Gordie 23 one year after she dropped the D

[sjohns6]

Gordie,

That's a hard conversation considering your recent progress. I believe that is one reason they say that piecing is one of the more trying parts of this whole ordeal. Not sure if you are at the piecing stage, but you have definitely made measurable forward progress and I imagine that a conversation like that is like a kick in the teeth. Also a reason that I think that having a live in MLCer is so difficult...because you get to experience all their ups and downs, however fleeting they may be.

You are a good man and I know you will make the right decisions in how to handle yourself. I think one thing we all have in common is that we all analyze every piece of our situations weighing in as much perspective and morality as we can before making a decision on how to react and move forward. Thats how we all ended up on this site. Just remember that you have friends here that understand what you are going through.

(((Gordie)))

[Gordie]

Job thank you for reassuring me that all of this is normal and maybe expected

In terms of going down the rabbit hole

O that temptation is there to either to either fight fire with fire

Or lick my wounds and retreat into myself

But trying to rally and pick myself up



DNJ thank you for the reminder that

Feelings are feelings

And that lighthouse does not bow or bend in the storm

O man I guess I was not expecting this



Andrew no offense taken

I am fully aware

This sounded so much like a pre BD speech

I was waiting for it

I found OM3 or whatever



Oneart

I know you are right

But it is so hard not to take it personally

She definitely wants me to chase her

But conversations like this push me away



SBJ the very long haul

I could not think straight this morning

All I could do was pray



Dejavu I know you can relate

We all have heard such similar things

I just do not know how to balance this

I want you to pursue me

I do not want you to put pressure on me


Sjohn6

Thank you man

You have been in my corner a very long time

One day at a time

Does not make for romantic Valentine’s Day feelings



Venting

I am angry

I am tired

I am frustrated

I feel rejected

I am craving affection

I am lonely

God help me

[Gerda]

((((((Gordie.)))))))))

I felt the knife in my heart when I read what your W said. And I don't know why at all but I immediately wanted to tell you to read the Book of Tobit. So I think you had better do so, as it obviously didn't come from my own head to tell you that.

GORDIE -- We assure you -- it's so obviously not about you. I know it feels like it is. I am suffering terribly right now for the same reason. But it's not about you. You are just the one standing there, and your open willingness to love, your peace, indicts her.

Reminds me exactly of my H finding any reason he can for his pain. First BD was justified by saying how awful I was so he could justify OW, who he called his "secret other wife." He told me he was not adulterous, it was me who had been adulterous "from the day we married" because I didn't know how to be a wife.

Second BD was about money, to justify the two years after BD. Even after all the account sharing and spreadsheets recommended here, he couldn't see that the only problem with money was that I was keeping us afloat on nothing.

Third BD justified his decision to D so he could get that money that was driving BD 2. He seems to have forgotten any hurt he might have caused by all that happened since BD 1 or the wild spending that led me to try to protect my own money from him.

And now we are on BD4, where he has constructed a narrative around our kids, that I don't "let" him be a dad. His custody demands included a directive that I never call him when he is with them because he does not need me to "control" his time with them.

I would wonder if it was about me but I don't think I have called him in literally a couple of years, with or without the kids (and he is almost never with them).

Point of my illustration is, your W thought maybe she should come back to get rid of the pain. She tried it, she even tried sex with you, tried sleeping in your room, etc. And the pain didn't go away. Then she tried revisiting the pain with you there and it probably hurt more than ever. So she came up with a reason, that it's all because of you, and she has a nice list of all her "proofs." She thinks she can prove it to you. My H does the same in his long long e-mails.

W can leave again, she can stay, she can have another OM or never have one. The pain isn't going to go away until she recognizes her wound and stops blaming it on anything else. God is the one offering to heal her and she is refusing, she is turning her back on God. He will keep trying.

This path is horribly difficult. Don't doubt yourself ever. You are an amazing man. Your love can't bear this situation, but the love of God can, so just keep asking Him to give you His. Will be praying for you and for your W.

And -- Colossians 1:24.

(((((((GORDIE)))))))))))

[OneArt]

Gordie, you have every right to have every single one of those feelings. You don't have to do this. You don't have to keep taking it. Maybe it is time for her to hear some of your truths, since she seems so capable of dispensing her own.

You could ask her to leave until she figures out what she wants. Some people really have to lose everything before they wake up (if they do). I'm sure that everyone in your life would understand if you made that choice.

The choice is yours. But you have to make it. Don't keep yourself trapped. Speak your peace or ask her to go or let her stay and detach for your own sanity. She still has a lot to figure out and she doesn't get to keep hurting you while she does it. Do something to regain your own power.

[marina7]

(((((Gordie)))))

Virtual Hugs....

I can't imagine what that feels

ONE DAY AT A TIME

[Gordie]

Gerda Oneart Marina

Thanks for checking in on me

I needed to vent those feelings and acknowledge that they are real

I prayed to God to help me

And yes I felt loved

Loved by God

And not alone

And then I decided to try one of my DB tools

To act as if this didn’t bother me

As if she wanted to see me

To fake it until I made it

And she responded as if she was happy to see me

So yes her feelings are real

I am thankful she is expressing them to me

As much as it hurts

And yes her feelings change

But my beliefs do not change

[Gordie]

Thanks all for letting me vent yesterday

I was unsettled by the R talk

But you guys picked me up

It was like I got punched hard in the gut

And I was not ready for it

Job calls this phase reconnection

I was letting down some of my walls

And she too has been letting down some of her walls

This is stirring up all sorts of feelings in both of us

No one said this would be a smooth ride



Journaling

So it was late and I went to bed

W wanted to know how I was feeling

And I stayed cool and calm and told her

I told her how much her words hurt me

And how I do not want to be in a sexless M either

And she said thank you for listening to me yesterday

And she asked me to hold her

And we laid down and fell asleep

[AndrewP]

And I stayed cool and calm and told her

I told her how much her words hurt me

And how I do not want to be in a sexless M either

And she said thank you for listening to me yesterday

And she asked me to hold her

And we laid down and fell asleep

And this is why we all cheer for #TeamGordie. You are an example of not only what love is but what love does. Big bro hug your way ((Gordie))

[Grace21]

Just checking in on you Gordie. I feel your pain. Your feelings are all valid.

I prayed to God to help me

And yes I felt loved

Loved by God

And not alone

This, I think, is significant. God's love is steadfast, and our light in our darkest times. I turn to him often, and feel uplifted.

I admire how you are handling your journey.

Hugs.

[DnJ]

You are on an awesome path Gordie.