Brave Little Gerda Faces the Cutting Winds

[Rita]

A quick note to say --

We have to get it done by Feb 15 or will have to pay 10K for a GAL and there is obviously no money for that. And GAL may recommend more time.

And the part that I hated was he wanted to take them for a whole week in summer and for every other holiday. He has not made a holiday for the kids in years and they will hate both of those things. And yes, I feel like I will die of terror if he has them for that long, and the thought of me being all alone on a holiday is killing me. I invite him to every single holiday and he rarely shows up. But he is okay leaving me all alone without my kids and them without me, all for an idea he has that is not based on what our lives have been for my D's entire life since babyhood and or most of my S's life == after it has been me and only me all these years. That really does kill me despite what I put on other peoples' threads about trust, hope, etc.

[Rita]

I forgot to add that it's the length of the time he is asking for more than that it's a holiday. The kids do not want to be away from me for even a night, but a whole week, after years of nothing, and no mention of his drinking or anything. I am afraid to rely on the fact that he won't follow through. I feel like I am betraying my kids saying yes but the clock is ticking for the GAL to start if we don't agree.

[Gordie]

Gerda

You need some good IRL counsel

This is too complicated to give you real advice about custody

Remember this

Court knows very little about your situation

Judge cares for safety of children

Judge does not care who is a good or bad parent

Assuming your H is not a convicted child abuser

Judge will appoint him some custody

Including overnights and vacations

Unless you are able to prove to the court that he is unfit for any overnights this is going to happen

I know you do not want it to happen

Pray for guidance

Get good counsel

Be the best Gerda in court and out of court

[Rita]

...but I've been keeping up with your situation almost daily and you are often in my thoughts.

I can't tell you how comforting this is to me. Thank you, thank you!

[DnJ]

Hello Gerda

Feb 15 is a pretty short time line.

D is just about money and kids. So the $10k belongs to the kids side of this equation. Therefore don’t worry about the money for the GAL, it is kids’ well fair that matters and should be used for decision.

The actual money side has few details from you. I am assuming that you are reasonable satisfied with the splitting of assets.

So, kids. You realistically cannot prevent H from having custody. However the kids do get a say in where they live. I know you are full of fear regarding being away from kids, it will get better.

Gerda, you are the primary bread winner and financial it sounds like you have a good deal. The custody sounds like it is better than what would happen if you fight him, not even considering the $10k.

Seriously consider taking the deal. You will feel better when you have arrangements in place. Even if not ideal it will provide stability and knowing where you stand, and that does a lot for a person - living in the unknown takes a toll.

You dear friend know your situation best. Your L has said it is a good deal. It is really up to you. I will support you either way, my vote is always what is best for Gerda and kids - this sounds like it could be. (((Gerda)))

DnJ

[Gordie]

Listen to DNJ

[Rita]

More later as far as responses to DnJ and Gordie, thank you as ever for your care, concern, support, love, prayers.

Came home from church tonight and D9 was still up in front of TV, no pj's, etc. I told her to go up and she said, "Papa is making a croissant." I realized it was the chocolate croissants I had bought for Valentine's Day breakfast but at first I just said to H (who was reclining on couch with book as per usual, looking especially smug and angry), "Those have to rise overnight," and he snapped, "Yeah, they're rising just fine." Wednesdays are a day my D can have sweets so she expects to have something at night, but he went into freezer and took a speciality item I had bought and never thought about any plans I might have had for it. I was so angry. I had just been in church talking with my community about how confusing and horrible it is to have to participate in planning out the destruction of my family and then I came home to that so it just hit me as a symbol. I went back upstairs and prayed a little and then came back down like an idiot and had this convo:

Gerda: Can you please sleep in (empty rental downstairs) tonight? I need to prepare all the Valentine's Day decorations and I want to have the lights on.

H: No. No I don't want to.

G: I really need to prepare and it's awkward if you are sleeping here on the couch.

H: No. It's dark down there. It's lonely. It's a dark subterranean place.

G: I don't understand. You want to move out, you want your own place. Why can't you just sleep there for one night so I can make a nice decoration?

H: You can make your decorations right here.

G: (I just look at him. He looks really weird, like an angry frightened child.) This makes no sense.

