Perspective: Lately, i am going through a " why am i here? ", "what is my purpose? " I have one at work but at home?
This is my day to day routine: - 6 am: work - 8h15 am : leave work to drive D16 ( she had her bday on the 5th ) to school and rush back to work - 11h00 to 12h00 lunch - 3pm off work and go pick up D16 at school - 3h45 drive D16 to work - 6h45 meet 2 friends for coffee until 7h45. -8pm pick up D16 at work -8h30 drive D16 to boyfriend' s house 10pm pick up D16 ....
I know it is normal for D16 to want to be with friends. I was the same way at her age. What i do that my mother did not do is all the rides. I live in a very small community and there is not much to do here.
This routine is getting old. I stop myself from leaving this town because of my D16' s schooling. I am alone, lonely and not sure why i am staying here for someone i see 20 min./ day max.
I am looking for advise. Should i uproot her? Ss anyone here made the move and if so where your kid' s grade affected by it? Did it cause problem within the family?
I am late in reading sitch, and admit I don't know the whole story. But, IMO, if you can wait until D16 graduates from high school (assuming she is your youngest?), then I would do that. That's only years, and not a lot of time. Then you can go wherever you want, do whatever you want. It's a sacrifice to bee sure, but that's sometimes needed to give our kids the stability they need. Kids of all ages want to know how anything will affect THEM. If you did want to make a move, I would imagine you will have to have a concrete plan that your D can see the benefits for her. I think that might be a tough sell with a BF in the picture at the age of 16.
When I was 16, I got my driver’s license and drove myself. Does you D16 plan to do that soon? Small communities are tough ETB. Have you exhausted GAL ideas? Clubs? Meet Ups? Volunteering?
I have a daughter who is 16 (grade 11). I too live in a small town, with little to do with in it. My work is a one hour commute away.
Your questions of why am I here, what is my purpose, should I uproot my daughter.
To the last one, I would say no. I assume your daughter is not wishing to move or made no suggestion to such. That very small community is her home and her school. It is only 2 years until she is 18 and graduated.
I had talks with my daughter and sons about moving and staying. The two youngest were still in school at the time of BD and wished to finish schooling here. And of course this is their home.
They will grow and move away from this little village, their home, and me, setting out on their own grand adventure of life. I believe you and I are close enough to that time, to let our kids continue living as they know until they feel the urge to move. You have freedom of choice, you may just need to wait for a bit longer to exercise it.
To the other questions. Yes work does give one a purpose. Life away from work seems less and does require something, that purpose you are mentioning. Why am I here, I will take as literal, why in this small town as opposed to why am I here (life and big picture stuff). Where one lives or chooses to live doesn’t create or extinguish purpose, that comes from inside. I know you know that.
My daughter got her driver license, and now has a car. I will now see her less than before. This is a difficult and noble purpose, to raise and show our children how to be, to let them be, and still be there for them - even for only 20 minutes a day.
For what it is worth, my kids are becoming less of my life’s purpose, as it should be. I am starting to look to other enjoyments and activities for life’s fulfilment. And I thought finding detachment and indifference was hard.
I think the questions you are considering are normal and need not a definite answer. These questions are more just a response to a life with young adult children. Well actually it is the response to the change of answers. 10 years ago my answers were much different than today’s. In five years from now, I suspect my answer will be different again. My answers are different when considering S21 and S20 vs S18 and D16. I have an idea what it will be like when it is D20, s22, s24, and S25 - my outlook sure looks different.
I suggest to hang in for a bit longer, things are going to change.
DnJ
Last edited by DnJ; 02/15/1904:58 AM.
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
I agree w/the posters. Your daughter has two years of high school left. Once she has her license and can start driving some, you will see far less of her as she tests her wings for flying from the nest in a couple of years. Until then, hang in there. I know it's frustrating to feel like all you do is go to a job, come home and do the normal things each and every night.
The question I have for you is this...what would you look for in a move to another area? What are your interests now and how would they possibly change if a move took place?
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
I totally get your routine and your anxiety about staying it out I felt like Ive just lived it as I read your words
MY S is in 12 th grade just starting driving with his own car about 6 months ago
I suddenly have all the freedom Ive been wanting If she can get her license that may help you
He was in band with severe allergies so from 9th grade to 11th grade
I drove him to school went to work drove back to school to bring food sometimes drove him home then back for band and pick up again at 10pm exhausted just thinking about it
We also live in a remote part of a big city, all the way out from all the activities its safer here schools are top rated here
I would agree if you can use this time for inner growth meditation spiritual activities church ect yoga groups new connections or more inner connection gym fake it till you make it
married 14 years H 42 bomb 2/07 IDLYA D final 3 /09 M ow D ow
exquisitetobe - This is something that you've talked about off and on for some time now.
