Help needed with wayward wife

[sandi2]

Hi Paul, it's good to hear from you again. I realize this is a very painful time for you, and I hope you will use the board as your support group. ((hugs))

My therapist mentioned that I should ask her more about how she will tell parents and friends about separation also make sure that she thinks how the bills will be paid. Her opinion was that she needs to take responsibility of that as well. I was considering sending an email to my wife with those questions. What do you think if it's good idea.

Well, here are my thoughts about it, FWIW. Your W has fired you as her H. So, you are not responsible for how she tells her parents/friends. It's not up to you to see that she tells them. The same can be said about her bills, unless it's to inform her that you won't be supplying the funds. Why should you school her about the things she will need to know? I get what your therapist is suggesting, but I don't agree from the standpoint of a WW. The therapist must think these things will cause your W to stop and reconsider her decision. Here's the thing, the WW has to have reality to smack her in the face. Currently she believes in a fantasy. What do you think jars her from the fantasy fog? She can't be coddled, or she will likely remain in her wayward state. She has to experience some of the harsh consequences that come from her wayward decisions. Trying to point out to her the things your therapist suggested will not draw her out of the waywardness. It will only draw more resentment.

I felt like if I kick her out because of A there will be no way for me to show that I have changed.

I suspect you want to make changes for her. Those type of changes don't phase a wayward W. Why? B/c she has lost respect for you, and she no longer cares about some improvements you make. Sorry to be so harsh, Paul, but WW's can be cold and more harsh than I'm being at the moment. Yes, we encourage newcomers to work on themselves.......but it is not with the intent to impress the wayward spouse and change their mind. I've been around a long time, and I have my first time to read about a WW ending her A and deciding to work on her MR b/c her H was doing more housework, finishing all those repairs/projects, hanging around the house more, etc. I have read of times a H would work himself crazy, trying to be the image of the H he thought his W wanted....... and the WW would indeed notice his changes. She would even comment on all the changes he had made.......only to add how it had not changed her feelings. Whenever I see a LBH worried that his WW won't see his changes, I'm pretty certain he is focused on making changes for her.

Her ability to feel love/desire for you is not possible, until she feels respect for you as a man. That is how women are wired.

I can give you some tips about the type of changes you can make that are more effective in your WW's final decisions and the direction she'll take. I just don't know that you are ready to trust it. You have a lot of fear and you have to lose the fear of losing her. Actually, you've already lost her in many ways. The way to draw her back is by becoming a man who knows his worth and has enough self respect to not put up with a cheating W. It doesn't matter how long it may take you to find another good person. You have to ask yourself........what kind of person do you have now?

Am I promoting divorce? No, I am here to tell good men about wayward wives and a little about the WW's mindset and how they operate. The sooner you can grasp that concept, the sooner you stand a chance in turning things around. You are correct that the DR book doesn't really refer to wayward spouses categorically. However, it is still a good overall guide. There is basically one difference I have when it comes to a wayward W, and that is the H can't play BFF with her, and he has to demonstrate a dose of tougher love than the book may imply. In other words, he can't nice his WW back into the MR......b/c she has lost respect for him. Therefore, all the tender, nice things the H may want to do to win back his WW from an affair, will be seen by her as him being soft/weak. When a W is wayward, it ALWAYS boils down to her losing respect for her H. Disrespect is the root of waywardness, and it kills the W's feelings of attraction for her H. That's why she will say, "I love you, but I am not in love with you". The "in love" is the sexual desire/attraction. Disrespect killed it. The good news is that those feelings can be restored, by having the respect restored.