Hi Susy - So sorry that you have find yourself here but, as others have said, you have found the right place. This is the most difficult thing you will ever have to go through, but you will come out the other end stronger. It is the journey that makes us. Keep your head up, stay true to your values and focus on building the best life for you and your daughter. He may come around, he may not, but either way, as long as you stay true to you, you will come to of this the winner.
Originally Posted by susy84
A bit anxious today, he is coming and staying in the house for the weekend (to spend time with his daughter), he lives 300 km away.
Normally i spend the night away when comes to visit, but my good friends have family visiting, the hotels are fully booked in town, its a art deco festival happening and its a big deal. So i will have to spend the night at home, i will go out and arrive late, but if its anything like the previous times we will make my life really hard.
Don't let him. You control you. Smile and be civil, but as long as he has the power to play with your emotions, engage as little as possible. Give short but pleasant answers to any direct questions. Validate, but do not engage in relationship talks, even if he initiates. You are not ready yet and he is (as you say) still in la la land. If he is anything like my H was at the start, he will temp check, then turn anything you say against you.
Going out is good - but you will need to go home at some point, so when you are home, try and busy yourself in other rooms. It will be hard. I hear my children in the living room or the dining room laughing and enjoying time with their dad, and I want to be with them and feel guilty for not being with them, but I force myself to be busy elsewhere - doing the laundry, cleaning the kitchen, painting or meditating in my room. Whatever you do, don't hover.
Originally Posted by susy84
He have sent me a financial proposal Thursday, yesterday he had message all day about it, if i have read it and what i think about it. I ignored the messages (we are going trough lawyers) but of course he rang his daughter (convenient, did not rang her all week) and wanted to talk about it. I just said that i have read it, that i will have to have independent advise ( i am not gonna accept) but mention that the figures (value that he have given to the houses) are not very realistic.
From what you have posted, he will definitely want to talk about this. Don't. Just say "I am still reviewing it and will get back to you". If he keeps pushing/digging just keep repeating "I haven't had a chance to read it properly yet. I will let you know". Do not run your proposal by him until you have spoken to your lawyer and have all your ducks in a row. No matter how reasonable you think your proposal is, he will find it unreasonable. That is just the nature of the beast you are dealing with. As soon as you let him make this weekend about the divorce, you will end up in an argument. If you have to tell him something like "This weekend is not about you and me. It is about you spending time with our daughter. I want to make it as pleasant for her as possible. Let's talk about the divorce once the weekend is over".
Originally Posted by susy84
How did you guys dealt with the settlement? how reasonable, unreadable was? What would you do differently?
It is different for all of us and depends on our individual sitch's, whether children are involved, and mostly how reasonable (or not) our spouses are being. If you're talking just financial settlement (i.e. splitting of assets), then I think be fair and be reasonable. Go with your conscience - you are the one who is going to have to look in the mirror and know that you acted with dignity. Look after yourself and look after your daughter but remember, that underneath the alien he has become, is the man you once loved. You built a home and filled it with hopes and dreams. He shared those hopes and dreams too. Plus, you have a daughter together which means he will be a part of you life for a long time to come. The decisions you make today will form the foundations of the life you lead tomorrow. Let those decisions be guided by your better angels.
Originally Posted by susy84
Note: we get along well if the finances are not discussed. I am able to see him, without having a melt down. But is the stress of this conversations that are getting into me.
See above re not engaging. "this weekend is about you spending time with our daughter. Let's talk about it once the weekend is over" then walk away before he can answer.
Originally Posted by susy84
If i did what he wanted we would be "great friends".
Of course he does, they al live in this weird world where they get everything they want and we can all be 'great friends'.
Good luck. Come back here if it gets too much. There is always someone who will understand and listen. We have all been where you are and you are doing great.
