Job and Peacetoday - I just now saw your responses. I didn't see them when I prepared my response to DnJ! Anyway, thanks so much for your added insight. I feel like I can go forward now with a new perspective. Thank you.
Originally Posted by peacetoday
and while you stand you are not standing still- you create a new life, new friends, new you-new hobbies, activities We take everything we learn with us to recreate our lives for the better-
I was listening to a talk show today, and someone said they divorced their wife because she cheated 4 times. He said he tried to hold everything together for everybody but himself, and the 4th time was just too much. He was asking about someone he was dating, and the advice was to go into counseling to find out why he chose his Ex and stayed after the 1st, 2nd, and 3rd time before he launched into another R.
So, it got me thinking. Why did I want to give my H a pass the 2nd time and was so desperate to have him want to work on the M? When I knew there was probably 2 or 3 more earlier in our M when the kids where young and we went through a terrible time with his first “soul mate” 8 years ago because she went psycho. Why didn’t I throw him out then and there? At the time I didn’t think it was safe for him as he was suicidal. But was that just an excuse so I didn’t have to face it then? Why do I still stand?
Originally Posted by peacetoday
and while you stand you are not standing still- you create a new life, new friends, new you-new hobbies, activities We take everything we learn with us to recreate our lives for the better-
I think I’m doing this, and like what I am discovering. I am generally moving forward, and over the last 4 or 5 months have learned a lot about my former self…including my contributions to our dysfunctional, low conflict marriage, and a lot about the person I stifled during our marriage. I think this partly keeps me standing, since I get to re-discover myself without the worries of how to make ends meet. My life-style has not really changed, and the bills are paid, so I need to see this as a gift. As they say, time is a gift. I need to remind myself this. And I believe in my vows, and because I never gave H the chance to be free to see if he wants to heal, I feel I owe it to our M. Then I will know, if it doesn’t work out, I truly did everything I could.
But I think it’s time to start thinking a bit about why I was (am still?) wanting to stay with a liar and a cheater. Why was I so frantic and desperate then? I thought, and everyone tells me, I’m a sensible, grounded, smart, strong woman, but they also tell me I’m kind and empathetic. I think it’s this last bit that overshadowed MY needs, wants, and desires for so much of my marriage. I think I need to put some more thought into this, so that no matter what happens, I will never feel that desperation with H or anyone else again.
So, a few GAL activities:
Tomorrow I will be heading out for a short cruise with an old friend from High School that has helped me a lot through this. Her plane can’t come in tonight due to weather, so I hope her flight tomorrow doesn’t make her late! I am getting on that ship with or without her! I so need it. But, of course I’m confident she will make it in plenty of time and I’m looking forward to a marvelously relaxing 4 days!
The dreaded Valentine’s Day is coming up. A new acquaintance called me not to long ago asking if I was divorced. She’s from church. I explained I was separated, but she said she has a Valentine’s Day party every year for about 15 friends (she’s single and I’m assuming they are all single women), and wants me to come. So, my first Valentine’s Day separated, and I have plans! I’m glad.
D19 arrived tonight to spend some time with her friends this weekend, and she will see her dad on Sunday. I’m glad.
Work is good, and mostly rewarding. My faith keeps me uplifted, my boot camp keeps my mind and body sound, and I’m looking into taking a few classes and explore more activities just for me.
You sound like you are doing really well Grace. That Valentine’s Day part sounds like fun. You should go!! I get the double whammy... Valentine’s Day and the day after is my birthday. Ugh. Not that my H ever made a big deal about either of those events but still, I will miss him more on those days, I’m sure. Have a great time on your mini cruise!!! (((HUGS)))
So, back from from my cruise. What a terrific time I had! It was great to reconnect with my friend on an intimate level. I’m so happy I reached out to her those several months ago. We’ve always stayed in touch since high school, but usually just holidays and the occasional dinner when I was in her state (my home state).
Guess who messaged “How as your cruise?” before I even got off the ship. Yep. H. I didn’t tell him where I was going, but he spent the day with D19, so I guess she told him. I thought it interesting, but won’t read too much into it. I responded it was great. We’ve had a few exchanges over the past few days about routine stuff, but that’s it.
Both of my kiddos called me yesterday just to chat, and that was awesome. Love it when they do that.
My valentine’s day dinner is postponed. The hostess has been sick. I find that I don’t mind it is cancelled. That feeling surprises me just a bit. I’m content to either go to bootcamp or my usual Thursday Meetup walk. My cruise friend is also separated (her H moved out and out of the country about a year ago). She is the one that wants the divorce as they’ve had a non-marriage for years. She says she finds it freeing that she is not set up for another disappointment this year. Apparently he hardly ever got her anything for any occasion, but it he did, it was perfunctory. That resonated with me. Maybe I’m feeling a bit that way to.
No expectations for anything = no disappointment.
I’m mulling over a few things about myself that might benefit from discussion with my IC. For instance, perhaps explore further what is it about ME that made me so desperate to try to fix our M when clearly H wasn’t on board. I’m not exactly sure yet, because I don’t want to go back unless I have a specific purpose. I need more time. More on that to come in the coming weeks, I’m sure.
