Why do I feel compelled to look at our phone records? It just makes me anxious! You all know I went on a cruise last weekend with a girlfriend. Well, phone records show that today H spent 1 hour on the phone with the same cruise line! Who is HE going with? I find it hard to believe he is NOT going with a woman. Ugh. Why do I do this to myself????
Its the same as getting a PI. What will I do with the information? Say, "see, gotcha?". No, I will say nothing, of course. But it makes me soooo anxious.
Had such a nice day. And now am suppose to get ready for going out. I've got to regroup, and start having more self-control. Ugh!
It is human nature to want to know what is going on. Your h may have called the cruise lines, out of curiosity, to see what it cost or where you might have gone. It may be nothing more than him being curious about the trip. If he is planning one, he probably needed info about the destinations, number of days, and costs. For all we know, he could have been on hold for a while before someone actually spoke to him.
Retaining a PI is expensive, but you could very well get some answers to your questions...but the bottom line would be....would you feel better knowing exactly what he is doing or would you be better off moving forward and leaving things along?
For me, retaining a PI answered all of my questions and I was able to move forward and I did not inform my xh about his stupidity in inviting the PI in for a sandwich and a beer and just talking to him about the previous tenant. I will say this, my xh was a very neat, orderly person pre crisis, but became a piggy in a sty once the crisis kicked in. The conversation that he had w/the PI checked all the boxes that he was definitely out to lunch.
No matter what you do, you can't change the course that he is on. You can only control the course that you are on and you will need to find a way to ease your anxiety. One way is to make sure your accounts are watched closely. Do a credit report to ensure that there are no "new" loans or credit cards that you weren't aware of.
Continue to come here to vent. Grace, I think you are doing well. You are just having a few moments of anxiety whenever he does something. Take a deep breath and know that you are right where you need to be at this time.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
The temptation to try to see inside your spouse’s mind, to figure out what they are feeling, is powerful. Snooping will not bring you the answers you seek. Nor will talking to him, nor just about anything else. If he ever speaks, just listen carefully, he will drop clues of his state of mind, some subtle, some not. And even these take with a big grain of salt.
Relax about his phone call. You are jumping to conclusions. If he is taking a cruise and going with someone, you knowing about it or not, will not change what he is doing.
You knowing about it changed you though. So let it go, regroup, and find that inner strength and self control that I know you have. You are stronger than you think.
Being anxious, or soooo anxious, is a good indication of living or have a lot of concern for the future. Anxiousness is usually driven by fear, totally understandable in our cases.
As a contrast, your cruise was a good thing, before you went you were looking towards it and not fearful, so there was elation not anxiousness.
The more you dig into his actions, the more stuff you will have to work through. If you are like me, you don’t need a bigger pile. See what you’re fearful of and work on letting it go.
Like I said, don’t beat yourself up.
Now, get ready and have a great night out.
DnJ
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
Had a wonderful evening last night! I dressed to the 9s, and felt great. Thoughts of H only reared it’s ugly head a few times, but they were easily smothered.
I’ve been thinking about what made me so anxious about the thought of H planning a trip with someone. Certainly must be a woman, as he doesn’t have any male friends that I know of, and he wouldn’t go on a trip with them anyway. We’ve been separated for 5 months now, and he has a history of seeking the company of other women. So it’s reasonable to assume he is still seeking the company of other women. So why did that hit me so hard?
Maybe I’m trying to face the potential finality of my M. Ouch. That’s the ultimate rejection, isn’t it?
Maybe I’m jealous that he has company of the opposite sex, which I DO miss. I miss my spoons at night, and I miss feeling desired. (Although one of our companions last night thought I was quite hot!).
Maybe it forces the resurfacing of those feelings when I found out about his OW and internet activity.
Maybe the reason doesn’t really matter. It’s just another emotion that we need to work through, to get to the light on the other side.
I will see H today as he is helping me move some furniture. It will be a brief visit, but I always face these visits with a bit of trepidation.
Time for bible study, then church. I pray God’s word speaks to me today to help me get back on His path for me.
Dressed to the 9s and had a wonderful time. Perfect!
Looking within to see why you are feeling anxious is a good thing. Separate the feeling from the reason, otherwise your in the emotional car and reason and logic are quite muted.
Originally Posted by Grace21
I’ve been thinking about what made me so anxious about the thought of H planning a trip with someone. Certainly must be a woman, as he doesn’t have any male friends that I know of, and he wouldn’t go on a trip with them anyway. We’ve been separated for 5 months now, and he has a history of seeking the company of other women. So it’s reasonable to assume he is still seeking the company of other women. So why did that hit me so hard?
Some tips from a caring friend.
Certainly must be a women? Really? Why can’t he go on his own. He has no male freinds? He wouldn’t go with them anyhow?
Considering possibilities can be helpful. Others may give different suggestions or even better in this regard; however I believe in possibilities and explore them. Remember to keep them as possibilities! Not certainties!
He might be with a women, or a male friends, or by himself, or he was just getting information, or trying to get information about your trip, or costs of trips, or and or and or.
