Sorry I haven't replied in a long time. I got nervous...things started to look up with H, and I felt like posting here was a mistake. Like clockwork, things are as they always were and I find I need some support. Hang with me ya'll. I'll try not to ghost again.
Since last time, I was going to IC and not seeming to connect with her...also was seeing improvements in day to day life, stopped drinking and had little to no contact from H and things were getting easier so I stopped the counseling. Went through an episode of depression where I found it almost impossible to get out of bed and definitely recognized it. I was tired of feeling dumpy so I decided to clean until I couldn't clean anymore. Organized, had my friend over, got my finances straightened out and put a proper meal plan together with a successful grocery trip...something H criticizes me all the time for about not doing.
H and I still have finances very much conjoined and he is wildly accommodating in that he has his check direct deposited and asks me to just tell him what he has to spend. Lately this hasn't been working out so well as he will shift money around the accounts and spend without any concern. We have both been turning a blind eye to the mounting financial issues but the last straw for me was a warning notice from a medical bill about to go to collections. A quick list of our expenses/income in black and white seemed to stun him into better spending behavior and working the budget gave me a healthier outlet for the controlling behaviors I can't seem to extinguish. However, since sharing this info with him and needing to keep in contact more often about daily finances, he has been incredibly friendly. He has been sending friendly phone calls, visiting with our daughter more, and oddly, trying to confide in me more like old pals. He says he thinks he's dealing with BPD and he will schedule an appointment with a new IC. I notice that he's beginning to adopt a "grass is greener" mentality as he gets more tired of staying with his parents. We have a history of being able to confide in each other about his parents idiosyncrasies and it starts to feel like old times...until he tells me that he's "so tired of being over there..." he "misses us so much..." and now he "wants to come home...but he's scared"
This revelation came AFTER a R conversation where he basically told me that by making him take accountability for the women he has been talking to, I was disregarding the journey he's on to restore his mental health and that he needs me to "be up here with him..." That if we're "back here" focusing on the issue of the ladies, how can we be "up here" focusing on what's really important...his mental health? He briefly brought up that "maybe we could talk about marriage counseling" but that if we went that route, we really needed to "be a team and move forward in total trust from that point on without bringing up the past"
...do WHAT?! Are you actually trying to school me now, brother?!
I simply asked him how on Earth he expects me to do that if the behaviors have never stopped to which he replied "nothing will ever change and we will be having these same conversations forever!" ...then he left the house, went home, and a couple hours later sent me a song in an effort to explain the struggle he's having with his mental health and I began to feel sorry for him.
He goes back and forth between wanting to come home and really angry when I take another step toward detaching after continued contact with the other women. He freaked out when he finally noticed I took some pictures off the fridge and in response, removed some himself from our walls to which he then told me to put all his things in the garage. He later apologized for taking the pictures down. His typical response to any behavior of mine that seems to eliminate him from my life is utter rage and disposal...followed by self-deprecation and remorse. It is very confusing and I'm struggling to keep my own emotions in check when this happens. I almost feel responsible for guiding him through a mental rehabilitation because I am not the only one he struggles to communicate with properly and saving him/giving him more chances to prove himself is a really co-dependent behavior I've adopted, I just never realized how deeply.
How do I stop falling victim to the guilt trips and end this cycle until he gets himself some help?! How do I interact with him in a healthy way so that he can still spend time with our D? He still pays the mortgage, he's the one who initiated the move out...I'm still not even sure why...and he comes and goes as he pleases...how do I address this? I have told him I don't want him to move back home until I'm sure he's serious and things have changed and then he makes it out to be like he's schooling ME on the fact that he needs me to be a different kind of spouse. About the time I feel like I've been clear about what I expect from him and I won't take anything less...I somehow end up feeling like I'm the one who needs to do more at the end of the convo. WHAT IS HAPPENING HERE?! Help...
