Brave Little Gerda Faces the Cutting Winds

[DnJ]

Hello Gerda

I will respond to the previous post on my thread. No point in detracting from all the excellent advice you are receiving.

I spoke with my L this morning and she said that though the language of the letter is harsh and repulsive what he is actually asking to get is potentially better than what I would get through courts. She also told me that, assuming that he actually follows through on visitation in the first place (which she thinks unlikely), he can't force my kids to sleep over if they don't want to; he would have to take me back to court and really doesn't have money for that. So even if all this stuff goes on paper, I don't have to be as petrified as I am perhaps.

Now, this does sound good. An offer that is potentially better than what you would get if you went to court.

I learned during my discussions with my L, that the spouse’s behaviour and past really do not matter. It is just about the now. It is about how the courts would add up, score, all the bits of information. I said it before, what you and I believe is important may not be what the courts consider important. Having the courts decide is a bit of a gamble.

You seem to have a proposal that offers you more than the default that is most likely from a court ordered settlement.

You also have the knowledge that your children really cannot be forced to sleep over at his house.

As hard as it is try to accept H is not crazy. He is irrational, no doubt there; he is not insane. He is also the kids’ Dad, and their lives will be richer with him part of them.

I had much fear and dread about W seeing the kids early on. It was really just me being full of fear. Even now when the kids see Mom or hear from her, they have a bit of joy about it. I do try to encourage that, and do not speak down about her, just truthful or silent. Sometimes that requires a Herculean effort.

Point is she is their Mom. When she reaches out to them, even when S18 is upset with her and he doesn’t see her, she is their Mom. That is a bond and fact that cannot be erased or changed. And kids love their parents.

Your children love you and their Dad. Ensure they know they can express that to you, that they love you and H.

So perhaps his proposal is worth considering. The kids can, and really do, decide where they sleep, so that is really not an issue (good and bad in that). The financial part and custody is better than would be probably awarded in court. There is no court case. This gets resolved quicker.

What down sides do you see? Didn’t H consider less custody for a big chunk of money, is that still on the table?

Depending on your answers and beliefs, this arrangement might just be something you can live with.

There is no rush in making such a big decision. Just let it perk away in your mind for a bit and see how you feel and what answers present themselves. Once you figure it out, strike while the iron is hot.

I think you are doing a fantastic job of letting go with compassion and understanding. This is just necessary business and wholly unfortunate. Keep following your heading.

DnJ