He's afraid of becoming like his father and H has a history of not only confiding in women and having an A, but also considerable background on websites involving live chat with performers and a daily porn habit that has become almost ritual. He once thought the porn was a problem but doesn't now and thinks it is the least of his problems.
Sounds to me like it's a huge problem. I don't have an issue with people watching porn as part of a healthy relationship but in his case it's part of a pattern of sex addiction that is affecting his ability to have a normal relationship, or to even understand what a normal relationship is. He's ALREADY like his father, maybe even worse. But like any addict he doesn't see how far gone he is.
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Yes, but he has also said that I exhibit controlling behaviors too, so now I'm not sure which came first, the chicken or the egg. I never considered myself THAT controlling, but these days I'm not sure what's true when I look thru the lens of his perspective
Granted I am only reading your side of the story, but you don't sound controlling to me. On the contrary you have been very accommodating to him but it hasn't gotten you anywhere so you are now trying to protect yourself. That is NOT being controlling. BE VERY CAREFUL WITH HIM because controlling people are very good at manipulating their victims into thinking that they are at fault.
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I am struggling with what to do when the detaching starts working...although, I'll say that he has a tendency, if I'm not wildly impressed by his trips to the counselor, his cute pictures with our daughter, or I'm not quick to answer his messages/calls...he gets really bent out of shape and this makes me uncomfortable so maybe it's more of a guilt trip than an actual turnaround.
That's exactly right. He has a long, long way to go before he actually hits rock bottom and starts addressing his issues, if that ever even happens. Until then you've got to keep detaching and giving him time and space. You are doing it for YOU.
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Honestly, how is it that I have this innate ability to pretend everything is fine when he's being nice to me? Like what's happening literally isn't happening...
...this isn't healthy...do other people have relationships like this?
Yes and just like you they struggle getting out of the grasp of the person manipulating them. Usually it takes a few months before they start to realize just how much they were being abused/ manipulated.
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I honestly thought things were normal for so long
It's not normal, hopefully we are helping you to realize that.
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I am afraid...
Of course you are, we have all been through that phase, it's part of it and it is normal.
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If I'm honest, I don't want to be in a romantic relationship with him at all right now. With him at his parents house it's so easy not to think about him in a romantic way...and with the finances starting to get square, my daily routines keeping me stable and productive, and incredibly civil interactions with H...I'm afraid to rock the boat with dramatic declarations right now.
Can you specify what you mean by "dramatic declarations"? I don't think we're suggesting you do anything other than what you are already doing. Stay separated. Continue to work on your daily routine, finances, etc. just like you described. Leave him alone. Don't let him pull you in. Keep convos strictly business-like and VERY brief.
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I had it in my head yesterday that I would confront him...if he couldn't bring himself to stop the extramarital affairs (which are clearly obvious in black and white) then I would be filing for a divorce...then I reduced it to a legal separation when I thought about the cost of divorce...and when I thought about discussing visitation and how formal all the arrangements would be and what a disruption it would be to the groove we've finally gotten into, I choked.
There's no hurry, just take a deep breath and continue doing what you're doing. Formal S and D can wait.
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How long do I hang out in limbo, and would it be considered using him for his money if I lie in wait for my savings to build but keep the peace the way things are?
