He moved back in last month and we are reconciling. He was out of the house for about 9 months. For the first 2-3 we were separated, then he said we were over and no coming back. I let him go. Two weeks later, he says it was a mistake and he wants to be with me and do whatever it takes to make it work... and from that point on, he had changed and was genuinely working on us.
So we started dating each other again... having fun. He traveled a lot for work (abroad) but we talked every day and spent lots of time together. Sex got better and is now better than at any other point in our marriage. He is communicating his emotions more than he ever did previously.
I have learned and grown so much over the past year to the point that it is kind of astounding. I have learned to be okay alone; learned to not rely on a relationship to make myself happy; learned about the importance of having space and friend time outside the relationship.
He admitted that it was working nights that really put him into such a downward spiral, and saw the difference in his quality of life when he was working abroad and able to have a more normal schedule. I think he has SAD and the working nights just intensified it. We hadn't worked on issues in our marriage -- we had just tried to suck them up and be positive. We didn't ever engage in healthy conflict. He felt emasculated because I was more successful in our jobs (now we are both essentially equally successful, which has helped -- he has gained confidence through promotions). He had a bit of an identity crisis too as an immigrant who'd changed drastically after moving to the US -- his belief system, his values, and his worldview are so different than when we first met that it also made him question who he was and my role in his having changed.
I know we aren't out of the woods yet. There still could be issues -- I mean, there will be for sure. But we are more connected, more attracted to each other, more excited to spend time together and plan for the future, more affectionate, better listeners, better attentive to each others' love languages than ever before. We both accepted divorce and then CHOSE to be with each other again and for the last few months, our relationship and marriage has been stronger than ever before.
I didn't follow all of the rules here, but the one that I found most helpful with other tools was the idea of detachment. Learning that it was my job to not be affected by his moods or what he said, and that all I could control was my own behavior and how I reacted? It was revolutionary. It helped me immensely, and made me a better partner. The idea of being the lighthouse was also a metaphor I kept in my head. I wasn't cold. I didn't say things that were hurtful. I didn't bring him down. I was lukewarm but didn't beg, didn't tell him I couldn't do it without him. I told him I was here and that I was willing to try. I tried to be inviting, I spent lots of time with friends and family, I had a work promotion, I worked out and ate healthier... The other take-away was the pursued/pursurer concept and needing a balance there. Absolutely. I never had a balance; I always pursued. That's changed.
So... we're talking babies (I want things to be settled down for awhile first since the idea of him leaving again if we had kids would be too much), a new house, travel (we both have had our income increase by 1.3x or more in the last 10 months)... It's totally, totally different. We have moments of joy. And I'm really happy about that.
