It would not be a deal breaker for me, but it also depends on where I am currently at in my life. Also depends on what she was currently looking for. I am open to LTR relationship, but I am not going to hurry and jump into that situation either. I would be very concerned if she wanted to introduce me to her kids early on also.
Makes sense. Introducing kids too early would be a big red flag for me too. It's a little different in my case where my kids are adults, but I also have grandkids to factor into the mix (they are little ones, ages 2-5). In addition, I have a niece and 2 nephews who are all teenagers and I'm VERY close with them so I think of them like my own kids and treat them as such. I didn't introduce any of those people to Sparky until we had already begun to discuss marriage. Now, he obviously knew about them but he didn't meet them until we were pretty definite on where this was headed. I went out with a guy a few times who pressed me on date 3 to meet my kids. Um, no. No thank you!
I think the thing is, though, that not everyone who is out there dating is looking to raise someone else's kid. And, just because you are dating someone, that doesn't mean you are asking them to raise yours. What about your XW? If she dates, gets serious with someone and introduces your child, is that going to bother you? Are you going to see that as someone else being a father figure for your kid? I guess I'm trying to understand where that link is because if you are just dating someone, I'm not sure why you would assume they would want you to be a father figure. Or why you would think that they'd assume that they were going to be a mother figure to your child. I realize that some of these are things that you might not even be able to respond to because as you already pointed out, it depends on the situation and exactly what is going on. I'm just trying to understand your point of view a little better because it is interesting to me. I was open to dating a man with kids and I married someone who already had kids but I was clear all along that while I loved the girls, they HAVE a mother and that mother is not me. Now, yes, I did play a parental role in that they did live in our house and I helped provide for them and guide them with advice and the occasional correction when necessary (though they were teenagers and really good girls to boot, so not a lot of correction needed), but I never ever thought their dad was trying to replace their mom with me and I never tried to replace their mom and I even went out of my way on many occasions to make sure that they maintained a relationship with their mom even when I personally didn't think she deserved to have one with them because of the way she treated them. Now, I can say here, I think she's the biggest b!tch to ever have walked this green earth, but to the girls, they, to this day, think that I like their mom because I never ever said a single negative thing about her and when they would talk negative about her to me, I would defend her. Whatever I may think of her, she is their mother and you only get one mother and one father in this life and it isn't my place to replace anyone's. I never asked the girls to call me mom. Sparky has a daughter that is also already an adult (21) and I look forward to having a relationship with her, but just like my other daughters, I will not expect her to call me mom. I'm just "Dawn". She has a mother and none of us want me to replace her. By the same token, I want Sparky to enjoy a nice relationship with my daughters, but he is not dad. He is just "Sparky". I'm really not trying to belabor a point or anything, just trying to see another viewpoint. I think that my view is often a little off from most on the board because a lot of folks like yourself, J9, Ginger are all dealing with little kids while my youngest is 25. So, I'm in the same boat with Andrew and maybe kml and maybe one or 2 others who have adult "kids" so the dynamic is very different. I'm also in a different mindset because as much as I love the girls, I did not give birth to them, so there may be a different feeling when the kid(s) is of your own flesh and blood as opposed to just being a step-parent. Though I will say, it does piss me off to now end when I hear people downgrading step-parents as "JUST" step-parents because I can assure you, in our family, I was there a WHOLE lot more for my 3 daughters than their mother ever thought about being because she was too busy off chasing her married boyfriend and trying to catch him to pay attention to what her teenage daughters were going through and needing advice on. But, I'll get off my soapbox and stop hogging your thread with stories about the wicked witch of Western Arkansas.
Me 52, H53 Bomb drop 9/29/2014 Divorce from XH final 12/17/2014 Marriage #2 12/31/2019 5 adult (step)daughters (3 from XH's first marriage, 2 from current H's previous relationships) 6 grandkids
