Originally Posted by Yail
Originally Posted by Living
[quote=Yail]
At the same time, H has asked for a D. WTH? I see where your confusion lies, and you don't want to allow him to treat you as if you only exist at his disposal.


He has never come out and said the D word to me. He mentioned it to my daughter but not to me. To me he says he wants out of the M (I know that’s the same thing). But it’s like he can’t bring himself to say D.


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Woah, that was a major misunderstanding on my part! I think I might re-advise based on my new understanding. I thought the D word had been said to you directly. Yes, he truly is muddled.

From my vantage point of reading what you wrote, it seems that your H really is struggling with MLC as you stated. I know every one of his actions is difficult for you to deal with - the push/pull, the lack of connection, the wanting "out". I sense that you just want so badly to have an impact on him and to influence him. You can't right now. I think that's in a large part what depression is: you can't reach him right now, he's on an island. He wants to get off the island, but he doesn't have the tools yet, or maybe he hasn't had enough time to build a boat. But he is the only one who can make a move - not you.

You're doing good stuff. You really are doing a good job in all of this.


It’s totally ok Yail. It’s hard to keep track of everyone’s sitch on this forum. No he has never said the word D to me. I’ve said it after a lot of the back and forth. What he says to me is he wants out of the M but isn’t ready for a D. See? That doesn’t make sense.

But the real hard truth is that he isn’t sure what he wants. That’s why he’s scared to let me go...because it’s obvious that he doesn’t trust his own judgement right now. He is scared to make the mistake of letting me go and later regretting that. Which leads back to him being confused.

You’re right that I so badly want to be able to do something, anything, to pull him out of this. However, as hard as it is to accept...I’ve got to accept I just can’t.

You’re right only he can make the move to get himself off the island. As hard a pill it is to swallow, it’s true that those in MLC have to walk that journey on their own. As spouses of those in MLC we want so hard to help them because we love them. Also because they have totally blown up our lives. I have to accept that he has to work his way through MLC on his own. And I must let the chips fall where they may.

I’m sure there are some on this forum who feel that I waver back and forth. However, this is one of the hardest things I’ve ever been through. And I’ve given birth to 3 children without drugs.

Originally Posted by Living
I’ve internalized many things he has said to me when the vets say believe half of what they say.

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I'd say this is your #1 focus of personal change right now. Go back in the forum and find some readings where the MLC spouse has said some truly bonkers stuff, but later admits that feeling changed. See it from their perspective.

Will do! Thank you so much Yail. Thank you to all those on here who have offered advice on my sitch. I truly appreciate it.

Last edited by Living; 02/13/19 01:48 PM.

Original BD: 10/26/2017
PA: 10/2017 - 11/2017
Second BD: 09/15/2018
Currently: IHS
M: 42 H: 45
S: 22 lives on his own D: 18 away at college S: 15 still lives at home - the only child we share together