Sandi's Reflections - Part 3

[sandi2]

The devil is in the details. ............. I don't think she (the WW) is serious yet.

Copied from Lost8's thread:

Posted by Lost8
Realizing that I am in the exact sitch that Sandi describes I wanted another confirmation...I know wrong thing to do. Friday I was able to confirm she was with OM. I called her out an told her everything she had been saying to me was a lie and I was moving out. NC yesterday and she had a gf call me crying saying should would do anything, what would it take? I said nothing I was done, I want space and peace for our family. Her requests were desperation obviously because I will not engage with her at all. She pleaded through her gf and said she would do anything which turned into agreeing to sign an agreement. Then a short time later turned to aggression via text.

This morning she said she didn't want to live like this and wanted to discuss. She started by saying that no one will ever come between us which of course I said it already did. She again said she would do anything. I just don't know if I care to be with her ever again...in ANY capacity. All I said is it best that we need space from each other. Again she started out very upset then said let me see the agreement which I laid out what she would have to pony up for me to leave and she said she couldn't afford even though I padded the numbers in her favor.

I walked away and then she started spouting off about when I was leaving, told her I couldn't without her contributing to household bills unless I stop paying mortgage. I refused to engage in any hostility and did not answer any of her banter.

Not sure what I want still but do I approach at this point and since she offered to do anything tell I need the passwords, access to bank and cc statements, Full disclosure at all times? Should I see if this is the point were she felt maybe she lost control of me finally? Even if she did all this still not sure if I would even take her back, but do I see if she is willing at this point?

Like Sandi said...what kind of work is she doing...do I put her to the test?

This is the copy of my response to Lost on his thread:

First of all, I have to agree with Neffer that your WW is not "there" just yet. I think you need to make her work harder to get you back. If you make it too easy, she won't stick to transparency or anything else.

I don't like the fact she had a GF calling on her behalf. What you and WW have to say needs to be just between the two of you (and later a MC), not friends or family. I know why she used the GF, but it's no good. It's a tactic women use. The GF was to pave the way and soften you. Was the GF crying, or your WW? Did GF tell you WW was crying?

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I said nothing I was done, I want space and peace for our family

Good!

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She pleaded through her gf and said she would do anything which turned into agreeing to sign an agreement. Then a short time later turned to aggression via text.

Well let me tell you about this aggression, okay? I assume you mean she turned aggressive. This is the rebellious side that wants to keep her in charge of how things will be called. She doesn't want you calling the shots and requiring her to do anything she doesn't want to do. In other words, she is not being genuine about "doing anything" to save the M. She has to overcome her stubborn pride and rebellious spirit, if she expects to keep this M. She thought she would get her GF to intervene on her behalf and squeeze out some tears and you'd be good to go. smirk

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Again she started out very upset then said let me see the agreement which I laid out what she would have to pony up for me to leave and she said she couldn't afford even though I padded the numbers in her favor.

Thus her phony attempts to patch up the MR! ^^^^^^^^^^

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I refused to engage in any hostility and did not answer any of her banter.

Good!

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Not sure what I want still but do I approach at this point and since she offered to do anything tell I need the passwords, access to bank and cc statements, Full disclosure at all times? Should I see if this is the point were she felt maybe she lost control of me finally? Even if she did all this still not sure if I would even take her back, but do I see if she is willing at this point?

I think you need to hold the line until you see some of her anger and aggression dissipate. She believes she has control of this situation and has no intention of succumbing to your terms. I suggest you tell her you need space & time away from her b/c you have a lot of decisions to make about your future. Tell her not to be texting, b/c you don't won't be answering......and not to get any of her friends to intervene for her. This will definitely put her focus on wondering what you will do. Let her squirm. Let her get mad. So what? She will probably contact OM out of desperation, but what else is knew? If she thinks she's lost her Plan B, she's going to start sweating.......which is good. She needs to worry that she's really lost you!

So, rather than hand her a list of requirements right off the bat, I think I would simply tell her (if she continues to pursue you) that you will need to be convinced things are truly over with her & any third party. If she starts swearing on someone's life or grave.......inform her that unfortunately her word is currently worth very little. If she persists in wanting to save the M or ask what can she do to prove to you........then you can bring up the passwords, transparency, etc.

Neffer may have something to add to this.

This is a very critical time, and it's the point that many LBH's don't pull back hard enough b/c they are too eager to save the M and afraid the WW won't pursue. If you are not certain you want to try it again, then take all the time you need.