So just wanted to post a bit about deception and dating and feeling deceived. Don mentioned feeling deceived from pics. That has not been a huge issue for me so hard to relate, other then height descriptions. I think i have little trust in the photos to begin with, and my attraction for a man comes more from communication and interaction then it does visual. The words written mean more to me then anything.
I have been feeling a bit bad about my relationship. Im up and down a bit. The positives are there. I am given every indication he wants a future with me. Toothbrush left in his home was offered early on, and I am given open invitation and a key if I wanted. Im the one holding back.
I feel a bit deceived though. When we first dated, he went all out. Now, not so much. ANd to me, its still early. Dates, presents, texts arent as frequent and really thought out or considerate anymore - yet in the beginning they were incredibly thoughtful. I felt bad because he gave me something for Valentines Day, that I remember him telling me he gave his ex wife. I know how rude and spoiled it sounds like to feel upset about a gift and I would never voice this. I put a lot of thought and time into his gift - I analyze and research and base them off of something he mentioned or a specific like or hobby and I felt bad that he gave me something that sounded exactly like what he gave an ex. There were no plans either, even though he knew I was coming by and I intentionally took less cases that day. For my birthday, he gave me the exact same gift that he did last year. It was nice. And I know it sounds ungrateful to complain about a gift. (GIfts are not even my LL - they are his though). I think my expectations were too high based on how he wined and dined me in the beginning but I am left feeling like this guy threw at me all this great stuff early on and now I feel like we have settled into that we have been dating 10 years pattern, even though its still early and we dont even hang out all that frequently . It went from one extreme to another. And i know it has nothing to do with him wanting to end things. More like he got too comfortable to fast with me and now it just keeps going down. Or was he deceiving me early on?
Or maybe I am superficial and entitled and had unrealistic expectations? I did not date enough either maybe. Or maybe I needed more time to heal and be by myself. At the time though my whole thought process was on returning to date, find someone and get my life back. Have another chance at a family and baby with someone. (i was 37 when ex left and it was right after a miscarriage)
A more positive update... Everything else seems to be going well. My son has been thriving and I know that my involvement and research and consistent reaching out with the school and OTs/Social workers etc is the reason. He is most likely going to be selected into the gifted program. Living with my parents has actually been a great thing, and now I cant see any advantage to me leaving them to live with a guy. My mom helps out so much with my son. Its like the partnership I never had. I had forgotten about a valanetines day box for him to take to school - and she had it taken care of. I have also been saving money. And i am researching how to start my own side business into a niche area. It will be perfect if it takes off as I could keep my job with benefits and maybe earn more money then I am now with the same time. I do not have a business background though, so this has been hard to get going on. But I finally made the first move by reaching out to a non-profit state based small business advice agency. Im pretty excited about it. Its a really unique idea in an area I am pretty interested and experienced in. I think it has a lot of potential and Im surprised no one else is doing it.
Thing is I wanted more to be a family person, have another baby. But my path seems to not be allowing me this. Career stuff keeps opening up to me which Im not complaining about. Just commenting on.
Some one told me my problem is "I want, want want" and I never appreciate what I have. THat having another child is selfish and I need to put all my resources into my son. I get that. I really do. I just have so much love for my son. It is beyond anything I have ever felt or experienced. And I want more of it. But through a child. I don't know why just having him is not enough.