H: And about the avocados, I haven't used yours in weeks, so I don't know what you are talking about. (I had brought up this issue of using up something I bought for kids earlier today unfortunately, when I could not make the kidssandwiches because he had used up the ingredients. But I had said that he is welcome to anything I have as long as there is enough left for the kids.)

G: (Obviously not thinking clearly...) The point is just to not use up something I specifically buy that is special or that I am planning obviously to use for something because it's hard for me to have to go out again and get more. Did it ever occur to you that I might have bought those croissants especially to make a nice breakfast for Valentine's Day? I bought them especially, obviously. The point is that I make plans and if you use up what I have, I have to go back and out and get something else.

H: (viciously) You want me to give you the money back? That's what you want?

G: No, I told you, it's not the money, it's that it's hard to get some things in the house and then when I come to make something for the kids and it's gone, it's hard to find the time to go and get more.

H: (first trying to act understanding) I understand. You want to have things here that you purchased. But she wanted sweets. What did you want me to do?

G: Go out and get her a candy bar.

H: We didn't want to go out. She and I did not feel like going out.

G: But you can't use something that I especially bought. Or text me and ask if it seems like something I have plans for, I don't know, I could have gotten her something on my way home. Or just go out anyway and get her a candy bar.

H: I don't have money for that.

G: (There are five bottles of wine behind him, purchased today.) You don't have money to buy one candy bar?

H: No, I don't. (staring at me accusatorially) That's my life. That's how it is. What do you want me to do?

G: I don't know. Find money for a candy bar when you are with the children. Are you expecting me to pay for things when you are with them?

H: No, I am just going to use what's here. I'm going to look and see what's here and just use that.

G: (thinking of custody arrangement I had to respond to today and trying really hard not to get enraged or confused) You mean you are not going to buy them anything when you are with them?

H: I can't. I have no money. I am just going to use what's here, what I find.

Gerda, being the fool that she is, is unable to remember all she learned on these boards, and thus is astonished. And yet also struck by how like a little child he seems, a little child who feels wronged by the grown-ups around him.

H's father is an abusive alcoholic. He does not like it when anyone uses the kitchen or makes a mess. Whenever we are at his parents, which is far away and requires taking a plane, his father is constantly angry with H for using anything -- the printer, the car, the food in the fridge. If he sees us prepping a meal, he'll say, "Eating again?!" I mean just a normal meal, like lunch, let alone, god forbid, the kids need a snack. Last year when we were there for X-Mas we had a huge blow out when we wanted to make a vegetable to go with the dinner and his father got so angry that we almost left early. I can see all of this being enacted in H's mind in this scene. H can't see all that he is doing to cause this situation, he is just in a way recreating the scenario of his youth and making me the villain.

Why am I even writing all this down? I don't know. Because I know that all of you have experienced something similar with your H's and W's so I am finding a comfort in telling you!

[Gordie]

Gerda

I am sorry he did not leave as requested

But also am not too surprised

He has zero empathy for you right now

He only thinks of himself

I am not too surprised what you said about his dad

It does shine some light on his mindset

[Ready2Change]

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2837272#Post2837272

I just stumbled onto this thread by mistake, I am an LBS from MLC boards old timer and I just wanted to say, Ready2Change, that your post REALLY helped me tonight. I try to do do these things but even after 6 years as an LBS, I get confused, and your simple and kind replies are a perfect model, thank you!

You are welcome.

[Ready2Change]

Why am I even writing all this down? I don't know. Because I know that all of you have experienced something similar with your H's and W's so I am finding a comfort in telling you!

Normal.

We have the rule eat what what you find unless it is clearly marked with someone name. Masking tape and sharpie. Helps but issues still come up.


As far as the convos, I believe less words is always better. One topic at a time helps as well. Remember you are dealing with a man. (5 year old child)

Gerda: Can you please sleep in (empty rental downstairs) tonight? I need to prepare all the Valentine's Day decorations and I want to have the lights on.

H: No. No I don't want to.

Maybe give information:

W: "I WILL BE preparing all the Valentine's Day decorations tonight. Most likely won't be done until X:30."

H:" Bla bla bla"

W:Suit yourself"


"What do you want me to do?" Give him 2 choices you are OK with. I am sure he will say these words again.

H: (first trying to act understanding) I understand. You want to have things here that you purchased. But she wanted sweets. What did you want me to do?

W:"Tell her NO, or simply text me if it OK to use Item X"