If I remember correctly you've had an opportunity offered for a promotion at work that would require you to relocate that you've turned down.
From my outside view there are a number of pros and cons about living where you do. Let's see how I do on the list:
cons - your ex is still very much in the picture as he is in the same geography and you encounter him far more than you would like and that causes you a lot of stress - you feel a bit trapped and isolated in your ability to form new relationships
pros - you are reasonably close to your kids - your daughter has an uninterrupted life - you love living in that part of the world surrounded by nature - you are in an area where your language and culture is common - you are in a (somewhat) reasonable distance to your parents and extended family
I do know that your kids have encouraged you to date and even suggested looking at options that are several hours away from where you are right now.
You are in a tough spot. You are a Mom. That is a lot of your identity. You feel that you have a responsibility to your children to support them and give them the best possible environment.
I can't advise you on the impact of moving on your D16. I really don't know. Have you talked to her about it? I know that your kids are as supportive of you as you are of them. I can certainly expect that if you uprooted her and moved to a Greek island to sell tacos that her grades would undoubtedly suffer. As would her relationships with her friends and especially boyfriend.
I do think that it's very healthy that you are thinking this through - but you are a very thoughtful woman ((exquisitetobe))
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
I agree. If you can wait until she graduates, that would probably be best.
I understand your feelings though. I'm in a big town (Phoenix) and all my kids are grown. but still have those same questions.
Take care.
Tad
Currently: M 57 XW 58 Sons 39,34,32,30
The Sitch: Married 26 years EA w/ OM 9/10 Bomb 10/10 (5 weeks after 25th anniversary) Sep 12/10 She wants D 1/11 W files 5/11 D final 10/11 XW marries OM 6/13
Thank you so much everyone! Your input is greatly appreciate!!
Grace: yes, D16 is my youngest and the only one left in the nest. I often go back to " when i was their age, how was i, who was i, how was my chain of thoughts? " you nailed it with " how would it affect her, what is in it for her? " This is on her mind and most importantly, should be in mine. As a mom, her needs are way more important than a move on my part. It is only a couple of years away and summer will eventually come wich will allow more road trips. maybe i have a case of winter blues.
DejaVu: yes, D16 is planning to get her license after the winter. Galling is limited here. No clubs. A couple of restaurant with LCBO license wich close at 8pm. Lol Volunteering as crossed my mind. For the Red cross and the woman shelter ( in a small community next to here ). I will stay put for now. In a couple of weeks, D18 will be coming home for her reading week. April, S20 will graduate from College and will be relocating. D18 will be back for the summer and going back for year 2 of College. It is too soon for me think living this place.
DNJ: A couple of years ago, this daughter was on board to leave. The other one was not. ( this is the promotion Andrew mentioned that i turned down.) This year, The 3 children who have left want me to move but D16 is no longer for it. Lol The funny thing is 2 yrs ago, i had said exactly this. "Watch, when Faith we' ll be done high school, Sarah will be the one with a bf and won' t want to go anymore" . The "why am i here" should not be taken as a depressive state. I meant " why am i in this town? My life has been on hold for a long time. AJM ( old poster of DB and very good friend ) once told me: "no matter where you are, if you do not enrich your life, your life won' t be fulfilled and you will not be happy. No matter where you are! ". This is true. I agree with all you said. Thank you so much! i will stay put.
Sweet Job : my life would be exactly what it is now if i was elsewhere. Lol my daughters life on the other hand would be hard for her. I would go to a different job. I would still drive her around to school, work, new friends etc. My responsabilities would be moving with us in a new home and town. I agree with everyone. It is not the time.
Peacetoday: i appreciate you sharing your situation. I don' t know how many times i heard people say: " you need to think about yourself. Your kids will leave and then what? What will happen to you?" I get upset when i hear it. I find it so selfish. I know what they mean but i also know what all of you are saying.. yes my kids will leave but they are not gone yet. They still need their mom and their home ( safety, comfort, HOME). All i need is a past time, hobby, something for me; not a move.
Andrew: cons: 4++ Pros: 4 Lol.. great score!
My daughters are trying to get me closer to them. They have a guy picked out in North Bay and are trying desperately to introduce us.. lol timming is always wrong. Maybe it is a sign? ( not that he is wrong for me but the time is wrong ) I did talk to her about it and she wants to stay here.she likes it here. She has many fears about leaving. And totally understand that.
Lol. I would not move to sell tacos on the island, i would fear meeting Doodler.. lol Thank you Andrew!! i wish you the best of luck with your oncoming date!
