order. I'm not a lawyer but it would seem to me that if that is a viable option, more people would do it. I think the important thing for you is to not get caught up in your w's timeline. It is not a legal timeline...it is just hers. I would just ignore the threats if I were you but make sure you write them down so your lawyer is fully aware of what she is saying. Sorry you are having to deal with this Bo. (((HUGS)))

Thanks, DV (((HUGS)))

I’ve asked her to move out if she is so bent on leaving, but she doesn’t want to ‘abandon’ the kids. I’d say asking that plus a 50-50 parenting schedule might be the way to go.

I like the idea of not getting caught up in W’s timeline—don’t get caught up in the W bubble, I’ve seen here. Hard not to ignore the threats, though—but I’ve been documenting as much as I can.

Bo, I see your options as follows:

3) You stay and tell her if she really wants out that bad then she needs to make arrangements herself, that you are against breaking up the M but if that is her choice you will not try to stop her.

I think 3 is really the only option you're interested in, correct? If so then prepare for her to threaten to steal the kids again. If she does then you might disclose you have a lawyer and have discussed your parental rights with him and that he has informed you that she has no right to take the kids without your permission and if she attempts to you WILL take swift legal action. I think it may be time to let her know you're not messing around here. Edit to add- I would also stress you're not accepting anything less than 50-50 custody, I think you said you were OK with that? Put her on notice that you'll fight if she proposes anything less.

Already tried #3, but it’s the only option I’m into. If this goes through, then yes, 50-50 custody would be the plan for me (at minimum—I’ll explain more below).

I also like the idea of leveling with her, and that I’m not messing around here. She’s bringing the fight to me, so might as well prove to her that I’m serious (not that I haven’t been already).

It sounds like you don't want to move out and don't want to bird-nest, so I wouldn't agree to either. Absent some bad extenuating circumstances you are probably entitled to 50/50 custody (hopefully your L has weighed in on this already) so agree to nothing less. Get what you want out of a bad sitch. Once I met with my L (very early after BD) and ran through all the scenarios that might occur and learned my rights and what a judge would probably do, I was ready for anything W would throw at me. The result is that despite being a soon-to-be LBS, I am negotiating from a position of strength. W cannot get me out of the house before D is final. She can't even get me out of the MBR. I am almost certainly going to get 50/50 custody. She is going to have to get her parents to write me a huge check to buy me out of the house and furniture when the end comes. All of this makes me feel good in the midst of a bad sitch.

If your W wants to S or D, you can't stop her, but you can control the some of the terms based on your legal rights. Her desires do not transcend your rights. Right now it seems like your immediate issues at hand can be summed up in two sentences - "I am not moving out. Nothing less than 50/50 custody is acceptable."

Thanks, Gekko. L has weighed in previously—50-50 is the starting point, and the judges here (according to her) are rather sympathetic to a father’s rights, which is nice for me.

During our initial consultation, I told L how much W travels for work (and W will be doing so in Sept. for a training for a promotion—3 months in DC / VA, and she has various things coming up over the next couple of months at least), and L told me that with W traveling, a case could be made that I could be the primary parent, especially because of how much I’ve taken on in the past for OS while W was away.

It’s interesting you mention ‘negotiating from strength.’ Obviously, this is key no matter what in life. What’s funny to me is that a couple of weeks ago when W made her last round of threats, W told me during that conversation that “you have all the power.” W had a drink in her hand during that conversation (probably not a smart idea but whatever not gonna tell her), so I’m wondering if it’s a case of “drunken words are sober thoughts.” A comment like that makes me think if she acknowledges that that is really the case—that I have way more power in this sitch, and she’s grasping at straws with her threats.

I also believe that W has a rather poor understanding of community property laws (or is just BSing me with feigned ignorance)—that all assets and debts acquired during the marriage are split evenly. Including credit cards, and her federal employee pension and retirement. While she may not be writing me a check like your STBXW will, I think she could be in for an awakening in the event we get that far.

Thanks everyone! Will see what LMFT has to say later this afternoon.