Gordie 23 one year after she dropped the D

[Gordie]

Roist: Maybe it has nothing to do with it but today is Valentines Day. Many people in unhappy situations, look to this date and see that they are not where they'd like to be. That can be depressing. Ask any LBS here!! So that reminded her that she's not quiet there as regards to you. She could have initiated the R chat to ensure you didn't do anything elaborate for V Day, which could have worsened her feelings.

G: Thank you. No idea if it was V day related. I had not thought of that. We had a nice family dinner. I bought her a little present that was well received.

Roist: Regardless of what her reasons for initiating the conversation, only you can decide if it changes anything. To me it changes nothing. It just proves the road is still long ahead of you.

G: Agree this changes nothing and yes, still a long road ahead.

Roist: Remember that Foreveryoung's W told him at least three times she was done and wanted a D. She was triple done as he put it himself. Now they are working together with a counsellor to rebuid their M.

G: That is an awesome story. I did not know that. I am triple done! I do think about something my DB coach told me. When she is feeling closer to me, sometimes she pushes me away.

Roist: I know that it sux but it is the LBS that has to make the first few steps even if we feel it isn't up to us. I can understand you not wanting to give too much heart to a woman that isn't fully committed to you. Believe me I know how that feels. I don't believe that you need to give her MORE now. Maybe you should even back off a bit. Time and space are the keys to all reconciliations that have occurred on this site. Respect her wish or rather how she feels. Feelings change. you know that. That can give you hope.

G: I know you know. We absolutely need more time. I am struggling with the space. She says and acts in contradictory ways of wanting more and wanting less.

Roist: In your shoes I would let her know that you respect her feelings and appreciate her being open with you. Don't try to change them. you can't. You can understand her frustrations though. You know how hard it is to live in a difficult R. You can empathise.

G: I told her exactly that. Thank you for sharing your feelings.

Roist: Now you need to work on your resentment and anger. Those will not help you nor your W feel better. Don't act on them.

G: Yes, indeed. Still a work in progress.

Roist: Your W is unhappy that she isn't the centre of your world and that you are not doing enough for her. I truly believe that can be a good thing! She wants to be the center of your world and for you to do things for her. She has noticed you are independent of her and she doesn't like it. Your coach has advised that some of what you do will displease her. Maybe that is even essential. Follow your path, and leave her decide her own path.

G: Yes, she says she wants to be the center of my world and focus of my attention and I have been focused on me and the kids. If I put all my attention on her, it may scare her away. If I do not give her enough attention, it may just further frustrate her.

Roist: Many people in crisis oscilate between wanting back and wanting out. The strength and distance between those peaks usually diminishes and eventually they no longer osscilate. Stay steady, but be open to learn more.

G: I agree re oscillation. Since our R talk, she has been wanting me to spend more time with her and to talk to her more. She has also been touchier. One day at a time.