Just don't wait too long before you put your plan of action in force. She'll slither under the door and act as if the MR is picking up where it left off.....without meeting certain requirements that you should have, as the betrayed H.
During the session with the MC, did your WW ever offer an apology or express regret that she had deceived you and betrayed you for 4 years?
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Wife admitted to having conflicting feelings for OM.
It's the addiction of the affair.
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Claims that there has been contact still,
Even after he chose his M over her? Well, both of them are addicted, and there is no such thing as getting "closure". If he thinks he can contact her without his W knowing, he'll try. Same goes for your WW, if she has not made a decision to do the right thing.
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Said that she no longer feels the same way about the OM as he's shown his true colors by choosing to stay with his wife,
She's just mad at OM. If he contacted her today and convinced her that he was forced to say/do those things but that his heart still belongs to her, yada, yada..........it would be hard for her not to buy into it, b/c she will be going into the very beginning of withdrawals of the affair addiction, and she needs a fix. Her bruised ego may carry her through a few days, but she will crave to have some type of contact, if it's nothing but seeing him like something on social media.
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Now my WW has said it's over, she has agreed to NC with him, however I'm not in a position to take her at her word.
That's true, and that's why you need to require that she agrees to being transparent. The WW has to be held accountable throughout the period they are going through "withdrawals" from the affair/OM. She's been at this for 4 years, so I doubt it is going to be a breeze for her.
As the WW, she doesn't get to pick & choose about how much she will reveal. She doesn't get to claim he is invading her privacy. Only the wayward spouse has to be accountable for their whereabouts and activity. The faithful spouse shouldn't volunteer or agree to join the transparency club. This is not about the faithful spouse's atonement, it's about the wayward spouse who is not trustworthy. So, it's up to the H to decide what type of transparency he needs from his WW. She has to surrender all passwords, delete old texts from OM, block him, etc. It's the H's decision when he will take a look at her phone activity. BTW, she should not know when he looks at her phone, for reasons I can explain later, if necessary. He should not announce when he's going to look, nor have a scheduled time, nor even check every day. \
As for your decision about letting her remain the MBR, I'll add these thoughts. If you have not decided if you want to stay married or get a D, then I suppose you could sleep apart for a few nights. However, under no circumstances should you agree or even call it an in-house separation. Those are killers! It is ultimate cake-eating for a WW. Besides, if you think you will want to work on the MR, then she doesn't need to spending the night behind closed doors from you. While going through withdrawals, she'll be very vulnerable to temptation to contact OM. I know some may say that you can't watch her 24/7....and that is very true. If the WW is authentic about wanting to save her M, then transparency will help her to stay on the straight & narrow road. Sure, she can find a way around it if she wants to break the NC agreement, but if she wants free of those conflicting feelings toward OM, then she will need to get through the withdrawals. If her feelings were beginning to change toward OM before she saw his true colors, then hopefully, she can get through the process faster.....IDK.
Again, I caution you about just sitting back and watching her, b/c you do NOT want to appear passive. I don't mean you should pursue her! I think you are watching to see if she makes any attempt to approach you about working on the MR. Just speaking as a former WW, appearing passive would look similar to playing the role of Plan B. You have options. You are in the driver's seat. You get to call the shots. You get to state the requirements she has to meet in order for you to feel safe in a relationship with her. The last thing you need to do is let her back into the MR without doing the work.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
