Brave Little Gerda Faces the Cutting Winds

[job]

Gerda,

You are dealing w/a man/child. He's reliving his childhood and it's tough dealing w/a man who is acting out. From this day forward, mark the things that you do not want him to touch. I know this sounds crazy, but you've got to identify those things and I would even go as far as taking photos so that he can't come back and say "I didn't see any notes on them".

Choose your battles. Yes, you were upset by what he did last night.

Also, keep your answers short and sweet. When he asked you to sleep elsewhere, respond "h, no, I am not sleeping elsewhere. You have two options do the project here or go elsewhere". That is a firm, but simple response. Stand firm and you do not need to explain yourself to him. He already knows the answer.

Also, if it is time for your child to go to bed, why would he even entertain the thought of giving her sweets at that time of night? Your daughter should have taken a bath and had her pjs on and ready to head off the bed.

So, I will say this again, dig deeper for patience, do not engage w/him any more than you have to and choose your battles wisely. He's doing everything he can to get you to argue w/him and he, in his own way, gets a thrill out of your being upset.

[Rita]

Thank you, Job, for the advice and tips. I hear you and mostly I do choose my battles but you know how sometimes with an in-house MLCer, you slip. I did use to label something I really didn't want him to use up, like jam, but he uses it anyway.

So I usually just try once and then give it to Christ and try to explore what it does for me to give to my "enemy."

One thing though -- it was me who asked him to sleep downstairs in the rental apartment. Nice cozy apartment with big comfy bed as opposed to scratchy lopsided couch.

[job]

Gerda,

I'm going to suggest something to you and you may want to try it. Instead of pointing out that he's eaten or given the children something that you are planning to use the next day or so...just be quiet about it. Sometimes, when we do not react to their childish behavior, they will stop. The more you react, the more negative attention you are giving him. I know it's difficult, but you've got to step back just a bit and count to ten before reacting to his childish behavior. They do not care if the attention is positive or negative just as long as they are receiving it.

[Rita]

You are right, Job, this is definitely the goal and I think what I usually do. Yesterday was the perfect example of why I should go back to silence! Thank you!!! You are so helpful and caring.

[Rita]

Here's a really sad MLC moment for your toolkit --

I always make a huge fuss over Valentine’s Day; when my kids come down, I have the table all decorated and lots of little gifts and chocolates, etc. I also always leave a present for H, in the old days a great one with a poem but now just a small gift. S13 bought me flowers, which was amazing but H obviously nothing and he was gone before we woke up.

We didn’t see him until tonight at which point he gave D9, in front of S13, a box of chocolates from a fancy place, all wrapped up in heart paper. I saw he gave S13 nothing and assumed he had done that before my D and I got home. But I heard H tell D that Valentine’s Day is just for boys to give girls something, so I started to wonder.

So I asked S if H had given him anything and he said no. And I realized that his countenance had totally changed, he seemed really dark after being pretty great the last two days.

My heart just broke for S13. So I asked D to give him some of her chocolates and to say that H wanted her to give him some chocolates because he thought this was a boy-to-girl holiday only. I know we aren't supposed to interfere with their relationships, and it still sucked but I felt like it sucked less than him thinking that his dad hated him.

I know it’s not my job to fix things but I couldn’t stand how sad my S seemed. And honestly I think it was amazing for my D to give up something she had to help her brother and to see how happy it made him. They usually fight a lot.

So we did that. And when I came back in, with some level of happy relief, S told me that H just didn’t think boys should give boys things on Valentine’s Day, that that was why he hadn’t gotten anything.

But after that S13 was still pretty awful all night and refused to go to bed, I woke up after 2 am and he was still up and we had to argue again. He was very angry but when I woke up he had crawled in next to me. Poor guy.

I read often here that the MLC’er often picks one child as the total favorite to give all their love/attention (love/attention being a relative term in MLC Universe!) and is "more bad" to the other children. DnJ comes to mind but so many others. And then of course we know that holidays really tighten the MLC noose. It’s so hard to witness though.

[Rita]

Ready2Change, thank you for stopping by! I love your scripts! You are right about the man thing -- I guess even long before MLC, a lady always has to rework her brain to figure out how to reach her man in a way he can hear!

[Rita]

Gordie, thank you so much. I did not write a proper reply but read what you wrote many times and have been trying to imprint your perspective on myself whenever confusion threatens. I want a heart-brain likes yours -- you are able to see things so clearly right away and to state them in so few words, but the words never sound terse or harsh, only patient and wise. This is a gift in both writing and just in your humanity. I am very thankful!

[job]

Gerda,

Your h's upbringing may have had a lot to do w/his way of thinking that men/boys do not give each other something on Valentine's Day. I personally think that a lot of the stuff going on w/your h is what he may have endured as a child. Have you ever considered that he may jealous of the relationship that you have w/your son? Some of the MLCers do get very jealous/envious over the attention that their spouse gives to the children. It's hard to believe that they would react that way, but they do. They also tend to select one child over others to be friends w/because that child will not question anything that they say.

Gerda, to your h, you are an authority figure. He looks at you as his parent. He sees you are controlling and he most likely feels like he cannot do anything right, i.e., he shuts down when you point out the things he does wrong. He sees that as complaining and making him feel less of a man, but more as a child. In his own way, he wants respect and to be treated as an equal, he wants affirmation/acknowledgement when he does something right. These are the things that he sees and hears from you, i.e., even if you are speaking to him in an even tone. Their perception of right or wrong is from off...but in his world, he feels that he can never please you.

I'm not saying that you do the things I have mentioned, but take a step back and think about the interactions that you've had w/him over the past several months. Things have escalated. You and your children are stressed, your son is angry and acting out a bit because he wants his father's attention and he feels and sees how you are reacting to your h's crazy making. Have you read the detachment thread? If not, now would be a good time to do so.

Sometimes, we have to do something different in order to get a different result. Doing the same things over and over again and getting the same results is crazy making. Just my two cents.

[Gordie]

Thank you Gerda

What did you decide to do re custody agreement?

Happy V Day

[DnJ]

Hello Gerda

The picking a favourite is such a thing, as is picking a non-favourite.

Maybe my W picked S21 as she did give him a cobbler a few days ago. However, nothing for any kids on V Day. Not even a text. Dang. Maybe OM Son is favorite at the moment. It’s not about me or the kids.

I hope S13 knows it is not about him, this is already hard enough on them. It was nice when D9 share with her brother.

DnJ