This weekend I’m hoping to catch up on everyone’s sitch. In the meantime, spend Valentine’s Day loving yourself and the new discoveries you are making about YOU!
Last edited by job; 02/13/1908:00 PM. Reason: added space between paragraphs
Aww, Valentine's Day - a sticky subject. I was married for 24 years. Valentine's Day should have been my clue. My ex kind of pooh-poohed it as a commercial holiday.Some years he did little compared to what I did for him - in retrospect, those were the years when he was having an affair or fantasizing about another woman. Other years he would do the standard flowers (NEVER chocolate - god forbid, I might gain weight!!!!). He was romantic in other ways at other times but looking back, Valentine's Day was the clue about his ambivalence about the marriage.
My last boyfriend (before the current one) I told about how lousy my ex was with Valentine's Day (and trust me, I'm low maintenance - the bar was set low). So one year he snuck into my bedroom in the middle of the night and filled it with mylar Valentine's-themed balloons - the entire ceiling was covered. I woke up to it in the morning.
That boyfriend had problems - undiagnosed bipolar disorder leading to serious addiction relapse, and turned out he was leading a double life most of the time we were together - but I'll always appreciate that one act and now feel like my Valentine's Day wish was fulfilled.
Current boyfriend asked me, flowers or chocolate - I said flowers because I plan to buy chocolate for the rest of the fam. I KNOW he adores me and this will be enough.
Something occurred to me just this morning. My separation from H and how we interact is so like our entire marriage………….low conflict.
We are both just doing our thing. I have absolutely no idea what H’s “thing” is, and as time passes I am only mildly curious. Some days, though, I feel like I want to hire a PI for a week to satisfy my curiosity. I’m pretty sure I won’ t, though. What’s the point?
I wonder how this low conflict scenario will resolve – with a bang or a whimper.
My dad AGAIN last night said “at some point soon you are going to have to force a decision from him”, or something like that. I said, No, why would I do that? I’m not ready to D, our accounts are joint so I have free reign to spend and do what I please and live my life with not much change (as an aside, I’ve always been frugal, so H never, ever questioned my spending). I have my house, and living quite a pleasant life with new friends and activities. As time goes on, I really see the benefit of working hard on GAL and oneself. I find myself relatively happy, and as I told my dad, it’s setting me up to be happy no matter what H does. And, I might end up liking my life just fine, and if H wants to R at some point, it just might be too late.
So, anyway, I wonder if this low conflict in separation is a good thing. I really feel for all of you that have wacko spouses that do crazy things. So much added stress. My extreme is peaceful, but I wonder if it will help to resolve anything at all? Maybe I should be thankful for it.
Had a terrific GAL time last night with a girlfriend, am having a friend over today to spend the day, and have plans tonight. After only one week, my cruise seems a distant memory. Planning another trip for March with the kids!
I understand that idea of hiring a PI. I mean what are they doing day to day. What is so darn enthralling? Of course I know you are not really considering it (I think), you are just wondering.
There is always that temptation to snoop isn’t there? I had that “need”, it does go away. Besides nothing you find out would be “good news” and just be something else to work through and/or have to let go of.
Still, such a neat idea. However, I agree with you - What’s the point.
I agree with peacetoday about others meaning well and just wanting to help you. Not to be mean but most people in the real world just don’t get this. And that is nothing against them; they just haven’t been exposed to this. A lot have seen the destruction marriages, betrayals, etc... but not a compassionate healing. A few internet searches for getting over betray and such yields a lot more non-compassionate and non-forgiving results; ideas as you find here are scattered like oases in an unforgiving dessert.
Of course that was 16 months ago maybe things have changed out in the big web. Lol.
For what it’s worth, I found keeping my headings, which are very similar to your’s, compassion, forgiveness, not vengeful, understanding, etc... lead me here and lead the people who meant well. No one suggests anymore of dumping her and moving on, or forcing something, they see how mixed up W is, they see that this is not a simple fix - guess I rubbed off on them.
So stick to your plan, and follow your headings, stubbornly or faithfully - depending when and where you happen to be on the path at that time. You will learn so much and so will others, even your Dad - mine did.
We are both lucky in respect to a peace from a low conflict situation. I see you using your gift of time well.
Enjoy the time as you find Grace again.
Life is indeed good.
DnJ
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
Thank you Peace and DnJ. Your words keep me on the path I know if right for me. I think even my dad is starting to understand where I'm coming from. I have a few good girlfriends that are very supportive of my decision to Stand, and I even think they "get it". That helps.
Originally Posted by peacetoday
Watch the joint account. I know you can spend but watch his spending. The MLCer has no respect for money
Before H moved out, I suggested we both stick with a certain amount for gas, groceries, going out, etc. He immediately got a bank account at a separate bank with a cc attached to it. He made it sound like it would be easier for him to keep track, but I'm sure he doesn't want me to see what he is spending on. So far he has only transferred the agreed amount. And I have been sticking with this amount too, in spite of my trips. His paycheck (he makes triple what I do), goes into our joint account, and so far (5 months) I haven't seen much activity there. So, it seems to be working for now. But good advice. I will continue to be vigilant.