If you want to consider possibilities - look at all. There are many and it will help dilute the untasteful and horrible ones that your mind will gravitate towards. Most often it is not as bad as we imagine.
They are all equally possible, some are more probable. You currently are basing probability on his past behaviour. His history of seeking the company of other women. Grace, he is a different person right now. He is opposite of what you know, or the person you expect. This oppositeness is not all the time, you will not know who to expect when you interact with him. He doesn’t even know who he is right now. He is looking, searching, and running from what he finds.
Originally Posted by Grace21
So why does that hit me so hard?
(((Grace)))
Because you are a strong, caring, loving, and empathic soul.
Detachment, indifference, letting go of fear, etc... will bring much peace. You have the predisposition to find compassion, forgiveness, and understanding, you just have to walk the path.
Originally Posted by Grace21
But I think it’s time to start thinking a bit about why I was (am still?) wanting to stay with a liar and a cheater. Why was I so frantic and desperate then? I thought, and everyone tells me, I’m a sensible, grounded, smart, strong woman, but they also tell me I’m kind and empathetic. I think it’s this last bit that overshadowed MY needs, wants, and desires for so much of my marriage. I think I need to put some more thought into this, so that no matter what happens, I will never feel that desperation with H or anyone else again.
Desperation is driven by fear. God knows how desperate I was when all my life fell apart.
I am reasssembled, I am whole, and I am at peace. I found it is not that I will never feel desperate or passionate with anyone ever again. No my heart remains quite soft and squishy. It is the knowledge that comes from living through this - I will be alright. I have survived this and would not be destroyed if something like this were to happen again. I can and will risk my heart and life again.
Originally Posted by Grace21
Maybe the reason doesn’t really matter. It’s just another emotion that we need to work through, to get to the light on the other side.
It is just an other emotion to let flit away. That is the only way to find the reason.
The reason(s) absolutely matter - it just that you are not in the place for them yet. Be patient and keep moving forward. Those reasons and answers will come. When you are calm they will present themselves - honest. It just takes some time.
And Grace the light, your light, isn’t on the other side, it is already within you, and shining. Maybe you don’t see it yet, but I certaintly do.
DnJ
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
DnJ - Thanks for your thoughtful reply. It makes a lot of sense, and it's the perspective that one doesn't consider when thoughts are irrational, which mine were yesterday. I'm in a better place.
H was just here for a few minutes to help me move some furniture to get ready to have some furniture moved out of his office back to the house. I asked how he was doing, and he seemed detached and sad. I asked him if he still felt depressed (perhaps I shouldn't, but he did mention it to me on several occasions), and he said who wouldn't be living in "basically a hovel for four months and you have this" (referring to the house). He's mentioned that before too. I want to say "you could to", but I let it alone, and just listened. He said "you seem to be doing well", and I said yes I was. I was pleased he told me he was going to visit the kids next week. They apparently asked him to. He asked "how was your cruise?" I told him it was terrific and just what I needed.
So, it was an easy enough exchange. I don't anticipate seeing him for a while. I will go quiet on the texting too, and only when necessary (which has been the norm for a while, now).
Originally Posted by Grace21
I’ve been thinking about what made me so anxious about the thought of H planning a trip with someone. Certainly must be a woman, as he doesn’t have any male friends that I know of, and he wouldn’t go on a trip with them anyway. We’ve been separated for 5 months now, and he has a history of seeking the company of other women. So it’s reasonable to assume he is still seeking the company of other women. So why did that hit me so hard?
I can see now how irrational this is!
Originally Posted by DnJ
If you want to consider possibilities - look at all. There are many and it will help dilute the untasteful and horrible ones that your mind will gravitate towards. Most often it is not as bad as we imagine.
Well, the anxiousness has waned considerably, in large part to your response, DnJ. Thank you.
Originally Posted by DnJ
And Grace the light, your light, isn’t on the other side, it is already within you, and shining. Maybe you don’t see it yet, but I certainly do.
This is the perfect reminder for today. Thank you. Our happiness is always within, and in our control, isn't it? I just misplace it once in a while, but I'm thankful I can get back on track. This is what I pray for for my H also.
P.S. I have just been invited to a casual dinner tonight. I started with no plans for the weekend on Thursday, and it ended up packed.
So something came in the mail today that made me think H has hooked back up again with his OW. I thought it over for a while, and decided to ask. So I texted him….. M: Can you talk for a few minutes. H: About what? M: I want to know if you are seeing xxxx again. H: Why? M: Just answer the question please. (I’m already pretty sure by this point because of the avoidance) H: You haven’t cared about what I’ve been doing for 6 months remember you asked me to leave. M. Just answer the question please and that is not true what you just said. I think we need to meet. H: Yes it’s true. She actually actually cares what’s been happening to me. H: Whatever it is you got to say you can say it here
I couldn’t leave it alone. Could I? So I called him. He answered very snappish “WHAT!” And it went downhill from there. He accused me of not caring one bit about him over these past 6 months. He was living in terrible conditions, his shoulder injury, you haven’t asked about my procedure, and on and on. He accused me of throwing him out. “SHE actually cares about me.” (just writing that wants to make me vomit). I told him I’ve done nothing but care (love) him for 30 years. And that hasn’t changed. He started to rehash old stuff. He chooses to wallow in what was, and not try to find a better future. I got drawn in though. Raised my voice. He did too. I found myself defending myself. Ugh. And I HATE it! I did nothing wrong! I tried to remind him that I didn’t throw him out. We agreed it was best. I told him for 30 years I never stopped loving him, and still today want reconciliation.
