Really appreciate the advice. I think I realized today that I've been making changes in the hopes that she would return. After talking with her today, I realize that right now nothing I do matters to her so I need to focus on making the changes for me and my future with or without her. I have definitely been making strides on my 180s. These included spending more quality time with my boys and getting help with my anger.
I felt recently I had been doing a good job being detached. I wasn't letting the things she said or did bother me. I think the reason I reacted so poorly today was the fact that I was blind sided by the settlement agreement and her hiring an attorney. We hadn't discussed this at all until today.
The last month or so I had been feeling ok with where things are. Part of that, I think, comes from my holding onto hope that we might one day reconcile. This had been the cycle for me since BD, I feel like I'm moving forward, but then I get this twinge of hope that things are getting better. Then W crushes those hopes by saying there's no chance for us or she blind sides with the settlement agreement. I feel like once we sign that agreement it's over and there's no coming back. I know at this point I need to accept that I've been fired as H, but it's hard. Maybe signing the agreement will be the kick in the a$$ I need to become fully detached.
I know I deserve better than what I'm getting right now from W. I'm already seeing positive results from my 180s and my GAL and attempting the become a man only a fool would leave. I'm going to a great partner for whomever I'm with he it my W or someone else. I'm trying to get closer to acceptance that it may never be my W.
