13 years and 2 kids pt. 4.

[Hurt213]

Journaling a bit:

So my ex came home yesterday to get the kids, and she began crying when she entered the house, I took the kids and went to the living room so she could get a hold of herself - not that I felt sorry for her, god, I dont even know what the crying was about, but because my kids shouldn't have to see their mom like that the second she walks in, having been away for 5 days.

She got it together, and followed me around the house, asking general questions, telling me stuff, and I just kept it cordial, relaxed and listened, textbook stuff really.

I packed my stuff, had hot cocoa and marshmallows with the kids, and ex asked if she could join in, which was actually fine because my daughter loved that, and im in a good spot again emotionally, and we all just had 10 minutes of peaceful joy where d5 was being a total goofball. No expectations, no reactions, just for the kids.

I packed the rest, hugged and kissed my kids, and went to the gym. After the gym I went to visit my sister and BIL. Turns out when I walked in the door and BIL was on the phone, that one of his mates wife just told him that the marriage was off with no warning.. I just told him, that I could relate (joke in there), and that even though there was no seeming reason to her wanting out so sudden, they would be a lot wiser in 3 months time to what had caused this sudden behavior. We then had a coffee, talked about kids and I left for my parents place to sleep.

Today I hit the range practicing my swing, went horrible, but I had a good laugh, talked to some new people I haven't met before, and I gennerally am trying to be optimistic about everything, even the negatives can be turned, and I am choosing to turn the negatives. It really boosts my daily day, and my confidence level is REALLY rising right now. I have found a really good setup for my diet, which means that I am gaining rapidly, but having totally said goodbye to alcohol (I am just out of the woods, barely, according to my IC and my depression that put me in the hole, so I dont need that in my life, and I am perfectly fine going out without having to drink), and saying goodbye to junkfood as well and embracing healthy nutritious foods, has really given me the body I always wanted, and that draws attention, which I will surely act upon when I feel ready - not now, that wouldn't be fair to anyone.

Got plans for the coming days, and just hoping the house sells soon, because I need to get on with my life. I haven't given up, but I have given up - that makes no sense, but its where I am. She has a new boyfriend, she is happy. I have found myself, and I am getting where I can see myself before my depression, and I am content, happy and curious about my future.

So, I guess, the guideline of letting her do all the work has "run its course" in my sitch. She never did any, however my sitch has gone on for 8 months now, with a lot of disrespectful behavior from her part, and that was not tolerable, so I had to do some of the work: Getting the house on the market, splitting financials, ending IHS and im glad I did, because it made me so much stronger, and I realized that I will be OK.

Will me and my ex ever see each other as anything but co-parents again? I dont know, however I know that I need to step back now, I need to get my own place to live, to find myself further, and then down the road we will see.

Fact is, that I will have to be in contact with this person for the rest of my life, because we have kids, and I choose to think, that me saying goodbye now on the fight for what we were, is what will bring us together much stronger in the future, as parents, possible friends, and who knows what else.

Just a bit of thinking here on my couch.