He brought up many times that I am obviously doing much better without him because I seem so content and happy. He commented on how great the house looks all the time, my “trips” (one cruise with a friend), how he had to learn everything……shop, cook, budget, laundry. How he’s no good to me or anyone.
He said SHE is pushing for more (she still lives with her H, BTW), but he’s resisted. I asked what do you mean, more? He said she wants to BUY a place together, and told him it was wasteful to rent month to month and having to always move. THAT pissed me off. We have joint accounts.
I asked why he hasn’t filed for D yet. And why he’s resisting more with HER. He said because he remembers all the good things about US.
I asked him why he thinks he can’t share his thoughts with me. He launched into the same thing he always does “We’ve never had that deep communication. You didn’t seem to care for me as a man and didn’t seem to care if I was around or not”.
I don’t even remember my full response, but I did say that we were way, way beyond “we didn’t have that kind of communication” .
There was more (40 minutes on the phone).
I hate myself for being drawn in. I hate myself for feeling I had to defend myself. I’m mad at myself for bring the kids into this, telling him if he moves in with her I’m answering all of the kids questions about it honestly. I’m mad at him for being so weak. I’m mad that his soul is sick. I’m mad that he refuses to get help, and just seems to want to stay miserable. I’m mad he’s with that skank again.
I finished the phone call telling him he still has a lot of soul searching to do, and if he thought a life with HER was what he wanted, I wouldn’t stand in his way. And, that I am not reaching out to him. I will wait for him do do it if that’s what he chooses to do.
Sigh. I don’t usually drink martini’s during the week. But tonight seems to be the night to break that rule.
P.S. I just typed this out, and didn’t really re-read it. So sorry if it’s a bit jumbled.
(((Grace))). Don’t beat yourself up Grace. You are only human. The rewriting of history is amazing isn’t it? My H actually said something similar to me that I kicked him out. WTF!?!? Our H’s made it impossible to do anything else. I asked my H to leave because he was sitting on our bed with a pathetic look on his face saying that he clearly wanted to go but was too scared to actually say the words. I told him to go to put him, and me, out of the misery of having to sit there any longer. Do NOT buy into your H’s crap. He sounds like a big man child trying to hold you responsible for his choices. Do not pick up what he is throwing down. Do NOT!!!! That’s an order!!!
BTW... I don’t think you blew it at all. I really don’t. You gave him some things to think about. You learned that he hasn’t filed because he isn’t sure and he is resisting her because he maybe, just maybe, has an inkling it isn’t all about you. Space and time has allowed him to remember the good things about the two of you. That’s a good thing. Next talk, you should focus on listening and validating. I KNOW it is hard not to defend yourself when he says things that are just NOT how you remember it. Trust me, I know. Been there, done that. Talks are over. Only a matter of time before my SA is signed and my H files for D in May. I am hoping for a different outcome for you... if it is truly what you want.
Anyway...keep it to just ONE martini, okay? I, myself, would prefer to have some ice cream.
Sometimes things just build up and need to come out. Don’t beat yourself over this. It is ok.
So, what’s done is done. Let’s look at the positive side of this. It sounds like you got a bunch of stuff of your chest, and maybe out of your mind. You told him how you feel regarding reconciliation. How you still love him and care about him.
You see where he is at, the confusion, the justification, the manipulation, the poor is me, the drawing you in. And you have some answers.
You are mad, which is a good thing. This is an aggravating situation to be in, of course you can be mad. Working that anger out is more healthy than holding it in.
Now, let this particular episode go, and get back to working on Grace. She is a darn good woman and deserves your attention much more than your H. And in my ever so humble opinion, your H is a complete fool for leaving such a fine person.
You know there are lots of lessons from this night. However, just a couple of quick things in case you miss them.
A good rule is contact them after waiting 24 hours, 48 is even better. Unless it is about kids, it can wait.
H and OW are looking at buying a house together. You need to get your financial security in place.
Grace it is ok. These backslides are a necessary emotional growth. They are not uncommon, in fact everyone has them, that is why they are named. Shake it off, and move forward.
Try to get some sleep tonight. Things will look better in the morning.
I am happy to discuss anything with you. Will talk soon.
DnJ
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
I remember when my w told me about her wedding plans with OM
I freaked out but nothing came of it
Take your eyes off of him and keep them on you and the kids
Today was terrible
Tomorrow will be better
One day at a time
Gordie 40s W 40s M20+ kids 2016 BD W fantasy affair w OM1 I do everything wrong 2017 I start to DB W says TLTL files for D PA w OM2 2018 I do LRT W drops filing and OM2 situation slowly improving
