Adjusting to being a LBS #2

[Subitai]

To be honest, I have not been great at trying to DB. Especially after the moving out. The relief of not living in the same house as her (even if neither of us was there at the same time) is immense. The lack of pressure. Dealing with the kids is easier. Dealing with everyday life is easier. Even dealing with her is easier. I still get hot under the collar when she comes at me, but I have been able to walk away. Multiple times she has chased after me swearing at me (in front of the children, even) but I have avoided responding in kind. She dropped the f bomb at me, then 'apologized' to the kids by saying "I'm sorry you heard me swear, but some times people deserve it." Unfortunately I could not resist replying with "Yes, but you notice I still didn't" before closing the door in her face. It felt good, but was unproductive. Her apology to me about it later was "now you know how I felt living with your anger all these years."

She has not shown any personal growth, but has definitely shown more and more anger as the process proceeds along. She decided she wanted to buy me out of the house, and complained when I got a separate house, then demanded a hard 'move out date' without the sale having been completed (still not completed) and got very angry whenever I said "Well, you haven't paid me yet, so I don't think you should be so adamant about this." To be fair, I moved out the last week of December so the whole year would be a clean start. I got everything out of the house proper, and almost everything out of the garage (a few things overlooked and a few thinks I thought she was okay with me leaving there until a big 'dump run' could be organized) before the end of January. We have a shed that also needed emptying, but we had agreed verbally it could wait. She came at me the first week of Feb about having failed to 'move out' by then. That was the most recent swear fest.

And also to be fair, she asked much more nicely this week, asking if I could do her a favor and schedule some moving time to work on the shed. I've done a couple of trips, and there is very little left, most of it in boxes that are mixed together stuff of both of ours. I responded favorably to the polite request, and did a load. The whole 'not reacting' and 'not taking [censored]' thing is hard to balance, but very key. I wish I was better at it. It's been interesting really internalizing what her 'weapons' are. Aggressive talk. Silences. Not agreeing to things, but appearing to through moving on to other topics without explicit agreements. Mean spirited 'jokes' she aims at me (and the follow up "don't be a baby, it was a joke" attitude.) So many landmines to navigate. I'm sure she feels the same way about me, though. And the 'experts' we have working for us. Oy.

Every 'expert' she wanted to see she wielded as a weapon. If I didn't agree to something, she insisted on emailing the therapist/mediator/kid psych/etc to get an opinion. I haven't been to marriage (divorce) therapy with her since early November. Our therapist reached out and asked us how we are doing and if we wanted a 'follow up' or 'final' session. W said sure, and I agreed. We'll see how that goes next week. I plan on being quiet and listening, mainly, and validating without groveling or admitting guilt.

I am at the point where I realize the less of her in my life, the happier I am. And not because she's a bad person. But because the R is still so bad for her, and it shows. I will do my best to keep it smooth without slipping back into being her simpering lackey who explodes in anger when it gets to be too much.

For any of you who remember my earlier posts about my D and myself... it's way better. Way, way, way better. Most of that is the work I have done on myself. But a good portion of it is also not having to worry about my W's reaction to my D, and vice versa. Harmony is easier to achieve. Her emotional blow ups with me are significantly less than with the W. I feel competent and engaged. I am pleased with how things are going. I may even try dating some time soonish. (She's still with the OM, who is not confirmed as being physically an OM before BD, but is almost certainly was emotionally the OM before BD. She started dating him probably days after BD.)

The only downsides right now are finances. Harder to maintain two separate family houses, that's for sure. But other than that, all sunshine and daisies!