Re: Moving past the WAW to a stronger me Pt. 6

[Davide]

So today the W and I finally met to discuss finances, divorce, and other topics, including R, as it ended up. I am sure that I broke a number of DB rules, but I'm okay with that, okay with how it turned out, and okay with how I handled myself. We spoke for nearly two hours before I told her I had to go (I had a date scheduled as a hard out, which worked perfectly.)

The biggest order of business was splitting the money in our remaining bank accounts and the value of the house (both our names are on the deed.) If she wanted to fight for it, I'm sure she could get a 50/50 split. We both wrote a percentage on a piece of paper and then passed them to one another. As I predicted 8 months ago - I was more generous to her, and she was more generous to me. In the end we'll split everything with 2/3 going to me and 1/3 going to her, which is more or less fair given how much I supported her and us during the years she wasn't working or was barely working. The same goes with the house (minus the money we owe on it and the money that my parents gave us for the down payment,) we'll split the increased equity at the same percentage. The county just reassessed the house at a number which seems just about right so we used that as the current value. I don't know if I am staying in town or moving out, so that might involve me buying her out of the house (which I can afford to do). The only snag is that her name is on the deed, and it is my understanding that if I remove her name I might have to refinance the house based on just my salary - which I would prefer not to do because the interest rates will be much higher and I would have to pay significantly more per month, as well as paying closing costs. I'd prefer just to leave her name on the deed, although I am sure that I will get a bunch of 2x4s telling me how idiotic that is (please let'er rip!) She isn't going to rip me off, at this point I am sure of that because of her consistent actions over the past 10 months of separation. She hasn't touched the money in our joint accounts, nor tried to fight me for any of our money.

That said, she is definitely still in a fog. When I brought up starting the divorce process she let me know that she didn't feel ready to do it, that she wasn't over me, that she had loved me throughout this whole time, etc.. Of course, she is also still with OM. (I literally told her that her not being over me comment was "rich" given her actions!) I told her that I couldn't go forward with the process for another month and half unless she agreed to do it since we would have to lie about the date of our separation. She eventually said that she would do it if it would help me move on. This portion of the conversation was conducted between tears and sobs on her end, as if she hadn't been the one to walk out. We did delve a bit into relationship talk because she kept pushing there. I told her that the biggest/best thing I did was take responsibility for my actions, my choices, and my own happiness and that she was suffering so much because she was still running away from that responsibility. She had every right to walk away from a marriage that she didn't want to be in, but that she needed to own up to the consequences of that action. She has this fantasy where we are still great friends and in each others' lives, but it's a pollyanna-esque dream world.

At one point she asked me why I felt betrayed and I told her that it was because I had vowed to be with her forever no matter what, but she walked away from that commitment. She was surprised that I would think it was a good idea to stick around in a bad situation. And I think that reflects a pretty profound difference between us. I don't necessarily think that there is a right or wrong here, but it is a very different way of looking at it. To be fair I don't think that I would have made the changes I have made over the past 10 months without her leaving (certainly I wouldn't have made them so quickly). I don't know what the right answer is for when it is okay to leave a marriage - there certainly is a line, but I never felt that our MR was ever particularly close to it. Another profound difference that was explicitly laid out was my desire for a family and her lack thereof. I think that was one of the underlying tensions that frayed the cord of our marriage. I had reached a point where I thought that I would rather be with her than leave to have a family with someone else. It's possible that that was pure rationalization or a reflection of codependency, I'm still not sure.

I probably let this portion of the conversation last longer than it should, but honestly it wasn't hurting me. It wasn't pursuit, because I don't see any possibility of recovering or reestablishing a relationship with her. It felt more like a final opportunity to lay our cards out on the table with one another. I saw it as a final act of honesty that I certainly didn't owe her, but that I was okay giving because it really wasn't costing me much at all. We laughed a bit, I also called her out on her bullshit or hypocrisy at moments, and I let her know that I didn't want to hear about her and OM (boundary setting) when he came up. I told her that I don't know that I am "over her" but that I am focusing my energy and time on things that bring me joy and on people who bring love and positivity to my life and who want to spend time with me. One of her issues is that she constantly spends/spent time worrying about things that she couldn't control to the point that it would affect her mood significantly.

(Sorry for the rambling nature of my thoughts here as I try to reconstruct the conversation from 8 hours earlier. To return to the divorce filing for a second, she told me that she is doing a coding bootcamp for the next six weeks so won't have time to do the paperwork, but that she would sign and notarize whatever I needed. So, it's really just a question of whether I will have the time and focus to do it myself.)

I am under a fair amount of stress this week, between her birthday/ our anniversary, this impending meeting, a number of job possibilities coming up at the same time, and the intimacy of various romantic relationships ratcheting up another notch and finally coming to a head today... It actually feels good to have survived the anniversary and this conversation in good shape, as that removes at least two elements of stress from my life. It also feels strange to know that D is the one thing I am confident about wanting as the rest of my life is unfurling in strange and unknown ways and I am filled with uncertainty about what direction I want to go in.

Thanks again for all your support.