Today I messaged our MC to let her know we wouldn't be coming back in the near term.
Good. MC is great if both spouses are just having some trouble and both want help, but when one goes WAS then it has no value at all. Your money would be better spent on a DB coach and IC.
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I accept that the W is 100% done with the M right now, but what I keep flip flopping with is my feelings around detachment. I know it's the right thing to do, it just sees to counter intuitive.
DB'ing is definitely counter-intuitive. Here's why. Every time you've had a fight or argument or disagreement you settled it by reaching out to your W, buying her flowers, taking her to dinner, apologizing, maybe negotiating. So now you are programmed to think that's what works to fix things. But dealing with a WAS is radically different than dealing with an unhappy wife. What worked before will NOT work now. The very things that worked before will just look to her like you are needy, desperate and pathetic because she is 100% checked out, no longer in love, convinced you are a boat anchor preventing her from sailing into a beautiful new life. You can't stop her from sailing away, all you can do is let her. She has to learn for herself that her problems are not you, that they are internal demons she needs to wrestle down. It takes a lot of time. So that's the one thing you can give her right now that works- time.
Now I am not saying be cold and indifferent and insensitive. No, that's not it at all. LOVINGLY detach. Read Sandi's rules every day and let them guide your behavior.
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Since dropping the bomb however, her personality has drastically changed and is acting out all the signs of an MLC. It seems like dropping the bomb was a huge weight off her shoulders and now she's acting like how she's wanted to for a long time.
Yes, that is not uncommon.
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Should I have a preference on whether she moves into the spare bedroom or out of the house completely? I think to properly detach I should have none.
You are correct. Many WAS's see their husbands as controlling and manipulative even when they weren't. So your goal is to let her make all her own decisions. I'm not saying to agree with her, it's more like: "W, I would rather you stay here and work on the M but if S is what you want I will support your decision." But it is HER decision to make. You open the cage door, she decides whether to step through the door or not.
